Day almost over.

Friday is drawing to a close and it seems to have gone by kind of fast. Hung around the apartment and slept for the morning. Radiation is on Tuesday, then I'm done with that. I can't wait to get healthy again. I realized that I will be paying a lot in medical bills over the next couple months and am not quite thrilled with that. I need to start looking for another job soon as well. I can't stand it there anymore and I want to get out of that place.

I checked on the kittens at Mom's house today and they seemed alright. I'm going to go check on them in the morning. I am worried that the garage is open, which I'm pretty sure that I closed it. I plan on getting up early in the morning to go check on them again. The days are moving by kind of fast and I hope the rest of the weekend is good.

Kim just came by and was making the grudge girl noises. It's kind of creepy how close she comes to sounding just like the movie. Well, getting tired now. Going to go to bed.

The upcoming long weekend.

It's Friday and I have the day off. In fact, I have 4 days off and we just got paid! This is perfect. I can't wait to just relax and have a good long weekend. It's been pretty hectic around work and school lately, but now I can relax and start having a little fun. After paying a couple more bills, I should have around 600 dollars to spend. Not that I want to spend all of it this weekend. I need a new dresser to start putting clothes in and maybe a couple more clothes. Driving to Michigan city would be nice. Everything is cheap there.

I am still sick though, but I think I'm getting better. We're losing Fred at work this week. He's going down south to be with his brother. He says when he gets back that he'll help Matt and I get jobs at this other printshop making more money. That would be nice. Leave The Core behind. Kim is working today, but might be getting out a little earlier, which means around 6:30pm instead of 7:30. I still think she is getting taken advantage of by Carmen and after the whole "credit crisis" on Wednesday she needs to understand that her own personal well being comes first before pleasing Carmen.

I felt a little upset last night at Kim. I wanted to stop by a game store and look at some games and she was making fun of me. Even though I went to see Harry Potter and never made fun of her, it kind of hurt me a little. I played it off like I was upset at not being able to go out, it just hurt my feelings. Yes, I do still have feelings. Even after the whole "I saw her with her ex" incident. I guess I have started to recover slightly. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if she started dating someone else. Would I be jealous? Probably yeah. I guess there is still a part of me deep down that has feelings for her still. Is it love? I don't think so, but what we have now is great and I don't want to spoil that by bringing up something that could potentially stress her out.

I will, but not now. I did say that I would give her a couple months before attempting to try it again and who knows, it may work out. As long as she is not talking to her dumbass ex boyfriend.

Well, here's to the long weekend! Hope we have fun!

Almost done!

We're almost done printing Allstate at work! I can't wait to have a long weekend where I can rest and recuperate. I'm still sick and my nose runs all the time, but not as much as it did before. I bought some NyQuil and Tylenol cold medicine as well as kleenex which I've gone through a couple boxes already. The power went out last Friday and partly over the weekend. Carmen called us in Friday night to work. Matt didn't feel up to it and suggested we tell Carmen to wait till the morning to start. I look back on that now with regret. I should have told him that his possible upcoming raise could count on this, but I didn't. Carmen was upset, I offered to stay a while and help print while Matt got to leave. He came back later to help Marcin, but was drunk and didn't help at all. Then he left the other night (I'm losing track of days now) because he was sick.

Kim says Carmen is looking to replace him with some dork she was talking to the other day. That kind of sucks. I know Matt should have been more responsible and stuck with it, but it just sucks that it might turn out this way. Kim's thinks it's good, but I just can't feel excited about it. Matt is my friend and even though he has kind of screwed himself, I can't help but feel sorry for him and what might happen. Maybe he should try to apologize for what he's done and then she might reconsider.

Well, I need to take a shower and get ready for tonight. Kim wants to go to Baja Fresh I think it is. And one last thing... I have hemmoroids! More on that later. God, this sucks ass. (No pun intended.)

Geting sick.

I'm getting sicker each day now. I think I've caught Jaime's cold. She was coughing all over the office and I finally got it. Now my nose is running and I have a sore throat. I'm trying to work on my final project tonight, need to get my pricing and powerpoint presentation ready. I'm not too far from finished now and that's good news. The presentation is supposed to last around 3 to 5 minutes, so I think I can BS for about that long. I've done this before so I have an idea of what I want to talk about.

