I'm so depressed!

God, I feel horrible today. I miss her so much. It's alot like what I said last time. If I block her out of my head for a day, she comes back into my head like a vengeance. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I'm so sad and I want to talk or call her, but I have to stay strong. No contact on my part. Or at least low contact since we work in the same office. I brought her coffee this morning. No reply or thank you. Just nothing. In a way, sometimes I wish she would call me so I could hear her voice. I miss her.

I smoked 3 cigarettes so far today. Every time I hear the word cancer I cringe. I have a feeling that I am going down the wrong path here ever since I started smoking. But I get so depressed sometimes it's like I don't even care. I don't think I'll ever get over this. The rejection, all the memories of being with her... everyhing. I haven't felt right since I left her. In a way I am sort of glad I said those horrible things. It made her less likely to call me and talk or hang out. All we would ever do anyway is argue. Sure it would be alright seeing her or talking to her, but I would start questioning about her boyfriend (notice I didn't say ex) and we would start arguing again.

I just want to go home and get away from her. I wish I could move on faster. But it is taking a lot longer than I thought. Seeing her walk around the office in new clothes that he probably bought for her. I'm so sad now it's hard for me to not cry here at work. Hopefully, when I get home I'll feel a little better. I don't know anymore.

She called me yesterday. I don't know why. I called her back later and asked her if she wanted coffee. Oh man. This isn't good at all. Thinking like this is only going to make things work. As soon as I get out of work tonight I'm going to force her out of my head again. Think of things that will keep me busy. Writing my thoughts down helps. I should probably back up my blog here in case something happens.

I need to study tonight. At least do one chapter and start writing down symptoms on my little note pad. I haven't talked to Dan about his wife's business. He asked last week about switching out her server before I got into my car accident. I'm a little nervous about it. But I could use the money. I need to pay bills.

I wish Audra would call. It would be cool to talk to her. Get my mind off of Kim. I miss playing Uno online with her at night. It's too bad her boyfriend yelled at her about me. I wish I could just meet a cool girl somewhere and get my mind off of Kim. I always say that I need to go to the gym. But I am so depressed and I have no motivation to go. I just want to go home and sulk or sleep. I've been eating a lot more too. I'm going to stop that. No more food for the rest of the night except maybe celery or carrots.

Well, another 30 minutes or so till work is done. Traffic looks horrible today and I am not looking forward to driving home in it. But I want to get out of here soon. I just tried calling Reggie. No answer.

God, I'm so depressed.