6/12/09

Moving today. Got my new laptop on Wednesday thank god. Katie has so much stuff to pack. She's got like 50 pairs of shoes whereas I only have 3. Work is getting busier which is good. Still have no benefits though, that sucks. And still looking for another job. Sometimes I think I should have kept that other contract job. Now that I got my laptop I can start studying again for my certs. I NEED those. I hope the new apartment has a free wifi spot somewhere. Biking around Seattle is cool. I need to get street tires though. Biking with my mountain bike tires wears me out faster and I have to stop and rest every 10 miles or so.

No job scheduled for today, so I think I'm going to finish packing some stuff. I have to work tomorrow and Sunday so that's good. Need more money. I saw Terminator and Up this week. They weren't too bad. I'm probably going to go out and get some food in a few. I'm hungry.

In perspective.

Some things you try to look pass. Not care or look into them as much. I've done that a lot lately with things, my relationship, my job, the people I hang out with. If I was to stop and really think about the things I do, I don't know if I would really like where I was.

So how did I get here? When I stop and think about it I know exactly where it stemmed from. That's right, the thorn in my side... Kim. It begins and probably will end with her. I would think that it started with Andrea, but I don't think it did. I know it went to shit in the end with her, but that was it. I guess I wanted to prove something to her even though we were through. I wanted to get away and forget about her and this is where I've ended up because of it. I guess I should thank her for my move. But there is still a part of me that wishes things happened differently.

I was talking to Jessica last night about gut feelings. I knew something was going on with Kim and I knew something was going on with Andrea. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Katie's relationships with her guyfriends are... a little... odd. At least to people she doesn't know. Now I think I can tell why James gave me that weird look when I mentioned Chris. Katie would hold his hand or put her hand on his leg, and to other people they would be like... um... WTF? And I am wondering if she did that when they were all out.

It's hard to explain to people. Even to myself sometimes. I guess that's why when I didn't even want to go and hang out with them because of all of that. So she could be all over him or whatever. Yet she gets upset when I'm not out then does that. That's the kind of stuff I didn't even want to see. But I don't care about that anyways. I don't know... to me it seems disrespectful. But I knew about that coming into this. I'm done right now. I gotta go.

So much is going on through my head right now. I'm thinking about so much shit it's not even funny and it kind of worries me. I want to be near her, but at the same time I don't even want to look at her. I love her, but I'm pissed off at her. Do I love her? Honestly, I don't know what the word means. I've never been head over heels in love with someone. I don't know where my problems started. Everything was fine on Thursday night. Woke up, said goodbye. That was it. Then when I came home and she wasn't there. That's where it started I guess. Oh, she said she would go see a movie with her brother that was it. I guess that upset me a little since she would never go with me to one.

Then our mini-argument about Kim. Then Jessica mentioned the whole holding hands thing with her and Chris. That got me thinking about her last day in Chicago and what my gut tells me. Something I could never confront her about. But I just have this feeling. Now I don't even want to look at her. I want to go out and be on my own tonight. Just go to the Taphouse and have a few drinks. Next week is going to be busy and I won't hardly see her again. I'll just do my own thing again.

I want to go see a movie, but I don't have the cash. Don't know what I want to do. I want to go in there and lay next to her, but at the same time I don't. I don't know what I'm thinking. I've been feeling antsy all day and I can't talk to her about my problems. She doesn't have good advice and she doesn't make me feel good when I'm down. I guess maybe that's what it means to be in love. When you feel that no matter how bad things get, the other person will be there to comfort and hold you and just make you feel real good. Katie doesn't do that.

Another crappy sunday.

Well, I found out about a lie last night. You'll know what it is when you read this. For some reason I don't like re-iterating painful experiences. I just want them to be done. I guess I am chronicling them because someday I will look back on these experiences and say "what the fuck was I doing?". Attention whore was having a blast yesterday. I'm not really in the mood to talk with her right now. I'm sure she'll go out and whore herself around today. I am not going to bring it up, unless specifically asked, but I am just going to deal with it on my own. I am getting tired of being the one that is always affectionate with fucking nothing in return.

So I'll see how long it takes for her to come around, which I am guessing is NEVER. She'll just wait for me to explain myself, which I am probably not going to do. My friendship with Kim is once again on the brink of collapse. You'll know about that too. It's always the same thing. I am glad that I came out here though. At least I made an effort to try things on my own. Yeah my family helps me out now and then, but for the most part I'm on my own. That was part of a sign. I just hope that if it's in God's plan for me to leave, that I am brought forth information or I see something that will totally break my trust, that's NOT my fault, and then I can leave.

I'm so broke and my fucking paycheck did not come Friday or Saturday because the fucking mail sucks here. It takes so long to get something. Once again, Katie is whoring herself over the phone, desperate for attention.

