Weekend work.

Well, my head is fucking killing me and I can’t get back to sleep. The past week I’ve been living with Kim again as “friends”. If you were to ask me how I truly feel about her I would be lying to say that I really felt nothing more than just friendship there. It’s just that I don’t know if I would want to go back to the way it was. Right now it is fun hanging out with her all the time at home. She seems in a much better mood all the time now. The thing that still bugs me is the “ex-factor”. Yeah, I am still wondering about whether or not she still sees or talks to him. I’ve got to work 6pm-6am tonight and she has plenty of time away from me to go and see him today. Which sucks because there’s nothing I can do to stop her. I mentioned before in another log that I was starting to wonder if what she told me about him threatening to sue her was true or not and if she was just saying that so I would think nothing was up. If that is what really happened, it will be the last straw and I won’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. If it’s true and she really has stopped talking to him for good than our future is a little brighter.

Sometimes I get the feeling that she may want a little more than our so called “friendship”. I find it harder and harder not to hold and kiss her because of how attractive she looks. Right now she is sleeping on the couch and looks so beautiful. I want to hold her in my arms all night and cuddle with her sometimes if nothing more. The medication I’m taking is draining me and I am afraid to take it during work hours for fear that it will inhibit my ability to function. I took two pills after my appointment on Friday and it fucking drained the shit out of me. I didn’t want to do anything and I was so weak. I took one yesterday after work and even though I felt a little drained, I wasn’t completely tired. Now my car is back at work since Kim brought me back yesterday.

… My head is still killing me. My life is full of so much confusion right now. I don’t know what I want to do and where I want to go or who I want to be with. I don’t think staring at my laptop is helping me head feel any better. We do still sleep in the same bed occasionally; she gets up at night sometimes and moves to the couch because of her low sugar levels. I don’t know why she feels she has to sleep out there, but whatever. If she was not comfortable with us “sleeping together” then she could just say something. I feel bad taking the bed; I’d rather sleep on the couch if that were the case. I also wonder why she worries about me so much. I guess she really does care for me still…

I was worried that she was feeling smothered or needed time alone, but she said since we’re “friends” that the pressure is off. Ok, whatever that means. I never was pressuring her for anything she didn’t want to do. That girl truly does not know how to act in a relationship. She over thinks everything. What we have now, I would consider a good relationship. The only thing missing would be kissing and/or sex. Speaking of which I am lacking. It’s true that guys think about it a lot and I tend to think of Kim a lot. When things slow down at work a little more and I am done with all of this hospital bullshit, I’m going to hit the gym hard and get into shape. Then I’m going to make some smooth moves on Kim. She’s such a cutie!
At the mall last night I bought Carmen some chocolates as a sort of “thanks” for giving us overtime. Matt was reluctant to give any money towards it since he still feels like we are all getting taken advantage of. Sure, I think we are, but it is still nice to give a little. Karma is king and what goes around comes around. I need every little bit I can think of. Kim was joking around saying I love Carmen and so was Matt, but I’m just trying to be nice. I’m not giving anything to Steve or Tom, but Carmen has been a descent boss, despite her short comings.

Well, it’s getting later and my head is still aching. I think I’m going to watch a movie on my laptop, get something to eat and relax for a little while longer before the day starts up.