It's over.

Well, Kim and I finally ended it Saturday. I feel like a huge cloud of despair has come over me. I can't seem to shake the fact that it's over. I was angry, so angry I punched a hole through the wall in my house. Thoughts of her cheating on me or going back to her ex boyfriend haunt me constantly. I just don't know what to think anymore? I'm so sick of all these emotions. I should have never taken this job, should have never asked her out, should have never stayed with her after all of this shit. But I did, I was clinging on to something that wasn't there. Thoughts of her overwhelm everything else. I feel weak and pathetic knowing that she doesn't think of me at all. That she is "over" me. I've got to get out of here...

I hate homework!

Well, it's almost time to leave for school and I haven't finished all my homework yet. I just hate doing it. I'm sorry, but yes I know I fell behind, but I don't want to do it! It's so boring and I've got other important work to do here. We need internet at the apartment. It's killing me to not have it and I don't want to have to drive all the way to freaking Panera just to go online. Kim and I are still trying to work it out. We talked again last night on the phone, then met up and had dinner. She claims she doesn't feel affectionate at all towards me, which I find kind of strange. I told her that I don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with me. But she still does.

Another one of those days...

Kim and I almost broke up again. I was having difficulty leaving after our talk. I just couldn't muster the strength to walk out. I was waiting for a response that was not coming. She would just say, "it's ok. it'll get better." Well, yeah. I know it will. I find it upsetting when she asks if I'm depressed or sad. Yes I am, but what does that matter? I packed everything and was walking out when she called me back telling me we'll really try to work it out. It should be like SHE'LL try to work it out. I've done nothing wrong. Why do I always have such hard relationships? Can't I meet a normal girl for once?

Thank god it's Friday!

Friday has come again. To think a week has gone by already. Thing's have started to slow down again for me at work again starting yesterday. I've got some newer items on my plate today and am excited to start tackling them. I have an interview on Monday which I am looking forward to. I don't know what will come of it, but I am optimistic about it. I've started reading another book. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. I haven't gotten too far into it, I can be a slow reader, but it is pretty funny. Every character is crazy! At least that is what everyone is always calling eachother. The main character, Yossarian(sp?) is a bit of a nut. He seems a little like Clinger from MASH that is trying to get out of combat duty so he won't get killed.

If I had been born in that period of time, I probably would have volunteered to go over to Europe and fight. More than likely I would have been killed right out on D-Day. I am pretty brave when it comes to those kinds of things, but then when the moment arrives and I realize just what is at stake (my life) I probably would be throwing up or pissing my pants all the way to Berlin. It's best not to think about it and keep busy, focusing on something to keep your mind off of the worst that could happen.

Kind of like what I do now. I worry about a lot of things: my job, school, my girlfriend, my health and my financial situation. The latter of which is not that great. For not living in my own apartment I still end up with no money after each paycheck. I have been behind on some bills for a while now (my credit card is killing me), but at least I haven't been late. So I try to keep myself busy in order to not think about it. But it's hard when work is so slow! I've been thinking of getting another job, well second job, on top of this one I already have just so I can make a little extra cash. The printer guys in the back aren't working this weekend and so my plan on asking Bob if I can take his shift for some overtime is out of the question. Maybe next weekend.

I've been having some weird dreams lately, I keep dreaming that my girlfriend doesn't love me or wants to be with me at all. I'll wake up in a cold sweat and look over at her sleeping soundly. She's so beautiful that I just want to hold her all night long. I feel kind of down everytime she slides away from me whenever I try to make contact. It hurts thinking that she might just be doing this all because I might be dying (a tumor in my head). We haven't been intimate with each other in a few months now and it's because of my tumor that's why (very low testosterone). I have been wanting to get close to her, but she seems to always back away. I don't know what to do. During the day she is very friendly and somewhat affectionate, but I get this gut feeling deep down that there is a wall between us still. Could it be her ex-boyfriend? I don't think she sees him anymore, but I can't say for sure.

I've talked to my sister about this and she says that I have nothing to feel sorry for. I didn't do anything to cause her to feel that way. Was I too nice? I was never possessive or clingy. Unlike all her other boyfriends, I never made her the center of my universe. Sure she has a large part, but there are other important things too. Yes, I did do some crazy things when she wanted to break up. I even found out that she had been lying to me about seeing her ex, I looked through her cellphone to confirm and found out it was true. She said she couldn't get passed the point that I looked through her phone even though I was trying to look passed the point of her lying to me. Well, I'll see how this weekend goes and maybe see how she really feels about me. I can only hope that I make her happy.

I'm going to start working out again this weekend. I need to loose this little gut of mine. I was climbing stairs today and was running out of breath after three flights! Granted I did have a both hands full of groceries. I usually run 45 minutes a day, but this week I have been busy and haven't been able to get to the gym. I'm not obsessed about loosing weight or gaining huge muscles. But I want to be in good shape and look pleasing to my girlfriend who, contrary to what she might think, has a great body.

The days go by.

Well, this is my first blog. I haven't been doing much today accept looking over event logs and doing research. I've written plenty in my own personal journal so I thought I would start writing here as well about my daily activities and personal relationships. I'll keep this first entry short. My job has been getting boring again. That is the problem with administering a small company. The downtime is horrible. I try to keep myself busy, but most of the time I am near sleep. I am going to several job interviews next week so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm still a little nervous about my girlfriend and I getting back together. I must admit, everything seemed a little shaky when I saw her Sunday night after the movie. She seemed confused like she didn't really want to be with me. It almost felt forced when I went up to see her that night. Monday night though she said everything was fine, so I am hoping it really is. I love her, but I don't want to push her away. I'm not clingy or anything, but I don't want to lose her. That's probably the biggest thing on my mind right now. I hope we can stay together. I could see spending the rest of my life with her. Well, that's all for today.