There is a shitload of snow coming down today. It sucks, because I forgot my student ID pass AGAIN. I need to drive home and get my dress attire for tomorrow's dispatch clinical. I will probably do that after class tonight. I don't know when I will be able to get home. Then I have to drive all the way back to the apartment and go to sleep. I am not looking forward to it. I probably won't get back to the apartment and in bed till around midnight. I need to tell Carmen about not getting in till around noon tomorrow. Then I have to schedule my ride times for next weekend.
Not looking forward to tonight.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Those around me. Part 2
I feel like continuing my list of friends and people around me right now. At this moment I am sitting on Kim's couch. She is sitting on the red chair on her laptop. Starbucks is around somewhere. CSI Miami is on.
Chuck Hall:
He's our second computer programmer. He was hired on around the same time Jaime was. He seemed pretty quiet when he was first hired. Matt and the others were pretty friendly with him. I went golfing with him, Dan, and Matt. Seems alright. Leaves work at 5pm almost to the T. Doesn't like to stay any more then he has to. Also plays WoW. But not as much as Reggie does.
Mike Kamp:
Met him at ITT. My first impression of him was that he was outspoken. I was actually kind of annoyed with him the first time I saw him. I remember I was in my Trigonometry class when he came in. He had transfered to our course from CEET. Eventually, we started becoming more friendly. Me mentioned The Core during a break one afternoon. I took his offer. Eventually I got a call while at work at RR Donnelly. The Friday of the first week I started working there I worked with Mike. It was fun and we hung out that night. I was so glad to be leaving RR Donnelly. That summer (2006) was blistering hot and I was glad to get into an air conditioned office. After he quit and got another job, we've hung out a few times. I've met up with him at clubs and went to his birthday at Mannequin in Chicago on Saturday. We play CoD4 a lot.
Tom Truedson:
One of the co-founders of The Core Organization. I talk to him frequently at work regarding computer problems and IT improvments. I think he has some trust in me that I can get things accomplished. I switched over the servers, fixed some of his own personal computers as well as put together a new computer at work for him. He seems pretty down-to-earth. Told me today that he wants me to learn the Mac network and might send me to a class learn about it.
David Skowronski:
Known him for years. He likes computers and cars. He works at a nice job and makes 45,000 a year. I tried to get a job with him many times, but he never came through. He lives in Roselle after moving out of his parents house. I talk to him every now and then. Last time I saw him was the night that I left Kim after I yelled at her. Is going out with some girl.
Marina Curtis:
The new girl that works across from me in my old office. She's midly attractive and always wears low tops that show off her cleavage. Matt was a little infatuated with her after they went to Jaime's sister's birthday party. Haven't really talked to her that much. I find it annoying that she walks back and forth passed my office a lot. She usually walks passed me when I'm not doing anything and sometimes I get the impression that she thinks I don't do anything important.
There's other people of course, but I think that I am done for now. I'm watching another CSI Miami and getting a little tired. I told my mom that I was moving in with a friend, but in reality I moved back in with Kim. If my mom knew that she would flip out. If my sister knew that she would probably disown me. Hehe. I've got class tomorrow night and dispatch on Friday morning. I managed to keep myself busy at work today. I was actually working hard getting things done. I found some really good cameras and keyless entry cards/locks for work. I wasn't feeling good this evening after work. I was feeling kind of nauseated. After eating some crackers, I felt better.
I got my car back this morning too! I was glad to have it back. Last night that truck was sliding all over the place.
Well, I think I am done writing for tonight.
Chuck Hall:
He's our second computer programmer. He was hired on around the same time Jaime was. He seemed pretty quiet when he was first hired. Matt and the others were pretty friendly with him. I went golfing with him, Dan, and Matt. Seems alright. Leaves work at 5pm almost to the T. Doesn't like to stay any more then he has to. Also plays WoW. But not as much as Reggie does.
Mike Kamp:
Met him at ITT. My first impression of him was that he was outspoken. I was actually kind of annoyed with him the first time I saw him. I remember I was in my Trigonometry class when he came in. He had transfered to our course from CEET. Eventually, we started becoming more friendly. Me mentioned The Core during a break one afternoon. I took his offer. Eventually I got a call while at work at RR Donnelly. The Friday of the first week I started working there I worked with Mike. It was fun and we hung out that night. I was so glad to be leaving RR Donnelly. That summer (2006) was blistering hot and I was glad to get into an air conditioned office. After he quit and got another job, we've hung out a few times. I've met up with him at clubs and went to his birthday at Mannequin in Chicago on Saturday. We play CoD4 a lot.
Tom Truedson:
One of the co-founders of The Core Organization. I talk to him frequently at work regarding computer problems and IT improvments. I think he has some trust in me that I can get things accomplished. I switched over the servers, fixed some of his own personal computers as well as put together a new computer at work for him. He seems pretty down-to-earth. Told me today that he wants me to learn the Mac network and might send me to a class learn about it.
David Skowronski:
Known him for years. He likes computers and cars. He works at a nice job and makes 45,000 a year. I tried to get a job with him many times, but he never came through. He lives in Roselle after moving out of his parents house. I talk to him every now and then. Last time I saw him was the night that I left Kim after I yelled at her. Is going out with some girl.
Marina Curtis:
The new girl that works across from me in my old office. She's midly attractive and always wears low tops that show off her cleavage. Matt was a little infatuated with her after they went to Jaime's sister's birthday party. Haven't really talked to her that much. I find it annoying that she walks back and forth passed my office a lot. She usually walks passed me when I'm not doing anything and sometimes I get the impression that she thinks I don't do anything important.
There's other people of course, but I think that I am done for now. I'm watching another CSI Miami and getting a little tired. I told my mom that I was moving in with a friend, but in reality I moved back in with Kim. If my mom knew that she would flip out. If my sister knew that she would probably disown me. Hehe. I've got class tomorrow night and dispatch on Friday morning. I managed to keep myself busy at work today. I was actually working hard getting things done. I found some really good cameras and keyless entry cards/locks for work. I wasn't feeling good this evening after work. I was feeling kind of nauseated. After eating some crackers, I felt better.
I got my car back this morning too! I was glad to have it back. Last night that truck was sliding all over the place.
Well, I think I am done writing for tonight.
Those around me.
I thought I would write a little about the people in and around my life at this moment. It seems that the majority of this blog has been about Kim and my turmoil and hardship about my relationship with her. Of course, she is not the ONLY person I know. Here's a short list with a little description of those around me that I know. Just random people off of the top of my head that I interact the most with, no special order.
Alan Harper:
I met him when I started working at the Core. He seemed like a cool guy right off the bat. Developed a friendship with him not too long after I started working there. He was the first person I talked to about liking Kim. He sort of warned me about going out with her. He has tons of friends and goes out to clubs a lot. I went out with him for the first time around December 2006 and got completely hammered. I had a blast though. Have seen him a couple other times and it was fun. Though nothing can top the first time.