Starbucks loves to get in my way when I'm doing work. He just loves to be the center of attention. Stupid little kitty. Actually, he's not so little anymore. But he is stupid. :) He has a big body and a little head. He's getting fatter I think. Oh, I don't feel very well. I have to work tonight at 9pm to 6am. Which is going to suck big time! I don't know how long I'm going to last. I might come back a little early, but I don't want to leave Matt by himself. Fred is leaving soon and we're going to be even more short handed on print operators.

Kim left for work 10 minutes ago. I hope I didn't keep her up at all. I had trouble sleeping since I wasn't feeling well. I even threw up in the bathroom. I think I'm going to throw up again. Better go.

It works!

Well, just realized that we also have broadband internet as well. This is great, now we don't have to drive all the way to Panera or Caribou in order to get online. I can also do homework from home too. Work SUCKED last night. I started feeling really sick around 11pm and then all three printers went down for three hours. Three hours! It was ridiculous. I went again to the doctor today. I was fucking late because I slept in so late. Last night was horrible. I threw up like three times and was about to pass out. I literally did when I got back home. Kim gave me some water and tucked me in. She's so special to me. I love her so much. "As a friend" Not like I used to.

Our relationship seems to be in a "middle" state right now. I know it's great that we're friends and we're living together, but I get these feelings that she feels a deeper connection to me then just friendship. I felt her rub her cheek against mine this morning as I was sleeping and I thought that she kissed me.

My stomach is still feeling weird and I don't think I should eat much of anything for the next couple days. I need to rest. I haven't worked on my project yet, but I should. I think I'll start tonight.

Weekend work.

Well, my head is fucking killing me and I can’t get back to sleep. The past week I’ve been living with Kim again as “friends”. If you were to ask me how I truly feel about her I would be lying to say that I really felt nothing more than just friendship there. It’s just that I don’t know if I would want to go back to the way it was. Right now it is fun hanging out with her all the time at home. She seems in a much better mood all the time now. The thing that still bugs me is the “ex-factor”. Yeah, I am still wondering about whether or not she still sees or talks to him. I’ve got to work 6pm-6am tonight and she has plenty of time away from me to go and see him today. Which sucks because there’s nothing I can do to stop her. I mentioned before in another log that I was starting to wonder if what she told me about him threatening to sue her was true or not and if she was just saying that so I would think nothing was up. If that is what really happened, it will be the last straw and I won’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. If it’s true and she really has stopped talking to him for good than our future is a little brighter.

Sometimes I get the feeling that she may want a little more than our so called “friendship”. I find it harder and harder not to hold and kiss her because of how attractive she looks. Right now she is sleeping on the couch and looks so beautiful. I want to hold her in my arms all night and cuddle with her sometimes if nothing more. The medication I’m taking is draining me and I am afraid to take it during work hours for fear that it will inhibit my ability to function. I took two pills after my appointment on Friday and it fucking drained the shit out of me. I didn’t want to do anything and I was so weak. I took one yesterday after work and even though I felt a little drained, I wasn’t completely tired. Now my car is back at work since Kim brought me back yesterday.

… My head is still killing me. My life is full of so much confusion right now. I don’t know what I want to do and where I want to go or who I want to be with. I don’t think staring at my laptop is helping me head feel any better. We do still sleep in the same bed occasionally; she gets up at night sometimes and moves to the couch because of her low sugar levels. I don’t know why she feels she has to sleep out there, but whatever. If she was not comfortable with us “sleeping together” then she could just say something. I feel bad taking the bed; I’d rather sleep on the couch if that were the case. I also wonder why she worries about me so much. I guess she really does care for me still…

I was worried that she was feeling smothered or needed time alone, but she said since we’re “friends” that the pressure is off. Ok, whatever that means. I never was pressuring her for anything she didn’t want to do. That girl truly does not know how to act in a relationship. She over thinks everything. What we have now, I would consider a good relationship. The only thing missing would be kissing and/or sex. Speaking of which I am lacking. It’s true that guys think about it a lot and I tend to think of Kim a lot. When things slow down at work a little more and I am done with all of this hospital bullshit, I’m going to hit the gym hard and get into shape. Then I’m going to make some smooth moves on Kim. She’s such a cutie!
At the mall last night I bought Carmen some chocolates as a sort of “thanks” for giving us overtime. Matt was reluctant to give any money towards it since he still feels like we are all getting taken advantage of. Sure, I think we are, but it is still nice to give a little. Karma is king and what goes around comes around. I need every little bit I can think of. Kim was joking around saying I love Carmen and so was Matt, but I’m just trying to be nice. I’m not giving anything to Steve or Tom, but Carmen has been a descent boss, despite her short comings.

