Thursday afternoon.

Katie went out last night. Don't know where, don't know who with. I assume she went out with some guys. Tried to be intimate with her again last night. Turned down again. Didn't take her to the gym today, I just stayed in bed when she woke up. I don't know where this is going. Last night sucked. Got drunk though. Didn't ask her where she went, I don't give a shit. All I hope for is if she leaves me for someone else, that she do it sooner rather than later. Or I find out she's cheating and have an excuse to leave. I don't trust her. She likes to flirt and is naive to it no matter how she looks at it. She likes attention from guys, she needs attention from other people, she needs people around her.

Don't know what's going to happen today. I'd rather not see her at all today. We need some space. As much as I don't like it, I'd rather not see her till this weekend. I cleaned up the front room and kitchen a little. Worked out everything with DHInternational. No other calls from Varicom. And there was NO WAY in HELL I was going to Subway today. I had too much to sort through. Worried about bills, girlfriend (or whatever we are), car being reposessed, where I'm going to live, Kim, my family, friends, my credit, my future. All because I came out here to be with her. I risked everything and have gotten nothing in return.

I know what the right decision to make is. But I'm not going to do it. This will come to a head soon. I can feel the walls closing around me. You've been warned Eric. You know if something doesn't pick up soon and you haven't done what you need to, that it's over.

You've been warned.

Monday night.

So I pretty much did nothing today besides a few calls. I tried talking to Katie about me staying here and got the same response pretty much. I guess I have nothing to do but wait. I also have realized that I will ALWAYS be second best. No matter who I am with or where I go, I will never amount to anything more than just 2nd. I try a lot and want to be the best boyfriend, but I will always be upsurped by someone. The loving smiles are gone, the hugs and kisses, the affection is just non-existent. I am just here. Just another person with nothing to offer.

I am alone. And I really just need to accept that fact. I think that if I start to realize that completely and accept it for who I am and what I will become that things will be better. My headache has not gone away for a few days, I lost my medication, and I get no remorse. No "Are you ok?" No "Is there anything I can do for you?" Just "I don't want to stay up all night and worry that you are going to collapse."

Yeah, thanks. I miss being home sometimes. I wish I never came out here so soon. I wish things were different, but they never will be. I am who I am and I will never be anything more to anyone. The only time in my life that I felt important was when I was EMT training. I don't regret not going completely into it. I made the right choice there I believe and am sticking to that. It was a great time.

Kim... what do I say about her? Is there anything really to say? Do I still love her? Do I still care for her and want to be with her? I love and care for her as a friend and nothing more. I believe that we could live together and be together forever, both of us alone in our existence and I would be truly happy. I have no "spark" or connection with Katie any more. There's simply hardly anything there.

I don't know what else I can do to try and salvage this. I guess I should just fade out like I always do. I get boring when people truly get to know me. I am surprised that Kim likes me so much. We are such loners and can sit next to each other without saying a word and are both happy. I can't do that here. When nothing happens, NOTHING happens.

And I feel empty and alone more than anything else. I can think of nothing else to do. There's nothing else I can do. There's ABSOLUTELY nothing FUCKING ELSE I CAN DO! So let me lament...

I am 2nd best.
Nobody likes me.
I'm going to lose.
Maybe I should smile more... I have my whole life ahead of me!

Let me look back a year and see where I was last year this time and try to find out where I was emotionally and if I was happy.

That's the good thing about this site and my journal. I can look back on everything that has happened in my life and see if anything has improved at all. Right now Katie is trying to find out her cousin's age or something and doesn't know excatly her age or something. We are probably going to go to bed soon. I want to go out and just forget about things. I am going to drone on about stuff, because I have nothing else to do.

Ok, I think I am going to go look back now. I'm going to say one thing right now. Women have secrets, secrets they won't tell someone they so called "care" about. Flirting, kissing, talking about stuff or about other people. I'm not going into details about things, because it pains me too much. I guess looking back at this you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Wednesday night.

Lost is on tonight! THE SEASON 5 PREMERE! I'm recording it tonight so I can watch it tomorrow WITHOUT commercials. I CAN NOT wait! I just went to work today and had an ok day. Katie's neck is doing better I think and the pain is getting less day after day. I've done all that I can to make it better other than having her go see a doctor. I told her to lay on her back, I told her to keep her neck in a neutral position, I put Icy Hot on her neck, I massaged it, I put a cool pad on it, she put a heating pad on it, we did whatever we could and now it seems to be getting better.