Matt Kamp:
Actually met him through his brother Mike at ITT. After Mike got me the job at The Core, I worked with him. Took me out to lunch on the first day. Developed a friendship with him and have been friends ever since. Hung out after work a bunch of times. I got angry with him once after my initial breakup with Kim, but apologized and got over it. Doesn't like to go out a lot though. Has been hanging out with a neighbor of his. A girl named Jackie. She seems pretty cool.
Marcin Sarna:
Met him at The Core. Wojo got him a job there. Didn't really talk to him much when he first started working there. Don't remember when I really started to be friendly with him. But eventually did. We went out to lunch a few times. Has a girlfriend and likes to party a lot. Not a really heavy drinker. Have only seen him at a club once. This past weekend. He's tried to help me through my times with Kim. He's a good guy.
Reggie Taylor:
Known him for years. We used to play basketball a lot when we were younger. Didn't talk for a long while after I started going out with Kim. He got me the job at RR Donnelly. I hate to say it, but he is kind of a flake. After introducing to Kim, she went on to insult him and myself for being friends with him. Some bullshit like "it tells a lot about a person depending on who they hang out with". I admit he did flake on the whole "car incident". Likes to play WoW a lot. Sometimes TOO much. Helped me level to 60 though. We always talk about working out again, but as of yet haven't been able to motivate myself to go.
Jaime Nadolny:
A girl that started working across from me last year. At first, Kim wanted to break up with me thinking that I would rather go out with her instead. She was pretty attractive and I couldn't help but check her out from time to time. Over the past year though I've come to think of her as just a friend/co-worker. She complains a lot about work and stuff. Sometimes it can be a little excessive. But she is cool and has tried to help/give advise on my ex woes. She has a boyfriend now and maybe deep down inside I am a little attracted to her. It won't go anywhere though.
Carmen Shelby:
My supervisor. She interviewed me when I started working at The Core. She's talks REALLY loud and is sometimes over-enthusiastic about things. Is pretty demanding and wants things done now, now, now! Some people are pissed off at the way she "pesters" them. I've never had any trouble with it. You just do what she asks and keep her up to date on your work and she's happy with it. She hired me after working temp for 2-3 months. Said I was a hard worker and didn't slack. Promoted me after I graduated ITT and has given me two raises since. Sometimes I find her midly attractive and even find myself checking her out sometimes. Wow, if anyone knew that they would probably think I was crazy. I've had a few intense dreams about her. Hmm...
Dan Kunkle:
Main programmer at The Core. Didn't talk much to him at all when I first started working there. Talked more after I "proved" myself and even more after I was promoted to System Administrator. Was kind of a grumpy and angry guy as we got more busy and seemed upset a lot until Chuck was hired. Has mellowed some and went golfing with him a few times. He's pretty cool now. Has asked if I was interested in fixing his wife's server for her business. Have yet to get back to him about that, but could definately use the money.
Brent Benfield:
Met him as a freshman in high school. Became friends and have stayed in contact ever since we graduated. We hang out and go to clubs sometimes and it's good to have him as a friend. He was on MTV's Next. I met the girl he chose and she was ok. He recently said that he has moved back home. I am looking forward to hanging out with him.
Audra Torvet:
Met her when I started working dayshift at Target. She always flirted with me and gave me advise on my relationship with Andrea. I was attracted to her, but held firm when I went down there to visit her one weekend. She was trying to seduce me and it worked to a point. I managed to resist her until the last 15 minutes when she started to give me a BJ while driving her back home. We have been in contact on and off since we stopped working there. She has stated on numerous occasions that she wanted to have sex. I gave excuses, some real, some lies. Last time we talked she was drunk and told me that her boyfriend got mad at her for talking to me.
Wojo Czarnieki:
Met him at The Core. Part of the "original 6" as I like to call it. Those included are myself, Matt, Alan, Bob Lopatka, and Mike Kamp. Likes to work out a lot. You could say obsessed. But he prides himself in his health and appearence. Has stated that he has been with a lot of girls. Always gives advise on health, girls, work, etc. Most of the time it's reasonable advise, but I might not always follow it. He has also tried helping me through my ex problems.
Katie Jaskierny:
Met her when she got hired to work at The Core. Didn't really talk or get to know her that well at first. Have talked to her more now. She has a boyfriend, works out, and smokes. She seems like a cool girl. Chuck stated that he was attracted to her, until he found out she had a long term boyfriend. She's not bad looking. If she didn't have a boyfriend and I was in better shape, I would probably try asking her out. She works in production with Kim and is a good worker.
Chris George:
My instructor at Superior. Wow, can you say a good guy or what. He's probably the best instructor you have ever met. I've seen is nice side and his military strict side. And I have to respect both. He is very determined in getting the class to succeed and goes the extra mile to help. But expects us to work in return. I talked to him about the ex when I told him I might drop the class because of it. He convinced me to stay and I am glad he did. I am proud to say that I am honored to be his student.
Kim Thorpe:
I should probably mention how I met Kim. I first met her at The Core and was not attracted to her until later on. I got the impression that she worked hard, was educated, and had a boyfriend. After a few months I began to find her attractive and started working out religously with the attempt to gather enough confidence to ask her out. Not long after she broke up with her boyfriend, I asked. She accepted and the first two months were bliss for me. Later on, after the whole accident with my groin and ED incident, she started seeing me as only a friend. Soon more problems developed. She started seeing her ex again, then we broke up. That's the short version. Maybe I'll go into more depth one day.
Well, that's about it for now. I'm still at work and need to go back, grab my internet equipment and drive back to the apartment.
Alan Harper:
I met him when I started working at the Core. He seemed like a cool guy right off the bat. Developed a friendship with him not too long after I started working there. He was the first person I talked to about liking Kim. He sort of warned me about going out with her. He has tons of friends and goes out to clubs a lot. I went out with him for the first time around December 2006 and got completely hammered. I had a blast though. Have seen him a couple other times and it was fun. Though nothing can top the first time.
Matt Kamp:
Actually met him through his brother Mike at ITT. After Mike got me the job at The Core, I worked with him. Took me out to lunch on the first day. Developed a friendship with him and have been friends ever since. Hung out after work a bunch of times. I got angry with him once after my initial breakup with Kim, but apologized and got over it. Doesn't like to go out a lot though. Has been hanging out with a neighbor of his. A girl named Jackie. She seems pretty cool.
Marcin Sarna:
Met him at The Core. Wojo got him a job there. Didn't really talk to him much when he first started working there. Don't remember when I really started to be friendly with him. But eventually did. We went out to lunch a few times. Has a girlfriend and likes to party a lot. Not a really heavy drinker. Have only seen him at a club once. This past weekend. He's tried to help me through my times with Kim. He's a good guy.
