Monday night.

So I pretty much did nothing today besides a few calls. I tried talking to Katie about me staying here and got the same response pretty much. I guess I have nothing to do but wait. I also have realized that I will ALWAYS be second best. No matter who I am with or where I go, I will never amount to anything more than just 2nd. I try a lot and want to be the best boyfriend, but I will always be upsurped by someone. The loving smiles are gone, the hugs and kisses, the affection is just non-existent. I am just here. Just another person with nothing to offer.

I am alone. And I really just need to accept that fact. I think that if I start to realize that completely and accept it for who I am and what I will become that things will be better. My headache has not gone away for a few days, I lost my medication, and I get no remorse. No "Are you ok?" No "Is there anything I can do for you?" Just "I don't want to stay up all night and worry that you are going to collapse."

Yeah, thanks. I miss being home sometimes. I wish I never came out here so soon. I wish things were different, but they never will be. I am who I am and I will never be anything more to anyone. The only time in my life that I felt important was when I was EMT training. I don't regret not going completely into it. I made the right choice there I believe and am sticking to that. It was a great time.

Kim... what do I say about her? Is there anything really to say? Do I still love her? Do I still care for her and want to be with her? I love and care for her as a friend and nothing more. I believe that we could live together and be together forever, both of us alone in our existence and I would be truly happy. I have no "spark" or connection with Katie any more. There's simply hardly anything there.

I don't know what else I can do to try and salvage this. I guess I should just fade out like I always do. I get boring when people truly get to know me. I am surprised that Kim likes me so much. We are such loners and can sit next to each other without saying a word and are both happy. I can't do that here. When nothing happens, NOTHING happens.

And I feel empty and alone more than anything else. I can think of nothing else to do. There's nothing else I can do. There's ABSOLUTELY nothing FUCKING ELSE I CAN DO! So let me lament...

I am 2nd best.
Nobody likes me.
I'm going to lose.
Maybe I should smile more... I have my whole life ahead of me!

Let me look back a year and see where I was last year this time and try to find out where I was emotionally and if I was happy.

That's the good thing about this site and my journal. I can look back on everything that has happened in my life and see if anything has improved at all. Right now Katie is trying to find out her cousin's age or something and doesn't know excatly her age or something. We are probably going to go to bed soon. I want to go out and just forget about things. I am going to drone on about stuff, because I have nothing else to do.

Ok, I think I am going to go look back now. I'm going to say one thing right now. Women have secrets, secrets they won't tell someone they so called "care" about. Flirting, kissing, talking about stuff or about other people. I'm not going into details about things, because it pains me too much. I guess looking back at this you will know exactly what I am talking about.