Well, it’s getting later and my head is still aching. I think I’m going to watch a movie on my laptop, get something to eat and relax for a little while longer before the day starts up.

Sitting at Panera.

Just sitting at Panera waiting for my friend to show up so we can go get something to eat. I need to help him move some stuff, then I can go back home. Between work, school, the doctor and the whole worrying about Kim situation, my time and stress levels are rising. I feel alright for now, but I can see things wearing down eventually.

I've got a presentation due next week that I haven't even prepared for yet. I need to work on it this weekend so I can get something done. I haven't been paying much attention to it, mostly worrying about work and school. My friend is getting closer now and I'm getting ready to go. Still wondering if Kim is seeing her ex asshole. I think she is and that bs about him saying he was going to sue her was in fact BS. But then again I don't know. But I was right about if she was seeing him again and what do you know? I was right. So I'm probably right about this.

Well, my friend is here. Better go.

Another night.

Well, nothing special has happened tonight.

Do I still have feelings for Kim? Yeah, I think I do and the more time goes on the more I want more. I find it hard to not just hug her or want to kiss her. She’s just so cute and I want to hold her in my arms. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I find it hard for me to concentrate on anything else when I’m here. I do feel better when it’s just us. Like when we hang out and do everything together. It seems fine, but I can’t help wanting more. After seeing her hanging with her ex it just killed the feeling I had for her, shock took over and I felt numb all over about everything. I needed to step back and reevaluate our relationship and what I wanted. Maybe I need more time and these feelings will go away.

I’ve also started thinking about going to a different school. Or changing degrees. Something in medicine. Like an EMT. I could go to a larger school and meet different people and maybe get a better girlfriend and forget about all this nonsense. I need a girl right now. I feel lonely and want to share something more with someone. I don’t want to get married, but I want to be with someone. I really like Kim, but I get the feeling that the whole “I’m going to sue you” excuse from her ex was a lie. After everything that’s happened, I find it really hard to trust her. I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Maybe in a few weeks I can try again, but not right now. No matter how bad I want to try I CAN’T. I must maintain my composure that I am being just friends. Maybe in doing so she will want me more. Maybe when her job gets less stressful and she gets her raise something will happen.

I’m not looking forward to working all these hours for the next 10 days. It will be hard to keep my eye on what Kim is doing and in being so busy she will have time to see her ex when I’m away. Plus school is ending soon and my projects are due. Heh, this is ridiculous. I should not be worrying so much about this, but really. I would rather her date someone else then date that fucking loser anymore or even see him again. I need a girl…

I also haven’t gotten to read that mail on the prescriptions for the testosterone. I want to have sex, but at the same time I don’t want to. I find myself checking Kim out every now and then and fantasize about the things I want to do to her. I would give anything to go down on her right now. Nothing on my end, all for her.

Girls don't want Mr. Nice guy.

I've come to the realization that girls don't want a nice guy. Sure they say they do, they bitch and complain and whine about how all guys are dicks and cheaters and care only about themselves and are wondering if there are any normal or "nice" guys out there. When in reality there are lots of them, but they are treated like shit and tossed to the curb because they don't "challenge" them enough.

Girls like to play games.

Plain and simple. Sure guys do to, but girls do it just the same and they are about as bad as it comes when breaking hearts or treating nice guys like shit. Take for example, my relationship with my ex. The last two ex's to be exact. Both of them were totally in to me when I first started going out with them because for once, since they both just got out of bad relationships, they were going out with someone that was treating them with respect. Someone that treated them fairly and went out of their way to be supportive and helpful.

But soon that started to fall through. They had gotten what they wanted out of me, someone to make their ex's jealous or to fill that void of loneliness they began talking to their ex again and seeing them and going out with them. All the while lying to me and treating me like shit. Using words like "it's not you it's me" or "you deserve someone better". After saying "I love you" and opening the floodgates they closed them abruptly and cut me off.