Reggie Taylor:
Known him for years. We used to play basketball a lot when we were younger. Didn't talk for a long while after I started going out with Kim. He got me the job at RR Donnelly. I hate to say it, but he is kind of a flake. After introducing to Kim, she went on to insult him and myself for being friends with him. Some bullshit like "it tells a lot about a person depending on who they hang out with". I admit he did flake on the whole "car incident". Likes to play WoW a lot. Sometimes TOO much. Helped me level to 60 though. We always talk about working out again, but as of yet haven't been able to motivate myself to go.
Jaime Nadolny:
A girl that started working across from me last year. At first, Kim wanted to break up with me thinking that I would rather go out with her instead. She was pretty attractive and I couldn't help but check her out from time to time. Over the past year though I've come to think of her as just a friend/co-worker. She complains a lot about work and stuff. Sometimes it can be a little excessive. But she is cool and has tried to help/give advise on my ex woes. She has a boyfriend now and maybe deep down inside I am a little attracted to her. It won't go anywhere though.
Carmen Shelby:
My supervisor. She interviewed me when I started working at The Core. She's talks REALLY loud and is sometimes over-enthusiastic about things. Is pretty demanding and wants things done now, now, now! Some people are pissed off at the way she "pesters" them. I've never had any trouble with it. You just do what she asks and keep her up to date on your work and she's happy with it. She hired me after working temp for 2-3 months. Said I was a hard worker and didn't slack. Promoted me after I graduated ITT and has given me two raises since. Sometimes I find her midly attractive and even find myself checking her out sometimes. Wow, if anyone knew that they would probably think I was crazy. I've had a few intense dreams about her. Hmm...
Dan Kunkle:
Main programmer at The Core. Didn't talk much to him at all when I first started working there. Talked more after I "proved" myself and even more after I was promoted to System Administrator. Was kind of a grumpy and angry guy as we got more busy and seemed upset a lot until Chuck was hired. Has mellowed some and went golfing with him a few times. He's pretty cool now. Has asked if I was interested in fixing his wife's server for her business. Have yet to get back to him about that, but could definately use the money.
Brent Benfield:
Met him as a freshman in high school. Became friends and have stayed in contact ever since we graduated. We hang out and go to clubs sometimes and it's good to have him as a friend. He was on MTV's Next. I met the girl he chose and she was ok. He recently said that he has moved back home. I am looking forward to hanging out with him.
Audra Torvet:
Met her when I started working dayshift at Target. She always flirted with me and gave me advise on my relationship with Andrea. I was attracted to her, but held firm when I went down there to visit her one weekend. She was trying to seduce me and it worked to a point. I managed to resist her until the last 15 minutes when she started to give me a BJ while driving her back home. We have been in contact on and off since we stopped working there. She has stated on numerous occasions that she wanted to have sex. I gave excuses, some real, some lies. Last time we talked she was drunk and told me that her boyfriend got mad at her for talking to me.
Wojo Czarnieki:
Met him at The Core. Part of the "original 6" as I like to call it. Those included are myself, Matt, Alan, Bob Lopatka, and Mike Kamp. Likes to work out a lot. You could say obsessed. But he prides himself in his health and appearence. Has stated that he has been with a lot of girls. Always gives advise on health, girls, work, etc. Most of the time it's reasonable advise, but I might not always follow it. He has also tried helping me through my ex problems.
Katie Jaskierny:
Met her when she got hired to work at The Core. Didn't really talk or get to know her that well at first. Have talked to her more now. She has a boyfriend, works out, and smokes. She seems like a cool girl. Chuck stated that he was attracted to her, until he found out she had a long term boyfriend. She's not bad looking. If she didn't have a boyfriend and I was in better shape, I would probably try asking her out. She works in production with Kim and is a good worker.
Chris George:
My instructor at Superior. Wow, can you say a good guy or what. He's probably the best instructor you have ever met. I've seen is nice side and his military strict side. And I have to respect both. He is very determined in getting the class to succeed and goes the extra mile to help. But expects us to work in return. I talked to him about the ex when I told him I might drop the class because of it. He convinced me to stay and I am glad he did. I am proud to say that I am honored to be his student.
Kim Thorpe:
I should probably mention how I met Kim. I first met her at The Core and was not attracted to her until later on. I got the impression that she worked hard, was educated, and had a boyfriend. After a few months I began to find her attractive and started working out religously with the attempt to gather enough confidence to ask her out. Not long after she broke up with her boyfriend, I asked. She accepted and the first two months were bliss for me. Later on, after the whole accident with my groin and ED incident, she started seeing me as only a friend. Soon more problems developed. She started seeing her ex again, then we broke up. That's the short version. Maybe I'll go into more depth one day.
Well, that's about it for now. I'm still at work and need to go back, grab my internet equipment and drive back to the apartment.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Nothing new.
Studying at work again for class tonight. Studied a little bit last night for the first time in a while and it helped a little. I'm feeling a little better now that I'm staying with Kim again. I'm not 100%, I still would wish for something a little bit more. I often wonder if she is still talking and/or seeing her ex. I'm sure she is. I don't know what her intentions are for that and if she is sleeping with him or anything.
I've cut down on smoking considerably since I came back. One a day or half of one. Haven't been feeling to healthy lately. I need to start catching up on bills soon. Looking forward to class tonight with the hopes of getting out around 10pm. I have a dispatch clinical on Friday morning and that reminds me to tell Carmen about that.
Other than that, nothing is new.
I've cut down on smoking considerably since I came back. One a day or half of one. Haven't been feeling to healthy lately. I need to start catching up on bills soon. Looking forward to class tonight with the hopes of getting out around 10pm. I have a dispatch clinical on Friday morning and that reminds me to tell Carmen about that.
Other than that, nothing is new.
Monday, January 28, 2008
She left him... AGAIN.
Kim called me Saturday night confirming whether or not I still wanted to meet up with her on Sunday. She sounded distraught and I told her yeah. After an awesome time Saturday night at Mike's birthday party, I met up with her on Sunday and she told me what I already thought. That she left him again. So, like a giddy fool, I quickly agreed to come back and stay with her. My pain eased and I felt a little better.
There was part of me that was longing for that and I am glad she is back. But there is still part of me that is hesitant of the whole thing. I'm almost positive she is still talking to him and almost positive she is still in love with him. But then why did she move out? I still think she is confused about what she wants. He can't give her that, but she still clings onto him. I can give her more, but she doesn't want me and I still cling on to her.
Brent called me today to let me know that he has moved back home for a while. That's great news. More club time. I definately need to go out more. Alan is working here full time so that is more good news. Now if I can only get back to the gym and get into shape, everything will start turning out good.
Overall though, I feel better. I just need to worry about my own health and bills. I have lots of them that I need to start paying.
There was part of me that was longing for that and I am glad she is back. But there is still part of me that is hesitant of the whole thing. I'm almost positive she is still talking to him and almost positive she is still in love with him. But then why did she move out? I still think she is confused about what she wants. He can't give her that, but she still clings onto him. I can give her more, but she doesn't want me and I still cling on to her.
