Practical in about an hour!

I'm freaking out! I've practiced a bunch of times, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or that I missed studying over something. Also, my BP bulb has a hole in it and is now leaking air. I'm going to have to ask the instructor for a new one.

I'm more worried about the practical then the actual written exam. I'm so nervous. When I read this again I'm going to be satisfied that all of this is over with and I will be going on to the next step I hope that I do well and can get a descent grade on the practical. My overall grade right now is an 88% but I hope to improve it. I don't think I did well on the test last night. Hope I do better today. I have to study more! That's what it comes down to.

Study, study, study! I have such a problem with that and always procrastinate. Remember Eric, study lots beforehand!

EMT-B exam today.

Well, in about an hour and a half, I'll be in class anxiously awaiting the 100 question test.

Did I study hard? No.

Am I comfortable taking the test? No.

Did I do good on the practice exam? Sort of.

Will I pass? Not with the grade I would hope.

While I did good on the last quiz (got an A) I am mostly using the knowledge that I've obtained over the course of the last three weeks instead of studying diligently over the past week. I managed to read through the four chapters that we are going to have it on today at work. I feel like I still need more work. I'm a little worried about the vital signs sheet since I haven't completed any of it. I'll try and get some from some of the classmates before class starts.

My tire got a flat on Saturday night and Kim is driving me to class. I dropped ITT, since it sucks, and am focusing on the EMT class. Hopefully it will keep me busy and I won't be too worried about Kim when her ex comes to stay with her in a couple weeks. I'm stressing about that and I hope I can get through it ok. I've also been gaining a lot of weight recently as my clothes are getting tighter and tighter. I need to start working out again and getting back into shape.

Another turn of events is that I've started smoking. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last blog, it's been a while, but I started it to help ease my stress. I know it's not healthy, but my life is fucked up right now and I can't think of anything good. Work here at The Core isn't going too great. I did manage to switch everyone over to the new server without too much trouble, but now trying to connect the two domains together through a VPN across two NAT's is getting hard.

Carmen wants an answer soon and I don't have one. I've done just about everything I know how to do. I sacrificed working on it today to study. I hope I do ok. As usual, I have feelings of anxiety and nervousness walking into the class. Once I get there, everything seems ok. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm spending it with Kim. Someday I hope to look back at this year as a turning point in my life. A few years ago it was motivating myself to go back to school and loose weight. I don't know what the future holds for me at this point. But I hope there's some good that will come from all of this pain and heartache.

Moving along...

Well, things seem to be moving kind of quickly now. It looks like the EMT class that I am going to take will be turning out rather well. The instructor seems pretty good and they really encourage the class to do well. Soon, I'll be riding in an ambulance and possibly a helicopter. The textbook seems very large and in depth, but I am looking forward to going through it and trying to learn everything that I can from it. I'm also looking forward to going to Barnes and Noble and studying for my coursework.

Hopefully, when I am done in March, I can ask for a recommendation into the military or in the US Coast Guard. Despite what my mother says, that's what I want to do. I can't help but think that this is a sign from above that this was meant to be. I couldn't of asked for anything to fall into my lap. ITT was getting very stale and I couldn't go to class there anymore. I will keep with my Friday class since I enjoy Dr. Britton's class very much. There was something about it on Friday. I felt like that if I left, I would miss the comradery of the class. I am getting farely excited about the class and my future and am looking forward to school and EMT training in that regard.

Wow. They're are just so many dumb and stupid girls around here that it is ridiculous. I find it harder and harder to want to go out and talk to girls that are only interested in shopping and how they look. Is it so hard to find someone that is beautiful, smart, and loyal to the person that she wants to date? I keep coming back to Kim and wanting to be with her, but more and more I want someone new. Dr. Britton said that love should be easy and any kind of suffering or heartache that is involved and I should run to the hills. Kim asked me to go to Boston with her. While I am excited about it, I can't help but wonder if she would change her mind if her "friend" from Europe wanted to go with her instead.

I've started smoking.

Yes, for the first time in my life I have started to smoke. My anxiousness and nervousness about what Kim is doing when I am not around her makes me feel horrible. I can't think of anything else and I start to panic. This all started when she was flying in on Tuesday night. I knew that her ex was going to pick her up and I felt horrible that she didn't want me to, no matter what her excuse was. So I went out and bought a pack of cigarattes and started to light up. I have to admit, the kick of the nicotine relaxed me. It was a different kind of high. I can see why people can get addicted to it. I find it relaxing to take a drag if I am feeling nervous or anxious. I have tried to keep this a secret from Kim, and I don't think that she has suspected anything... yet.

In fact, right now I think I might go out back and take a cigarette. I wonder if Kim is typing to her "friend" over in Europe as we speak. What she says to him and what her intentions really are about it. I really wish things would work out between her and myself. It's probably that I just need to date someone else.

I didn't go to Jaime's party last night, nor did I go to David's. I might have gone, had Kim not called me and wanted me to come over and bring food. Maybe that was a good thing. I feel bad for ditching David, but I really didn't know anyone there and would have been really uncomfortable.

