Wow, you would think after a nice relaxing vacation one would feel rejuvanated. I don't feel that way. I feel sick: both emotionally and physically. I don't think I was truly relaxing or having fun. Sure it was great seeing my sister and getting away, but my cares and worries were still with me. Hovering over and around me. Even on vacation I thought about them which is why I truly think that I did not escape anything. Now I'm back and they have descended on me again. Back to the same routine of nothing.
Same people, same bullshit, same faking, same lies, same relationships, same me. Nothing has changed.
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I can't even properly relate my problems to my family anymore. I definately cannot talk to my friends. Their advice would be "just drink". In the end that would kill me. I have no where else to turn, no where else to go. I'm trapped and alone. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no one there to throw me a rope. I'm drowning.
Like the song Into the Ocean.
... Just got phoned from Kim.
Conversation went ok. But still... I feel nothing. I saw Katie today... we kissed and held each other for a while. But still... I feel nothing. I feel bad for her though. She drinks and drinks. In the end it won't help, but I have no right to say anything. And I won't.
I can't even bring myself to cry at this point. I feel empty and hollow. There's so much going through my head right now that I can't even write it down.
I've been working on this for over 40 minutes now. I guess I'll continue tomorrow.
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