Brent called me today to let me know that he has moved back home for a while. That's great news. More club time. I definately need to go out more. Alan is working here full time so that is more good news. Now if I can only get back to the gym and get into shape, everything will start turning out good.
Overall though, I feel better. I just need to worry about my own health and bills. I have lots of them that I need to start paying.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Feeling sick.
Ate too much, smoked too much and now I'm not feeling good.
Class went well on Thursday. Better than I thought. Am going to meet with Kim possibly on Sunday. Still missing her, still thinking about her. Going out with Alan tomorrow night to Mike's birthday party. Hopefully will get pissed drunk and not remember anything.
Right now I'm not doing anything. Getting tired and might go to bed soon. Reggie is downstairs playing WoW. I find it boring and can't get into it. I'm a little depressed about not being with Kim still. I wonder how long this will go on for?
Sungard test went successful today. Went back to work to give Kim coffee and food, she left for a press ok before I got there. I was disappointed not to see her as I usually am. My abdomen is getting huge! God, why can't I stop eating and go to the gym? I'm so depressed!
Class went well on Thursday. Better than I thought. Am going to meet with Kim possibly on Sunday. Still missing her, still thinking about her. Going out with Alan tomorrow night to Mike's birthday party. Hopefully will get pissed drunk and not remember anything.
Right now I'm not doing anything. Getting tired and might go to bed soon. Reggie is downstairs playing WoW. I find it boring and can't get into it. I'm a little depressed about not being with Kim still. I wonder how long this will go on for?
Sungard test went successful today. Went back to work to give Kim coffee and food, she left for a press ok before I got there. I was disappointed not to see her as I usually am. My abdomen is getting huge! God, why can't I stop eating and go to the gym? I'm so depressed!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
God, I can't take it. I miss her, she talks to me everyday like nothing has happened. She has forgot about me. She wants to talk to me this weekend about school and stuff. I'm going to tell her that I love her, but to never talk to me again. She is having sex with him every night. She is going to have his baby. She is moving out for good. I have lost her forever. She has forgotten about me. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't love me! She loves her ex, cuddles with him, watches TV, watches movies, reads, eats, has sex, he buys her new clothes.
She has forgotten about me! She doesn't love me! I have a huge test and practical in an hour! I'm so nervous. I'm going to pass out. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. The pain is too much. Please god, help me PLEASE! I am begging you I can't take this pain anymore. I love her so much, WHY CAN'T SHE COME BACK TO ME.
FUCK YOU GOD! YOU INTRODUCE ME TO A GIRL THAT HAS TREATED ME LIKE SHIT AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. WHY? WHY THE HELL HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME? I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING HORRIBLE TO ANYONE ELSE AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE WHY CAN'T I MEET A GOOD GIRL? WHY DID I FUCKING GET OUT OF SHAPE AGAIN, BUT HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GO BACK TO THE GYM? THAT'S IT. I'M ENDING IT SOON. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has forgotten about me! She doesn't love me! I have a huge test and practical in an hour! I'm so nervous. I'm going to pass out. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. The pain is too much. Please god, help me PLEASE! I am begging you I can't take this pain anymore. I love her so much, WHY CAN'T SHE COME BACK TO ME.
FUCK YOU GOD! YOU INTRODUCE ME TO A GIRL THAT HAS TREATED ME LIKE SHIT AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. WHY? WHY THE HELL HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME? I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING HORRIBLE TO ANYONE ELSE AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE WHY CAN'T I MEET A GOOD GIRL? WHY DID I FUCKING GET OUT OF SHAPE AGAIN, BUT HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GO BACK TO THE GYM? THAT'S IT. I'M ENDING IT SOON. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 21, 2008
I'm so depressed!
God, I feel horrible today. I miss her so much. It's alot like what I said last time. If I block her out of my head for a day, she comes back into my head like a vengeance. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I'm so sad and I want to talk or call her, but I have to stay strong. No contact on my part. Or at least low contact since we work in the same office. I brought her coffee this morning. No reply or thank you. Just nothing. In a way, sometimes I wish she would call me so I could hear her voice. I miss her.
I smoked 3 cigarettes so far today. Every time I hear the word cancer I cringe. I have a feeling that I am going down the wrong path here ever since I started smoking. But I get so depressed sometimes it's like I don't even care. I don't think I'll ever get over this. The rejection, all the memories of being with her... everyhing. I haven't felt right since I left her. In a way I am sort of glad I said those horrible things. It made her less likely to call me and talk or hang out. All we would ever do anyway is argue. Sure it would be alright seeing her or talking to her, but I would start questioning about her boyfriend (notice I didn't say ex) and we would start arguing again.
I just want to go home and get away from her. I wish I could move on faster. But it is taking a lot longer than I thought. Seeing her walk around the office in new clothes that he probably bought for her. I'm so sad now it's hard for me to not cry here at work. Hopefully, when I get home I'll feel a little better. I don't know anymore.
She called me yesterday. I don't know why. I called her back later and asked her if she wanted coffee. Oh man. This isn't good at all. Thinking like this is only going to make things work. As soon as I get out of work tonight I'm going to force her out of my head again. Think of things that will keep me busy. Writing my thoughts down helps. I should probably back up my blog here in case something happens.
I need to study tonight. At least do one chapter and start writing down symptoms on my little note pad. I haven't talked to Dan about his wife's business. He asked last week about switching out her server before I got into my car accident. I'm a little nervous about it. But I could use the money. I need to pay bills.
I wish Audra would call. It would be cool to talk to her. Get my mind off of Kim. I miss playing Uno online with her at night. It's too bad her boyfriend yelled at her about me. I wish I could just meet a cool girl somewhere and get my mind off of Kim. I always say that I need to go to the gym. But I am so depressed and I have no motivation to go. I just want to go home and sulk or sleep. I've been eating a lot more too. I'm going to stop that. No more food for the rest of the night except maybe celery or carrots.
Well, another 30 minutes or so till work is done. Traffic looks horrible today and I am not looking forward to driving home in it. But I want to get out of here soon. I just tried calling Reggie. No answer.
God, I'm so depressed.
I smoked 3 cigarettes so far today. Every time I hear the word cancer I cringe. I have a feeling that I am going down the wrong path here ever since I started smoking. But I get so depressed sometimes it's like I don't even care. I don't think I'll ever get over this. The rejection, all the memories of being with her... everyhing. I haven't felt right since I left her. In a way I am sort of glad I said those horrible things. It made her less likely to call me and talk or hang out. All we would ever do anyway is argue. Sure it would be alright seeing her or talking to her, but I would start questioning about her boyfriend (notice I didn't say ex) and we would start arguing again.
I just want to go home and get away from her. I wish I could move on faster. But it is taking a lot longer than I thought. Seeing her walk around the office in new clothes that he probably bought for her. I'm so sad now it's hard for me to not cry here at work. Hopefully, when I get home I'll feel a little better. I don't know anymore.
