There's never enough time.

Katie and I are in love. I didn't think it could truly happen so fast, but it has. So how do I feel about it? I feel good, it feels really good. But at the same time, I'm scared. More like terrified. I don't want to lose her, so much has happened around me in the past where people have left the other or "fallen out of love" with someone. It's happened to me twice. And it never got easier. Now I've truly fallen for Katie and she is probably leaving in less than a month from now and I'm no closer to getting out of here.

Selling my car will be a big step forward. But I still need to look for another job out there. I've been going out every single night drinking with Katie and I need to have a chill night tonight. She might get fired and go out getting wasted, I will probably be out with her if she does. If she doesn't then I'm definately staying in. It upsets me that her friends encourage her to go out. Chris is cool as shit though and is also responsible. He goes out and gets hammered sometimes, but he knows his limits and when he needs to just relax. Joe has a thing for Katie and he is constantly trying to get her to go out and get wasted.

It sucks sometimes, it feels like I am competing for her attention when I'm not whenever he tags along with us. Katie views him as just a friend, but I can see he has alterior motives for going out. I've also found that Katie is less affectionate when we are around him. I don't know if it's because she's just busy or if she's not trying to lose him as a friend. That guy needs to chill out and get a girlfriend and stop trying to "impress" Katie. I'll admit that it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. He has to know she's with me and should fucking respect that.

Anyways, Katie is leaving soon and we had a discussion about it last night. She says that she loves me with all her heart and that no one will ever match her love for me. When I think of her leaving, those last few moments we'll have together before she gets on that plane. I'll be so sad, but so happy that she'll be going to where she really wants to be.

Well, I'm at work and people are walking into my office. I gotta go for now.

At work.

So I'm at work trying to study. It's been kind of slow here today. I wish I could just be a tech and work on computers all day. So, why do I write these blogs? To talk about my relationships! So what's happened so far? Katie said she loved me. Wow, I was taken aback by it. I mean, it was so soon. I don't even know what love is anymore? I know that when I'm not with her, I miss her. I would do almost anything for her. That I don't want to lose her in that way. Maybe that's love. It's hard to go back to someone as a friend after that.

Matt and Jackie "broke up" again. I feel bad for the guy. So far Katie and I haven't had any bad fights or anything which is good. It's still too early though. And now the question... Do I really love her? Maybe. I say it. Whenever I'm with her I do. But sometimes when I'm not I don't feel that way. Well, that's not really right. It's confusing. Only you will know. I want to move to Seattle with her, but I just know it's going to take longer for me to get out there unless I can find a good job. I'm going to lose her, that much is certain.

I will miss her when she leaves and finds a new man. Someone better, but hopefully doesn't treat her like crap. I haven't been feeling all right lately. Kind of blah. I need to stop smoking and start working out again. Katie and I have been staying out too late and it's getting to me. It's harder to wake up on time.

Oh well, I gotta go now.

A new relationship.

Last night Katie and I made it official. That we would be together. We have both fallen for each other and despite a few doubts and nervous feelings towards the matter, we're going to try. I have feelings for her now and she makes me feel good. I haven't gotten too close to her friends and she hasn't met any of mine yet, but it's only the begining. It feels good to be with her.

Decisions, Decisions.

Things just got a bit more serious. Katie and I had a serious talk about relationships last night. She said that she loved being with me and that I make her smile. She said I was amazing and all of that. She told me to not get attached, which is really what I have not been doing these past few weeks. I've had my guard up. Waiting for this to end any time. Waiting for her to move on to someone else. Last night some guy walks up to us who was staring at her the whole time. I guess they knew each other from grade school. At first I felt threatened, but I tried not to show it. It was afterwards that we got into our serious relationship conversation. She told me about how Chris and her are really close and that with her comes him. I have been fine with it, but the more people try to tell you what is going to happen like it is fact (her close relationship to Chris affecting me and making me jealous) the more you start to wonder if you should feel that way.

