Another night.

Well, nothing special has happened tonight.

Do I still have feelings for Kim? Yeah, I think I do and the more time goes on the more I want more. I find it hard to not just hug her or want to kiss her. She’s just so cute and I want to hold her in my arms. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I find it hard for me to concentrate on anything else when I’m here. I do feel better when it’s just us. Like when we hang out and do everything together. It seems fine, but I can’t help wanting more. After seeing her hanging with her ex it just killed the feeling I had for her, shock took over and I felt numb all over about everything. I needed to step back and reevaluate our relationship and what I wanted. Maybe I need more time and these feelings will go away.

I’ve also started thinking about going to a different school. Or changing degrees. Something in medicine. Like an EMT. I could go to a larger school and meet different people and maybe get a better girlfriend and forget about all this nonsense. I need a girl right now. I feel lonely and want to share something more with someone. I don’t want to get married, but I want to be with someone. I really like Kim, but I get the feeling that the whole “I’m going to sue you” excuse from her ex was a lie. After everything that’s happened, I find it really hard to trust her. I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Maybe in a few weeks I can try again, but not right now. No matter how bad I want to try I CAN’T. I must maintain my composure that I am being just friends. Maybe in doing so she will want me more. Maybe when her job gets less stressful and she gets her raise something will happen.

I’m not looking forward to working all these hours for the next 10 days. It will be hard to keep my eye on what Kim is doing and in being so busy she will have time to see her ex when I’m away. Plus school is ending soon and my projects are due. Heh, this is ridiculous. I should not be worrying so much about this, but really. I would rather her date someone else then date that fucking loser anymore or even see him again. I need a girl…

I also haven’t gotten to read that mail on the prescriptions for the testosterone. I want to have sex, but at the same time I don’t want to. I find myself checking Kim out every now and then and fantasize about the things I want to do to her. I would give anything to go down on her right now. Nothing on my end, all for her.