She called me yesterday. I don't know why. I called her back later and asked her if she wanted coffee. Oh man. This isn't good at all. Thinking like this is only going to make things work. As soon as I get out of work tonight I'm going to force her out of my head again. Think of things that will keep me busy. Writing my thoughts down helps. I should probably back up my blog here in case something happens.
I need to study tonight. At least do one chapter and start writing down symptoms on my little note pad. I haven't talked to Dan about his wife's business. He asked last week about switching out her server before I got into my car accident. I'm a little nervous about it. But I could use the money. I need to pay bills.
I wish Audra would call. It would be cool to talk to her. Get my mind off of Kim. I miss playing Uno online with her at night. It's too bad her boyfriend yelled at her about me. I wish I could just meet a cool girl somewhere and get my mind off of Kim. I always say that I need to go to the gym. But I am so depressed and I have no motivation to go. I just want to go home and sulk or sleep. I've been eating a lot more too. I'm going to stop that. No more food for the rest of the night except maybe celery or carrots.
Well, another 30 minutes or so till work is done. Traffic looks horrible today and I am not looking forward to driving home in it. But I want to get out of here soon. I just tried calling Reggie. No answer.
God, I'm so depressed.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Thinking about her again.
I find myself thinking about Kim again. How I miss seeing her and hanging out with her. Yesterday I managed to block her out of my head for most of the day. But usually like when someone stops eating and then they binge, thoughts of her rush into my head and it's twice as hard to force them out. So, in the hopes of keeping her out I am going to post 20 cons about her.
1 - She never knew what she wanted.
2 - She had low self esteem.
3 - She still loved her ex after he treated her like shit.
4 - She never appreciated me being there for her.
5 - She used me to get back at her ex.
6 - She wasn't considerate of my wants, despite what she might think.
7 - She thought she was right about everything.
8 - She NEVER apologized for anything SHE caused.
9 - She kicked me out without even telling her other ex I lived there.
10 - She kicked me out so her current ex could move back in.
11 - She didn't want someone to be equal in a relationship. She wants a puppy.
12 - She doesn't know what she wants in a relationship.
13 - She cancelled any plans I made to go out with her on holidays to work. HER CHOICE.
14 - I was her rebound.
15 - She was using me as a backup in case going back to him fails.
16 - She is naive.
17 - She is a LIAR.
18 - She thinks she knows everything about the world because she reads it in a book.
19 - She is selfish.
20 - She never loved me. (Get that thought out of your head right now. She wasn't hinting at ANYTHING. Nothing nice or kind that you did would not sway her from feeling that you were better than him. She said she was HAPPIER with him. Fuck that! You were everything he wasn't and was better to her in the begining than anything else. Stop thinking that blowing up on her broke the rift anymore. It was already seperated and she had made her choice already. You are better than that. She is a inconsiderate bitch and you don't need her. She doesn't DESERVE to be YOUR friend!)
I've thought about her enough today. Now that I am done thinking about her I am going to block her out of my thoughts. I will go see Cloverfield again, maybe get something to eat, study, workout, play some WoW, then go to bed.
1 - She never knew what she wanted.
2 - She had low self esteem.
3 - She still loved her ex after he treated her like shit.
4 - She never appreciated me being there for her.
5 - She used me to get back at her ex.
6 - She wasn't considerate of my wants, despite what she might think.
7 - She thought she was right about everything.
8 - She NEVER apologized for anything SHE caused.
9 - She kicked me out without even telling her other ex I lived there.
10 - She kicked me out so her current ex could move back in.
11 - She didn't want someone to be equal in a relationship. She wants a puppy.
12 - She doesn't know what she wants in a relationship.
13 - She cancelled any plans I made to go out with her on holidays to work. HER CHOICE.
14 - I was her rebound.
15 - She was using me as a backup in case going back to him fails.
16 - She is naive.
17 - She is a LIAR.
18 - She thinks she knows everything about the world because she reads it in a book.
19 - She is selfish.
20 - She never loved me. (Get that thought out of your head right now. She wasn't hinting at ANYTHING. Nothing nice or kind that you did would not sway her from feeling that you were better than him. She said she was HAPPIER with him. Fuck that! You were everything he wasn't and was better to her in the begining than anything else. Stop thinking that blowing up on her broke the rift anymore. It was already seperated and she had made her choice already. You are better than that. She is a inconsiderate bitch and you don't need her. She doesn't DESERVE to be YOUR friend!)
I've thought about her enough today. Now that I am done thinking about her I am going to block her out of my thoughts. I will go see Cloverfield again, maybe get something to eat, study, workout, play some WoW, then go to bed.
In the nick of time....
Audra called tonight. Just at a time when I started feeling really shitty about the whole Kim situation. I had been thinking alot about her recently and then unexpectedly she calls around 11:30 last night. It was good to hear from her and she apologized for not calling earlier. Apparently, she got into a fight with her boyfriend about talking to me and hasn't been able to call in a while.
The more I think about it, the more I have started to realize that with all these girls I am always the one they come to after fights with their boyfriends. In the case of Kim, she used me till she was done being upset at him and ran back. With Audra, there are similarities, but something is a little different. I don't think I could be in a relationship with her. First of all, she has two kids, and second I just don't think it would work. She does look attractive still and works out alot so she has a nice body. I think we could have fun together, but probably nothing more then FWB.
It does feel good that she called though. I was feeling a little depressed about things lately and it was good to talk to her. I do hope she calls more. I need to definately get in shape some more before I see her.
The more I think about it, the more I have started to realize that with all these girls I am always the one they come to after fights with their boyfriends. In the case of Kim, she used me till she was done being upset at him and ran back. With Audra, there are similarities, but something is a little different. I don't think I could be in a relationship with her. First of all, she has two kids, and second I just don't think it would work. She does look attractive still and works out alot so she has a nice body. I think we could have fun together, but probably nothing more then FWB.
It does feel good that she called though. I was feeling a little depressed about things lately and it was good to talk to her. I do hope she calls more. I need to definately get in shape some more before I see her.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Uneventful ending.
I went over to Kim's and picked up my stuff. We didn't say a word to each other. She just put my stuff on the stairs and ran off before I could see her. I'm upset, sad, angry and depressed. That's all I am going to write about her tonight.
On the other hand. I saw Cloverfield. Good movie and I enjoyed it alot. I will probably see it again. Downloading it will be futile since it's so dark and every cam will suck ass. The end was a little sad, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. I'm trying to keep busy this weekend. Well, I think I'm done.
On the other hand. I saw Cloverfield. Good movie and I enjoyed it alot. I will probably see it again. Downloading it will be futile since it's so dark and every cam will suck ass. The end was a little sad, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. I'm trying to keep busy this weekend. Well, I think I'm done.
Getting ready for bed.