She said I should just have my fun and move on. That comment made me feel like shit. I'm not that kind of guy and I don't want to treat her like that. She deserves so much better than that. We were having fun together and everything, now after talking about this it has kind of made me feel sour about the whole thing. I enjoy kissing her and being with her, but now I feel like I'm just using her. I know she didn't mean anything by that comment and that she really is ok with me just having fun with her. I don't know. In the past I made mistakes by staying in something when I knew I shouldn't. At this point, I don't know what my gut is telling me. I've either not been with her enough or experienced being out with her and "in a relationship" with her. Things become different when you are together with someone like that. I still need more time to feel it out. But really, honestly at this point. If I had to make a definitive decision right now with no repercussions or feelings... I would leave.

Maybe that says something...

Sitting at work.

Let's see. What is happening right now? Oh yeah, that's right! Absolutely nothing! What a shocker that is, huh? I've been thinking hard lately about my job. Hate it and loath it. I just want to go away. Not be here anymore. Someone to talk to about stuff, no one here can do that. I need to vent, but I have nothing. So I hold it in, only letting it out here or in my apartment by myself. Only there is no one on the otherside to reciprocate my thoughts.

So what do I do to cope?

I post topics on forums, I go to the gym, I go to the movies, I drink, I spend time with people I really don't care for too much. I put on this fake face and prentend I'm something I'm not. I remember the list of people in and around my life a few months ago. But really, I don't care about them or they don't about me. It's all fake. Like everything else. I feel empty and alone. Sometimes I feel nothing at all. I lie awake at night thinking about all the decisions I've made in my life.

Rock bottom...

Wow, you would think after a nice relaxing vacation one would feel rejuvanated. I don't feel that way. I feel sick: both emotionally and physically. I don't think I was truly relaxing or having fun. Sure it was great seeing my sister and getting away, but my cares and worries were still with me. Hovering over and around me. Even on vacation I thought about them which is why I truly think that I did not escape anything. Now I'm back and they have descended on me again. Back to the same routine of nothing.

Same people, same bullshit, same faking, same lies, same relationships, same me. Nothing has changed.

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I can't even properly relate my problems to my family anymore. I definately cannot talk to my friends. Their advice would be "just drink". In the end that would kill me. I have no where else to turn, no where else to go. I'm trapped and alone. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no one there to throw me a rope. I'm drowning.

Like the song Into the Ocean.

... Just got phoned from Kim.

Conversation went ok. But still... I feel nothing. I saw Katie today... we kissed and held each other for a while. But still... I feel nothing. I feel bad for her though. She drinks and drinks. In the end it won't help, but I have no right to say anything. And I won't.

I can't even bring myself to cry at this point. I feel empty and hollow. There's so much going through my head right now that I can't even write it down.

I've been working on this for over 40 minutes now. I guess I'll continue tomorrow.

Emotions

Well, I just got back from a nearly week long vacation in California with my sister. It was so nice hanging out with her. We went to San Francisco, saw a Giants game, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, saw Napa, visited Wine Vineyards. It was great. During my trip though, I opened up to Steph. I just let it all out. Started bawling and crying telling her that I felt like shit and needed to get away. She helped me feel better and I admit it was good to let it all out.

I was watching Star Wars just a few minutes ago and almost started crying. I can't seem to control my feelings as well as I used to after the trip. It started last Friday when I went out with Katie. I felt like I was competing for her attention (which I shouldn't have felt). I was done trying so hard and left. That night I called mom and started crying telling her how worthless I felt and that I was so alone. My friends suck, no one here gives a shit about me. They never really "listen" to what I say and always have the dumbest advice. I have been staying in this apartment by myself for almost 2 months and I feel utterly alone.

I have been able to fill that gap with Katie, but it's just not the same as it is when I am with Kim. Sure I have fun with Katie, but I don't love her. I still love Kim and I wish I was with her again or that she was back here. Plus, Katie drinks all the time and while that is nice, it's just not me. I don't feel like I have to go out and get drunk to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to chill or go to the mall or watch a movie.

Maybe Steph and Mom were right. Maybe I should go back to church and start trying to get in touch with God. I'm even getting emotional right now typing this. I miss my family so much.

... I just cryed there for like 2 minutes.

I need a change. I need to get away. I hope... no I pray that I can gather enough motivation to study hard for my certifications and get out of this place. It's time to take control of my life!