My heart was broken, I felt like shit. But I held on as they would go back to their ex's calling me and bitching how they are being treated like shit or how the other person has changed. They were liers and still are, but I guess they deserve them since they are liers themselves. Am I bitter? Yeah. After being burned twice now by two different girls that I could have sworn were different then all the other garbage out there I have come to the fact that all girls are lying whores that say one thing when they mean the opposite.

Hey, it's possible that there are nice girls out there just like there are nice guys, but the REAL ones are so few and far between the chances of meeting one are slim to none. So I guess they'll be one less nice guy in this world to date because from now on I only care about one person: myself.

Sitting in Caribou.

Well, I'm sitting in Caribou coffee with Kim on the computer. I finished my homework, which I'm glad so now my weekend is free. I feel kind of sick, probably because I drank a little too much last night. I'm such a lightweight... Six beers and a Jager bomb and I was out. I guess I should expect much since I didn't eat anything before hand. I feel out of shape as well and can't wait to get back into the gym and hit it hard. I slept pretty good (thanks to the alcohol) and most of my daily concerns seemed to bleed away. They slowly started to return when I awoke [sober]. Starbucks was jumping on me at night and I awoke a couple times as well to use the bathroom, but for the most part I slept good.

Sometimes I wonder what will become of me in the next few years. Earlier I was thinking about what will happen in the next year since I have started working at The Core, but now I'm starting to wonder years down the road. More than likely, I'll be fat, broke and alone. But that's a big assumption. I'll probably be in a situation not unlike the one I am in now, complaining about my career, my relationships, the shape I'm in (physically and emotionally) and what I will be doing years from now.

Hopefully, by that time I'll have my own place at least! This job, while good, is just depressing me. I can't seem to think that there is nothing else out there for me to do that I would be good at. I would really like to act, but that's just a dream that would never happen. My online time is running out here at Caribou and I might have to re-register a new email address in order to gain access again. I used my friend's email address before. It's funny how easy it is, but with isp prices these days...

I haven't showered in a day and I feel so sticky and grimey. I should probably take a shower soon before Kim faints from my stench. I don't know how she puts up with me, but she is a good friend. Sometimes I think that I want more, like what we had, if we had it, but right now a friend is good enough. I really want to see that movie, but I don't think she wants to go. We saw Harry Potter so by god we are seeing this! :)

I'm freaking out about my tumor and I just hope everything goes ok. I'm nervous about the Chemo, but if it helps then I'll do it. I better post before my time runs up. I hope we have a good time together tonight.

One year from now...

I wonder what I will be like a year from now. All the heartaches and bad times I'm going through right now. I've got to get Chemotherapy and surgery on my tumor in my head soon, family members having heart attacks, my lack of getting an apartment and not making enough money a year. Things just aren't working out the way I planned them. I never thought I would be stuck in this situation when I started this job a year ago. I was happy that I had left that warehouse job and was suffering every single day in 100 degree and 90% humidity. I got this job and was like "yes!". I thought I was getting a step closer to becoming a computer admin.

Eventually I did only a few months later and it wasn't really what I expected. I was worried that it would be complex and I was still a little green from just graduating school. But I kind of got through it. It was also around that time that I started to like Kim. I worked out religiously trying to get into shape. I started worrying about other guys hitting on her in the back and that my chances of asking her out would be lost. She was also had a boyfriend, but I was getting hints that it was ending. And this, was the begining of my descent into the hole I am already in. Soon I started concentrating more on our relationship then anything else. I was quickly running out of things to do at work since all of my goals that I had started out with when I was promoted were getting completed.

It was getting slow and has never really picked up much since. Every now and then I will help print, but that's about it. I started school again, but am not feeling as excited about it as I once did. At least I was happy with the relationship I was in. But then the bottom fell out of that too. I should have known something like this was going to happen so soon after breaking up with her boyfriend. But I was stupid and made a mistake. One which I must never do again. I let my guard down and fell in love, also a stupid mistake which I must never do again.