Well, Wednesday night I got into my first car accident. I got hit from behind on Ogden road. My head snappened back and I still feel sore in the back of my neck. My back bumper got dented and smashed in pretty good. But luckily everything is going to be paid for by insurance. When I got home last night I was feeling pretty shitty. Both physically and emotionally.
On the physical side, my neck ached. On the emotional side, I started missing Kim. Some days are better than others and yesterday sucked. Tonight I kind of miss her. But I'm optimistic about the future and hopefully I'll get over this quicker.
It was nice to hear from my friends from work today asking how I was doing. It feels comforting to know that my friends care for me. Kim didn't call at all. And I thought that she didn't give a shit. But she did call at around 5:30pm after work.
There's this girl in my EMT-B class that is pretty hot. She's asian too. I haven't spoke much to her, but I wish I could get to know her a little better. It's too bad that she is constantly surrounded by guys all the time. That and I am a bit nervous everytime she talks to me. She knows my name and has greeted me on occasion. I wish I wasn't so shy and quiet. We still got about two months till we graduate so I am hoping to get to know her a little better before we graduate. I need to lose a little more weight too.
I'm watching Michael Clayton on my laptop right now as I write this. What a good movie. George Clooney is a good actor and I loved the ending to this. I can't wait till Cloverfield comes out tomorrow. I think I'll go watch it tomorrow night.
Oh, I forgot about Jaime's sister's birthday party. I don't really want to go, but Jaime wants me to. I wouldn't mind going out there, but I just want to hang out tomorrow. Lately, I've been thinking about her in a different way. Ever since Kim went back to that dipshit, all bets are off concerning how good of a character she is. At first I agreed with what Kim would say about her, but now I could give a rats ass.
She's got a nice body and I would go out with her if she didn't have a boyfriend. Doesn't look like Reggie is coming down. When I got home he called and wanted to know if I would come back up to pick him up. I didn't feel like it since I was home and he said he would be down. I didn't think he would. If there's one thing about Reggie it's that he flakes out... A LOT. That's why it is so hard to count on him.
I've got to drive out to Fox Valley and get my car looked at by Allstate. Then I'll go in to work. My neck and back feel a little weird right now and I am getting tired. I think I'll get ready for bed, watch a little more of this movie, maybe even re-watch some parts of Rounders. Which is another great movie, then go to bed.
On the physical side, my neck ached. On the emotional side, I started missing Kim. Some days are better than others and yesterday sucked. Tonight I kind of miss her. But I'm optimistic about the future and hopefully I'll get over this quicker.
It was nice to hear from my friends from work today asking how I was doing. It feels comforting to know that my friends care for me. Kim didn't call at all. And I thought that she didn't give a shit. But she did call at around 5:30pm after work.
There's this girl in my EMT-B class that is pretty hot. She's asian too. I haven't spoke much to her, but I wish I could get to know her a little better. It's too bad that she is constantly surrounded by guys all the time. That and I am a bit nervous everytime she talks to me. She knows my name and has greeted me on occasion. I wish I wasn't so shy and quiet. We still got about two months till we graduate so I am hoping to get to know her a little better before we graduate. I need to lose a little more weight too.
I'm watching Michael Clayton on my laptop right now as I write this. What a good movie. George Clooney is a good actor and I loved the ending to this. I can't wait till Cloverfield comes out tomorrow. I think I'll go watch it tomorrow night.
Oh, I forgot about Jaime's sister's birthday party. I don't really want to go, but Jaime wants me to. I wouldn't mind going out there, but I just want to hang out tomorrow. Lately, I've been thinking about her in a different way. Ever since Kim went back to that dipshit, all bets are off concerning how good of a character she is. At first I agreed with what Kim would say about her, but now I could give a rats ass.
She's got a nice body and I would go out with her if she didn't have a boyfriend. Doesn't look like Reggie is coming down. When I got home he called and wanted to know if I would come back up to pick him up. I didn't feel like it since I was home and he said he would be down. I didn't think he would. If there's one thing about Reggie it's that he flakes out... A LOT. That's why it is so hard to count on him.
I've got to drive out to Fox Valley and get my car looked at by Allstate. Then I'll go in to work. My neck and back feel a little weird right now and I am getting tired. I think I'll get ready for bed, watch a little more of this movie, maybe even re-watch some parts of Rounders. Which is another great movie, then go to bed.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Studying at work... again.
Well, procrastination is always the case it seems. I always wait till the last minute to do something. I had another chat with my instructor after I took the midterm yesterday and he said he was impressed by me and saw a lot of potential. I don't know. I just don't see it. Maybe it's because no one has ever said that to me before outside of my family. I'll have to wait and see. He even mentioned me coming back as an instructor. Now I definately do not see that! But it was a nice suggestion.
I still need to go over chapter 22 environmental emergencies. Which is about another 23 pages, plus homework. Last night I was playing World of Warcraft with Reggie and some other friends online. I have to admit, it felt good to be with my friends. Though I really didn't do anything for myself in the game. In regards to leveling up to 60. I did help Reggio and his brother Mario as well as some guy named Chris on some missions. I haven't worked out in almost two weeks now though and I need to get back in to that.
Kim called again last night. I never got a chance to go over there since she supposedly had her phone on silence (yeah right). And didn't get back to me till after I had passed by her place. I told her another time, but then she called back later that night to tell me what was on TV again.
I still have mixed feelings towards what I want to do with that whole mess. I am still upset and going over there, while part of me would want to stay, part of me wants to be done with it. She has chosen (for now at least) that she wants to go back to her ex. I guess everytime I think about that I get upset. Maybe I should use that to stop myself from going over there and being so friendly. At least she dropped my student ID off this morning at work.
Well, I should get back to studying for tonight. Chris said that there was going to be a sort of Jeopardy game tonight. Now that I have made myself known to him, I have this feeling that he is going to pick on me. I hope not. Other people need to learn too.
I still need to go over chapter 22 environmental emergencies. Which is about another 23 pages, plus homework. Last night I was playing World of Warcraft with Reggie and some other friends online. I have to admit, it felt good to be with my friends. Though I really didn't do anything for myself in the game. In regards to leveling up to 60. I did help Reggio and his brother Mario as well as some guy named Chris on some missions. I haven't worked out in almost two weeks now though and I need to get back in to that.
Kim called again last night. I never got a chance to go over there since she supposedly had her phone on silence (yeah right). And didn't get back to me till after I had passed by her place. I told her another time, but then she called back later that night to tell me what was on TV again.
I still have mixed feelings towards what I want to do with that whole mess. I am still upset and going over there, while part of me would want to stay, part of me wants to be done with it. She has chosen (for now at least) that she wants to go back to her ex. I guess everytime I think about that I get upset. Maybe I should use that to stop myself from going over there and being so friendly. At least she dropped my student ID off this morning at work.