They might be hiring a new girl at work across from my office and right next to Jaime's. One of the women that they were interviewing was very attractive. Everyone is always talking about a "new" girl that they are interviewing. It will probably be some farely unattractive girl. I would feel bad for a good looking woman to work and have to go back there. I mean, I like all of the guys back there. But they seem to be very disrespectful sometimes. I know if Kim found out what they were talking about she would flip. Well, I think I am going to go have a smoke, Those things might kill me, but at least I can stay calm.

Ignorant whore.

Well, Kim went over to her ex's last night to "watch the news" whatever the fuck that means. Probably slept with him. That was one of the last straws. I think I'm done hanging out with her. She seems totally fine yesterday after I came home. It's insulting when she's like. Oh, I'm doing something with the ex tonght. Then says Aww, you don't like him?

FUCK YOU.

I got the EMT-B enrollment to go to so I am excited about that. I better get going!

Slipping away...

Well,

Kim is slowly slipping away. She is in contact with friends and family as well as past ex's with whom she seems to be missing. This whole drama between me and her last ex is driving a permanant wedge between us. I think the entire situation is now lost and maybe it is time for me to move on. There is no salvaging this, no more trying to get her back. She is gone and is now focusing on people she can have intellectual conversation with. My time came and went.

It's sad knowing that I am moving into the boring recesses of constant close proximity and that she has become overwhelmed with my presence. When she returns I will attempt to seperate myself from her. Hardly any contact and try to move on with my life. It will be sad knowing that Starbucks will no longer be in mine and that I will miss him. Sad that she'll have her ex sleep over when I'm not willing to. But that just shows the nature of who SHE is. I never came into this lying to her, but it was lies from her that made me doubt her integrity. It's funny how this year has turned out for me as far as this situation is concerned. I went into it thinking I was going to have a great relationship, it ended after four months and finally crashed after the fifth. Ever since it's been me thinking that we are still together when we aren't.

I'm on my own and I need to realize that. There is nothing that I can count on in my life. Things that I work for so hard can just slip away. Trying so much for something does not always mean I am going to get it. I should just focus on the things that make ME happy. Everyone else should come in second. I'm glad Kim is gone, a part of me would just wish that she would stay gone forever. It's sad seeing something slip away from you without your control, how people can move on from you no matter how hard you tried to be friends with them.

This is my ife, and I need to focus on myself for now on. Everyone else just comes in a distant second. Maybe we can hang out still, maybe we can still be friends. That's a nice thought that brings me comfort, but it's something that won't keep me satisfied. I'll always want more. And that is something that I know I can NEVER have.

So, sitting here, thinking about her moving on. Living somewhere else, loving someone else, being close with someone else, and forgetting about me and the times we spent together... it hurts. Love hurts, it's something I cannot let happen again. And to think it was only 5 months! I know I really liked her before, at least 3 months before we went out. But it wasn't very long at all. I am alone and desperately trying to cling on to her. To show her she is wrong. But maybe I'm wrong. I've been trying so hard to show her that I'm right for her, maybe she isn't right for ME.

Well, time to go.

I don't know where I am.

It's late, we got to leave work early tonight and now I am bored. Kim went to sleep and I don't know where I stand anymore. Wojo might be comming back to work and I don't know if I am happy or depressed about that. I would prefer Alan since he was one cool guy. But it seems like The Core is taking a step backwards. They refuse to hire new experienced people, instead they are hiring non-experienced people.

I need to lose more weight and start looking for a girlfriend. Kim still talks to her ex and as much as I would want to get back together with her, I don't think it would work out. It's just getting weird for me now. We sleep in the same bed occasionally, but it feels weird like it's not right. I would really like to get my own place and just get away from all of this. In the end, I would miss Starbucks more than her. I wish he was my cat. There's still nothing much of mine here. Just a large TV and stand along with a few other game console stuff.

I haven't been feeling good about myself lately and seem to be more moody. Probably from the medication that I'm taking. I wish I could get another girlfriend. I need to get out and start meeting new people. I was thinking of calling Jaime up when I go out with Brent tomorrow and see if she would want to hang with us. I just need to start going out more. I know Kim would be upset to hear that I would consider hanging out with her, but she's being a hypocrit by talking to her ex so whatever.

Pissed off again.

This weeks is going to suck!

Went to the doctor, got my shots, need to stay on the medication and have ANOTHER appointment on Thursday. Also upset at Kim fucking getting into some car with some fucking guy to go whoknowswhere. Only Kim would do that. I would never see Carmen or anyone else doing that. Oh no! It has to be Kim of course. She was probably sucking his cock the whole way there. Fucking slut. I hate everyone. I feel so depressed and pissed off now and also school is starting which sucks and I can't seem to get enough energy to go searching for another job.

My whole body is out of shape and I'm getting fat again and am losing my self confidence. I'm done bitching about it to other people. I know I can't hold it in. I'm going to go off on Kim tonight, I just know it. I'm so pissed. Fuck everything. I hope my life ends. What the fuck use am I anyways? I just get used by everyone. It's time people start giving me shit and stop feeling sorry for me. "Are you ok?" No I'm not fucking ok, so buy me a new tv or get me some hot girl to sleep with or get me in shape or get me into a better fucking school. I'm done.