So now I stop and think about the past year and how bad it's been and wonder what the next year will have in store for me. A new job? New girlfriend? New place to live? New car? Different school? I don't know what it has in store for me, but I hope to god that it is better than what I am going through right now. I'm waiting at work for Kim to get done with doing whatever she's doing then we're going to Caribou. I don't know what is in store for us tonight, tomorrow or next week. But I am sure it can't be good. I feel sort of numb about everything since my previous post. I felt content and relaxed staying over at her place last night. But I don't know what to think. A momentary reprieve before we go back to being distant again.

I think I'm done for now.

Well, the truth hurts.

I saw them together. Don't ask me how, I was at the mall and she was with him. Some old guy. I guess that's her ex. She was walking with him in the mall. I didn't go up to her or confront them. I would have called her horrible names and thrown his bitch-ass off of the balcony and KILLED him. But, I kept calm. I saw them leave together. She called me up later that night and I let her have it. How could she hang out with someone after saying all those horrible things about him?

It's as if she wanted to break up so she could go out with him without feeling guilty about it. Whatever, I went through such a range of emotions talking and yelling at her that I'm numb now. I don't expect anything or care. I'm an empty shell that doesn't give a shit anymore. I guess that's good so that all I want to care about is myself. I need to concentrate on my job and school and forget about this whole fucking mess I was dragged into by her. I should have never asked her out and never dated her. It's hard to think that it ended this way. She should just go back to her crybaby ex and get that shit over with. At least it will stop his whining and bitching. I went out tonight to the club and realized there are SO many girls out there. What the hell am I doing crying over this one? I even pulled a number tonight from a girl I was talking to.

Yeah, it hurts, but whatever. I'm moving on and now that I know the truth. It can only get easier.

Lots of overtime!

Well, work has picked up at The Core. With 3 and 6 millions Allstate forms to be printed as well as other jobs, there's more work to be done. And with more work comes more money. Carmen said that I would get paid overtime for this and I am looking forward to it. I was called back to look at the studio apartment that I had my eye on. Unfortunately, my dad won't be able to make it and suggested that I look at his old apartments in Westmont. He said studios there go for around 500 or so a month. It would be nice to move there, and I would be a little close to work, but not by much. Worked late last night from 10pm to around 6am. Ran the printers for a while and started to get used to them. Kim called today and said that Carmen would like me to come in tonight and I probably will. I also want to come in tomorrow before I leave to look at the apartment.

Speaking of Kim, I'm still up in arms about what to do about her. My car died Monday and I tried calling her since she was closest, but she was ignoring or someone else was ignoring my calls. It was bullshit, because it started raining and I was stuck on 355. I was pissed and when I asked her if her ex had moved back in with her or if she was at his place she gave a not convincing "No..." There was also this strange echo that she did not explain. I don't know what the hell is going on with her, but my gut tells me that she is seeing someone else already. Whether it is her ex or someone else she has met out here I'm not sure. I have been tempted to follow her, but that would be WAY to stalker-ish.

I'm going to talk to her about it whenever we go out next, maybe tonight or tomorrow when we go (if we go) see the movie. I'm guessing she'll try and pull out of it. Fuck that, she owes me. If she confirms what I think, then yes, I'll be hurt, but at least I can move on. If she went back to that 40 year old crybaby it's HER LOSS. Well, I'm starting to get up just thinking about it. I just know she is going to try and pull out. Ok, I'm done for now.

Not answering... again.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people have cell phones and DON'T keep them on them. I just hate that. You have a cell phone so keep it with you! It's the only way people are going to be able to communicate with you. I always keep mine near me in case someone tries to get a hold of me. For example, trying to call some people tonight and NO ONE answers their god damn phone. Well, Matt finally did so that's ok. But Kim isn't. Now I am worrying about her, if she's ok and all of that. And I'm also upset now that she didn't answer her phone. Left it at work, in her car, in her purse... etc etc. I saw her put it in her purse, so unless she took it out when she was in her car, she is ignoring me. Damn it! I'm so pissed. ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea what to do in a few hours when I go in to work. Hopefully, it won't be too hard and Bob shows up on time.

I love her still.

Thinking about her again. We met for coffee this morning and talked on the phone last night. She seemed at ease about work and the firing of that idiot John. I hope Carmen hires that new girl and she helps Kim out. It will make her feel better about work. I also hope Kim asks for a raise and gets a good one which she deserves. She is afraid to ask Carmen for one, but I know that she has done enough to earn one. Carmen loves her and relies heavily on her hard work to keep everything together. Kim worries that they would fire her for asking which would NOT be the case.