Well, I should get back to studying for tonight. Chris said that there was going to be a sort of Jeopardy game tonight. Now that I have made myself known to him, I have this feeling that he is going to pick on me. I hope not. Other people need to learn too.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Funny how things change... or stay the same.
Not even 24 hours after I made my last post she calls me...
She wants an apology.
Yeah, I feel bad for what I did, but the way she explains things it is entirely my fault. Uh, no. Sorry. Not ENTIRELY my fault. Sure I'll take some of the blame. I did lose my temper and aside from physically striking her (which at one point I came seriously close to doing. Thank god I had restraint) I verbally abused the hell out of her. Honestly though, I don't take anything back. Sure I'm sorry, but I do not feel that I am wrong in this.
So I give her an apology and tell her that she should never forgive me, should never speak to me again. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and she tells me that she wants to know if I want my stuff back, but she wants me to come over and get it. We talk and argue some more. She wants a more "meaningful" apology. I give her a half assed one. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and she says she is going to just toss my stuff. I tell her that I will give her shirt back, but she doesn't want it. I tell her that she can do whatever she feels like doing, but I'm still giving her shirt back. Some more arguing ensues. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and we start talking and things calm down a bit. She wants me to come over and get my stuff. She still doesn't give a shit about the shirt. We start to sound more civil. We say bye and hang up.
She calls back.
She tells me she is watching TV and One Tree Hill is on. I turn it on and watch the episode. I tell her I'm at my friends house and she says she will let me go since I'm busy. I tell her it's ok. We talk for a second, then she says she will call me after the show.
I call her after the show.
I ask what she is doing, that I am studying. She is watching Fresh Prince. She asks why I called. (...ok?) I tell her that I thought she wanted me to call her after the show. We talk about something (don't remember) there's a moment of silence, then I say I'll let her go.
She calls back.
She tells me Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets is on. She tells me to watch it. I do and call her back after the movie. I tell her I like it and she agrees that it was a good movie. She says she's in bed and I tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
So today I don't know what's going to happen. She tells me she doesn't want to talk to me at all at/outside of work. Yeah, that's what I said in the begining. Yet she calls me nonstop. I don't know what the hell is going on through that girls head. She is so damn confused on what she wants. Why did she not just go over to his place. Saying she is sick is an excuse so there is something else there.
I get the feeling that she still wants me in her life somewhere. But I am probably fucking wrong and today will be the last time we speak. If at all. As of right now she hasn't come to work. So I don't know if she is on a press ok or what.
*BIG SIGH*
We'll see what happens.
She wants an apology.
Yeah, I feel bad for what I did, but the way she explains things it is entirely my fault. Uh, no. Sorry. Not ENTIRELY my fault. Sure I'll take some of the blame. I did lose my temper and aside from physically striking her (which at one point I came seriously close to doing. Thank god I had restraint) I verbally abused the hell out of her. Honestly though, I don't take anything back. Sure I'm sorry, but I do not feel that I am wrong in this.
So I give her an apology and tell her that she should never forgive me, should never speak to me again. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and she tells me that she wants to know if I want my stuff back, but she wants me to come over and get it. We talk and argue some more. She wants a more "meaningful" apology. I give her a half assed one. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and she says she is going to just toss my stuff. I tell her that I will give her shirt back, but she doesn't want it. I tell her that she can do whatever she feels like doing, but I'm still giving her shirt back. Some more arguing ensues. She hangs up.
She calls back.
I answer and we start talking and things calm down a bit. She wants me to come over and get my stuff. She still doesn't give a shit about the shirt. We start to sound more civil. We say bye and hang up.
She calls back.
She tells me she is watching TV and One Tree Hill is on. I turn it on and watch the episode. I tell her I'm at my friends house and she says she will let me go since I'm busy. I tell her it's ok. We talk for a second, then she says she will call me after the show.
I call her after the show.
I ask what she is doing, that I am studying. She is watching Fresh Prince. She asks why I called. (...ok?) I tell her that I thought she wanted me to call her after the show. We talk about something (don't remember) there's a moment of silence, then I say I'll let her go.
She calls back.
She tells me Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets is on. She tells me to watch it. I do and call her back after the movie. I tell her I like it and she agrees that it was a good movie. She says she's in bed and I tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
So today I don't know what's going to happen. She tells me she doesn't want to talk to me at all at/outside of work. Yeah, that's what I said in the begining. Yet she calls me nonstop. I don't know what the hell is going on through that girls head. She is so damn confused on what she wants. Why did she not just go over to his place. Saying she is sick is an excuse so there is something else there.
I get the feeling that she still wants me in her life somewhere. But I am probably fucking wrong and today will be the last time we speak. If at all. As of right now she hasn't come to work. So I don't know if she is on a press ok or what.
*BIG SIGH*
We'll see what happens.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
It is officially over now between us.
Yesterday I made it official. After finding out that she is going back to him (again), that she's more happy with him, I flipped out. I got so angry that I yelled at her and lost my temper. I called her every name in the book. Whore, slut, bitch, etc. I told her never to call or talk to me ever again.
Of course she called me back again then hung up saying he was better than me. Whatever, how typical of her to say that then ignore her calls.
Do I think I could have handled it a little better? Possibly, but all of this has just built up over time that I just exploded. Part of me misses her, but I'm sure I'll get over it. She was not happy with me. I did not want to just be her friend. There are plenty of other girls out there, I just have to work for it now.
So long bitch. It's been hell over the past year. I'm glad you are out of my life.
Of course she called me back again then hung up saying he was better than me. Whatever, how typical of her to say that then ignore her calls.
Do I think I could have handled it a little better? Possibly, but all of this has just built up over time that I just exploded. Part of me misses her, but I'm sure I'll get over it. She was not happy with me. I did not want to just be her friend. There are plenty of other girls out there, I just have to work for it now.
So long bitch. It's been hell over the past year. I'm glad you are out of my life.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I'm an idiot.
Kim isn't feeling to good today and left work early to go home sick. I told her I would buy her medicine and soup and she responds by saying, "Why?" To help you feel better, dumbass! Then she says something like she can leave the apartment if I am afraid of getting sick. Did brain cells just die in her head due to this sickness? What the hell good is saying that to me after everything we went through to get her BACK and away from him? It's coming to a point here where she needs to fucking decide what she wants to do. I already know ithe answer. She's going back to him.
It's innevitable. I'm only in denial to think otherwise. I am a complete fucking idiot to stay friends with her. I know everything is wrong here, but I must be a masochist because I just can't leave. I found an interesting post in a relationship forum that I visit often. A lot of what it says is good advice.
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
Then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you . LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you U have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past....LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and but you want to 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. It's time to do a new thing for 2008!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left ...
I don't know what is in store for this weekend. But I have a sense of foreboding that it won't be good.
It's innevitable. I'm only in denial to think otherwise. I am a complete fucking idiot to stay friends with her. I know everything is wrong here, but I must be a masochist because I just can't leave. I found an interesting post in a relationship forum that I visit often. A lot of what it says is good advice.