I got a job as a field service technician last week and I finished emailing/faxing all the information over to that guy in Florida. He has started getting me contract jobs out here so I can make some money. Hopefully, after Stephanie orders my equipment, I can start working on my own. I've tried almost every avenue on my own with interviews and other jobs, but after at least 15 different interviews, I have been passed over too many times. So maybe this is better that I work on my own. At least I can learn new technologies and skills without having someone breathing down my neck. The other thing too is that I only get paid once a month, but the pay could be a lot of money depending on how many jobs this guy can get for me. I'm a little pessimistic about it, but I'm hoping I can get something out of this. I NEED money bad. My bills are getting WAY behind and I need something soon or I'm totally fucked.

Katie and I have made up after almost two weeks after I fucked up and yelled at her. Things have sort of gone back to normal. Kim has been calling me and talking to me a lot. She wants to eventually come out and visit me and live here. We shall see. I need to get my own place soon so that I can at least be on my own. Whether Katie comes with me or not remains to be seen. I would like to have a pet (cat or dog) I can't have a cat around Katie, since she is allergic. Speaking of which I found out some interesting information last weekend, something that I will have to come back later, I still need to discuss our fight that we went through, but I am going to leave that for another night.

I have to go back to Subway tomorrow. Which SUCKS, but what can you do? I need to make some kind of money so that I can at least get some things on my own. My eyes are fucking up right now because I need to take my contacts out. Boston Legal is on TV, I tried to change it to the Lost special before the premere, but the TV is kind of fucked up.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed. Peace out.

Tuesday night.

Had a couple interviews this week so far with one on Friday too. I think my chances are good for getting at least one of these jobs. I still work at Subway and it is a little extra money in my wallet. Right now I am sitting on the couch watching One Tree Hill. I just got done watching Gossip Girl. For some reason it interests me, I find that it's very cheesy and campy, but entertaining. If anyone knew that I was watching this, they would ridicule me. I miss watching Rescue Me. That is a good show and they're problems are more real and outrageous then these shows. Plus, they can be a little more racy.

I need to go out and get a haircut and will probably do that in few after One Tree Hill. I also want to stop by Cheesecake Factory and get a Snickers cheesecake for Katie. There's a whole big deal behind that and right now I think we're walking on thin ice. Yeah, a lot of it is my fault. But, I've got to try to fix things. I'll go more into detail about the infamous Saturday night. Right now, at least we're being civil. I hope I get some calls for the interview on Monday. I NEED something and want to get my own place. Well, enough for now.

Tuesday night.

Well, I have a job right now. And I'm working at Subway with Katie. At least it is some money to get at the moment. Until I can find something better. My money is running lower than ever and I need some kind of income before I can go out and do anything else. At least I always have the option of going to San Francisco or back home. Yesterday I hung around the apartment with Katie and her brother and we played Mario Kart 64. I owned everyone. Right now Katie is making a call outside and having a smoke. I don't know what to do right now. I have to work tomorrow at 10am at Subway. I'm not working full 8 hour shifts, but I'm getting just a few hours here and there. Well, I'm about done for the night. Probably going to watch some of Katie's shows then go to bed.

I talked to Kim today and she told me that it is possible that her kidneys are failing. I feel bad for her. I miss her too. Well, I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Saturday morning.

Another argument. She's taking me for granted, but doesn't realize this. I feel neglected. I'm tired of the animosity. Still no job, still no calls. She lives on fucking myspace and facebook. She doesn't start conversations. She is not affectionate. I'm tired of trying to make this work. Kim wants me to come back. I find myself constantly thinking about her. Our conversations flow easier and we are very friendly. I miss her. I don't like Katie. I wish I had somewhere else to go. I need another job. Maybe that will fix this mess. I just don't know anymore.

I want to leave.

New Years Eve

Hanging out in the apartment again. (what a surprise) Katie's brother is getting ready for work. I went to Subway this morning to see Katie and give her that box with Erin's games in it. I don't know what's going on tonight, all I know is that I don't want to spend more than $50 bucks tonight. Afterwards, I am REALLY low on cash. Lately, I've been thinking about Kim a lot. I don't know why. Can't really think of much else to say right now. I'll probably come back to this later.