After Valentine's Day

So yesterday was a really fun day. It started Friday night and is still going good today. Katie wasn't feeling too good on Friday after we went to the Taphouse. But I helped her out as best that I could. I got her flowers and hid them in the car so that I could surprise her. Saturday morning I cut them and put them in a vase for her. Then later we went to Snoqualmie and got some of those great sandwiches there. After we came back, we went to see that movie, Confessions of a Shopaholic. It was a cute movie and she really liked it. Then we went across the street to Cheesecake Factory and I bought her a Snickers cheesecake. Then we went to the Taphouse again and got some drinks. All in all, it was a fun day. She really liked it and I was glad it was a good Valentine's Day for her.

Right now we've just been relaxing at home and playing some games. Probably go to bed early tonight for work tomorrow. We went shopping at Fred Meyer today which is like a Meijer back at home. Cheap prices and we bought a lot of food. Kim sent me a text today that was meant for her mom, she was at Caribou with douchebag. She fucked up and sent it to me. Then she started texting me like crazy apologizing and tried calling, but I didn't pick up. I'll call her later, but it just proves more how glad I am that we're not together.

Got to go!

Tuesday night.

Worked at Subway today since I got no calls. The calls from Werner haven't come in at all and I am grateful for that since I am hoping to get more from DHI. A call was cancelled for tomorrow and I am a little bummed about that since I was looking forward for a little more money. Other than that everything is going ok. There is the whole thing tomorrow with happy hour that I am concerned and still a little upset about. But I am working on it. I need to trust, but I wish I could fucking cut those fucking assholes hearts out and shove it in their mouths while they are still breathing. FUCK THEM.

Anyways, I will probably go to the Taphouse tomorrow and get a little drunk again. Maybe Jessica will want to go hang out or something. I'll ask her tomorrow if she wants to. We shall see what happens.

Monday night.

Went to my first tech call with Art today. It was a very rewarding experience and I learned a lot. Things didn't go so smooth and it was a good learning experience to see how Art figured out how to get passed them. I also went to the highest building in Seattle and got to see the sky view. It was fucking sweet! I also asked him if you can make a good living off of the job and he just said that he bought a new car based off of the job he is now working with.

I can't wait to start making more money so that I can get on top of my bills. These past 3 months have been hell for me and I have been slacking a lot, but now there is a glimpse of hope and I can't wait to get moving on them. Katie and I are doing good, as far as I know. Things are getting back to normal again. I was a complete ass before and I never want to go through that again. I'll wait and see how things go, as far as our next fight is concerned. Then there's the whole going out with other guys thing too.

I'm also losing more weight so that is a good thing. I can't wait for my pants to start getting even more loose. I'm not even working out right now and I am still losing weight. It's fantastic! Well, that's all I can think of today. I guess I'll get backed to this tomorrow.

5:34pm
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So, I just had the worst nightmare of my whole life and I thought I should write it down while it is still fresh in my mind...

I was sleeping in bed and for some reason was completely cloaked by Death himself. He was slowly smothering me to death and I could hear his voice. I couldn't breath and his black cloak was enveloping me and suffocating me. I "woke up" from this dream and was in bed with Katie. She woke up and I tried telling her what happened. I saw Death standing above me and lunged for the floor, but he really wasn't there. My heart was racing, Katie was upset and angry. I started praying and rocking back and forth. Katie was asking what was wrong with me. I turned to her and a stuffed skunk or some animal turned to her and started screaming at a high pitch noise. (Even typing it is sending chills down my back) So she starts screaming horribly and we bolt from the room. Her brother is in the shower, so we head for the bathroom, she's still screaming, the world is evil and something is coming to get us, I go to pull the shower curtains back... and I wake up. The fear in my mind and my shaking body made this the worst dream I ever had. I was even afraid to go back to sleep.

I just got up to kind of clear my head. Well, I think that is enough. Believe it or not we have only been asleep for about 2 1/2 hours. I'm going to try to go back to bed now.

Sunday afternoon.

Just got off work from Subway. I started the contracting jobs this week. Both of them. I will probably have to quit one by the end of next week but I would like to keep them all if I could. After a couple weeks, hopefully, the money should start rolling in. Katie and I are about to go to the Taphouse. Last night we got stiffed on our drinks since the bartender lady was being a bitch. Hopefully, we don't get her tonight, but at least Katie has her 50 dollar gift card that can be cashed in. I have to go back to Subway tonight and lock the door for her tonight when she leaves.

I saw He's Just Not That In To You yesterday with Katie. It was a cute movie, had a few laughs. Right now I am feeling ok about things between us. The last couple months have been a little sketchy and delicate and I have been walking on egg shells up until recently. Ok, gotta go right now. I'll be back to this after a minute.