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
Then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you . LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you U have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past....LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and but you want to 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. It's time to do a new thing for 2008!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left ...
I don't know what is in store for this weekend. But I have a sense of foreboding that it won't be good.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Another day.
Well, after my discussion with my instructor yesterday he helped convince me to stick with the class. Now I have a lot of catching up to do. It was a good talk and I'm glad I did it. It also feels good that Kim is back. But she said something this morning that brought all those negative feelings back. The ex wants her to move back in this weekend.
I wanted to light a cigarette so bad. I got that nervousness in my stomach and it shot my mood down. Now I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought she was done with him, but she still doesn't know what to do. I don't understand why she won't just let go. Maybe for the same reasons why I won't let her go. I miss her and she misses him. But at least she doesn't try to control everything I do. He's not understanding at all to what she wants and it's only after she leaves that he "let's" her have her way.
Well, she's an idiot if she goes back to him. I just hope she decides not to. If she does again, I know it will be one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I am going to have to let her go. The pain of it is so hard. I don't know what I could do. Tell her I love her still, but that I respect her decision. Maybe do what he never could. Let her go. I'm not saying that she will come back, but maybe something good will come of it.
When all is said though, I hope it never comes to that. Talking and seeing him, while I don't like it is one thing. Dating and going back to him is another.
I feel like shit and don't want to go to class. But Chris was right. There is life after the relationship and while it ended long ago. I need to move on and do things for myself rather then do things for other people.
I wanted to light a cigarette so bad. I got that nervousness in my stomach and it shot my mood down. Now I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought she was done with him, but she still doesn't know what to do. I don't understand why she won't just let go. Maybe for the same reasons why I won't let her go. I miss her and she misses him. But at least she doesn't try to control everything I do. He's not understanding at all to what she wants and it's only after she leaves that he "let's" her have her way.
Well, she's an idiot if she goes back to him. I just hope she decides not to. If she does again, I know it will be one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I am going to have to let her go. The pain of it is so hard. I don't know what I could do. Tell her I love her still, but that I respect her decision. Maybe do what he never could. Let her go. I'm not saying that she will come back, but maybe something good will come of it.
When all is said though, I hope it never comes to that. Talking and seeing him, while I don't like it is one thing. Dating and going back to him is another.
I feel like shit and don't want to go to class. But Chris was right. There is life after the relationship and while it ended long ago. I need to move on and do things for myself rather then do things for other people.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Falling apart again.
More Kim drama.
It seems after she went back to her ex, he refused to let her keep her apartment so she left and came back. Last night she went over to get her stuff and was over there for about two hours after work. Then came home. I don't know if they had sex or not, but I think they might have. Picturing the act makes me sick. I still don't feel comfortable about the whole situation. I don't know where this is all leading to. I'm getting tired of feeling this way all the time.
I dropped out of my EMT-B class because of this. I just couldn't concentrate on homework and studying. After screwing up numerous times at work over simple things, I started freaking out about what would happen if I screwed up on a call and someone died because of my inept ability to get over my personal problems. I find that it's hard for me to leave. But I just don't want to screw up. I'm going to go meet with Chris George, my instructor, today and talk about my decision.
Everyday it's the same. Wondering what she is doing with him. Picturing them together. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I still love her. I still care for her. And I still want to be with her. Why can't I move on? If it was meant not to be then why haven't I found another girl yet? I just wish I could be with someone that would appreciate everything that I would do for her.
Last weekend I was crying over this in my car. Just flat out crying like a baby. The tears that came out felt good. I did it once more that day, but other than that... nothing.
It seems after she went back to her ex, he refused to let her keep her apartment so she left and came back. Last night she went over to get her stuff and was over there for about two hours after work. Then came home. I don't know if they had sex or not, but I think they might have. Picturing the act makes me sick. I still don't feel comfortable about the whole situation. I don't know where this is all leading to. I'm getting tired of feeling this way all the time.
I dropped out of my EMT-B class because of this. I just couldn't concentrate on homework and studying. After screwing up numerous times at work over simple things, I started freaking out about what would happen if I screwed up on a call and someone died because of my inept ability to get over my personal problems. I find that it's hard for me to leave. But I just don't want to screw up. I'm going to go meet with Chris George, my instructor, today and talk about my decision.
Everyday it's the same. Wondering what she is doing with him. Picturing them together. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I still love her. I still care for her. And I still want to be with her. Why can't I move on? If it was meant not to be then why haven't I found another girl yet? I just wish I could be with someone that would appreciate everything that I would do for her.
Last weekend I was crying over this in my car. Just flat out crying like a baby. The tears that came out felt good. I did it once more that day, but other than that... nothing.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Well, it's official. She went back to him.
She dropped the bomb on me over the past weekend and confirmed it New Years Eve. I was devestated. I have done everything I could to be a better man, but in the end it wasn't enough. She chose the lesser. A clingy, possessive old geezer. There must be something there that I don't have *cough* money *cough*. I said I would stay friends, but I don't know anymore. I am going to try and keep my distance. She wants to go out to eat, but I won't hold my breath. Hopefully, something will come up and we won't have to go. I just want to get away.
It's a new year and I'm ready to call it quits. I broke down yesterday. Twice. I made sure no one was around and just let the tears flow. I needed it. It felt good. So much emotion built up over this situation and I let it release. I'm sure there's more to come. I hate being back home. I just want to be alone sometimes. I can't really do anything when I leave except just try to go out and do stuff. I can't play games. That won't help. Working out does though and I guess I have that to look forward to. Losing weight and looking better. I need to stop smoking before it's too late.
I hope and pray to God that this works out in the end. That there's something else for me. I can only hope that he has a plan for me. As for what it could be, I have absolutely no clue. I keep thinking about hunting that asshole down and just killing him. Then she could NEVER go back to him. But I would be in jail and away from her forever. But would that be worth it? She would meet someone better than that fucker.
I know it's horrible to think that way, I need to get a girlfriend and then I won't even give a shit about her problems anymore.
It's a new year and I'm ready to call it quits. I broke down yesterday. Twice. I made sure no one was around and just let the tears flow. I needed it. It felt good. So much emotion built up over this situation and I let it release. I'm sure there's more to come. I hate being back home. I just want to be alone sometimes. I can't really do anything when I leave except just try to go out and do stuff. I can't play games. That won't help. Working out does though and I guess I have that to look forward to. Losing weight and looking better. I need to stop smoking before it's too late.
I hope and pray to God that this works out in the end. That there's something else for me. I can only hope that he has a plan for me. As for what it could be, I have absolutely no clue. I keep thinking about hunting that asshole down and just killing him. Then she could NEVER go back to him. But I would be in jail and away from her forever. But would that be worth it? She would meet someone better than that fucker.
I know it's horrible to think that way, I need to get a girlfriend and then I won't even give a shit about her problems anymore.
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