I mentioned to Kim again that I was looking at apartments. We joked about having her move in with me and she seemed that she still wanted to. Either for financial reasons or to be with me I'm still not sure. She wants two bedrooms, but I think I would find it hard to live with her and not sleep with her all the time. She is too attractive to me not to touch her and, of course, I still love her. I was flipping out yesterday over this whole thank you situation that I realize how immature I am acting. Once I talk to her everything is fine and I feel better. God, I miss her. Sometimes I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold her.

I do not want to have sex with you!

This girl keeps calling me up and talking to me online about wanting to come up and see me. All I want is someone to talk to. I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her in any way. She sends me pictures of her naked and it's just doesn't do anything for me. She keeps saying I'll come up and make you forget about her, but I'm thinking "eww". It just seems wrong. She has two kids already and a boyfriend, and I don't/never wanted to be the other guy. Plus, not only does it seem wrong, it just seems dirty (not in a good way).

I want Kim back, she's all I need. Sometimes I wonder if this is what her ex's felt about her. Why the fuck does she do this to guys? In the past she said she broke up with them, because they did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong! I wasn't clingy or anything and I was willing to give her space. The whole moving in together never seemed right and I'm hoping to change that when I talk to her tonight. Sometimes I feel like crying because I miss her so much. Everyone around me gets good luck. My friend gets into a car accident and falls into money, my other friend makes more money than me, another friend gets hooked up with a good job that pays more than me.

Am I grateful for the position I am in? I was. Not anymore. I'm stuck in a horrible place in my life and I can't get out of it. If god placed me here than I pray he places me somewhere else. I want to blame somebody so I blame him. WRONG! Bad idea. Why can't he just help me? Then I see on the news that a doctor lost his entire family to burglary. His ENTIRE family. He must be crushed and wanting to die. I don't know what I'd do. If I feel this bad about losing Kim that much, if I had married her and had kids and they all were killed, I would want to die too. I would blame god for all of my suffering and wondering why he would do something like this to me.

Then I think if 9/11, then of any other tragedy where people have been lost and even other people that have broken up with their significant others because of loss in interest. These people all probably prayed their hearts out to god asking him why. Me too. These people probably had all the same idea as me. To ask god to make it better, to make all of this pain worth something. And I wonder how many of these people were changed... for the better. It's been almost a week now and I can't help but miss her and want her back. I am disregarding friend and family advice because of my overwhelming need to see her. I think to myself that I would tell my friends or family the same thing. "She's not worth it. She didn't care for you like you did her. She could give a rat's ass about you. She is seeing someone else. She lies to you about a lot of things. There are plenty of other girls out there. DO NOT talk to her anymore. Avoid her like the plague."

But I can't! I am holding onto the hope that she still has feelings for me. I need to see her, she's like a drug that I can't live without! I need her now, I want t hear her voice, to hold her in my arms, to sleep next to her, to cuddle with her, to watch tv and movies with. To do everything together with her. Please... god help me I'm begging you. Help me get over her. Do something please! I can't take this!

No damn appreciation.

What the hell? I go and buy her some food and I get no thanks? It takes two fucking seconds to pick up her goddamn phone and say thanks for the food. And don't give me that bullshit "i forgot" or "i was too busy". I'm so angry all the time now. Days go by where I hate her for ignoring me or forgetting about me, then there's days where I love her. What the hell am I fucking doing? Why do I keep punishing myself with her? She obviously is too busy to even acknowledge me. I'm SO ANGRY! DAMN IT! I WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL. Now there's the shit with my tumor, my dying grandmother and I can't seem to get another fucking job.

So I'm stuck with this fucking job hearing her voice everyday. FUCK THAT and FUCK EVERYONE here! I want this to end. I don't give a shit if I die, I just want all this fucking pain and emotion and horrible shit in my life to just go away. I'd give anything for the pain to go away. My life sucks!

God, I'm so lost...

I miss her so much. What the hell am I thinking? I'm so depressed and these stages of loss that I keep hopping to is driving me into this dark pit that I cannot seem to get out of. I want to call her and tell her that I want her back, that I need her so much. I still love her and if she felt the same way I know it would work out.