Moving on.

Work is changing and I am moving into a new office come tomorrow. It'll be a little sad leaving the window and despite what I have thought in the past, not having Jaime around will be kind of dull. It was always amusing to hear her complaints, even when they got annoying. She's kind of goofy sometimes and I find it nice to know her. We ran over budget on construction and now we have to cut our camera budget in half. It will be nice to have some cameras around, but everything else will be put aside. Door locks and proximity cards are good too.

I'm not feeling to hot right now. I don't know, just getting kind of down. Maybe I was expecting more about things lately and am becoming disappointed in their outcome. I don't know how to explain it. I'll know looking back at this how I feel. I don't know. I feel lonely sometimes. I know I have friends, but I just don't feel complete. Maybe I need a relationship. To feel needed for once. Looking back at the whole relationship with Kim I see that she was probably one of the worst girlfriends I have ever had. And in the end I turned into someone I am not. Even to this day she constantly reminds me, though not through words, of rejection by her.

I think I should be content in being alone. I don't need anyone. I just need to watch out for myself.

Everything is coming together, yet I'm still lost.

We're getting busier at work and class is almost over.  Soon I will have graduated and officially be an EMT-B.  We're starting to get more sophisticated equipment at work and I will more busier.  Well, I always say that when I'm not doing much it means that I am doing my job. I am getting the feeling from a lot of people at work that I don't do much of anything all day.  I am starting to get sick and tired of it.  That is one of the main reasons why I want to become an EMT-B.

Then there's Kim...

Yeah, I'm about to talk about her... AGAIN.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I have to beat her by getting into a relationship first.  I just won't be able to handle it if she starts going out with some other guy.  I am on my way out then.  If I am in a relationship before her then I won't give a shit.  She mentioned that they may be hiring another production assistant and I am praying to Jesus and God almighty that it is another girl.  That's all I need for it to be is an attractive guy to start working over there and for Kim to fall head over heals for him.  That's my next greatest fear next to her going back to her ex or getting pregnant by one or the other.I'm so fat and I am going to the gym tomorrow morning to get back into shape.  I keep saying that I want to start losing weight and getting back into shape as well as stop eating fast food.  Yet I always go out to get it. 

If the Kim factor were not in effect, I would be cool with where my life was heading.  But that constantly drags me back down.  I've asked and prayed to get over this and her, but I can't seem to get away.  Having her go out with someone else is NOT the way to get over her, especially when I work near her everyday.  So if it is in God's hands about how he plans to help me get over her, then that is NOT the way.  A new relationship or me moving far away is the only way I think right now.

I feel that I have been shunned by my friend Matt at work.  Lately, whenever I have wanted to go out to smoke with him he says no.  Then 5 minutes later I see him smoking with Brian and Katie.  In fact, no one wants to smoke with me except Marcin.  He's the only one that comes by and wants to smoke anymore.  I guess that's a good thing since I am trying to stop.  I'm starting to dislike almost everyone back there.  I think there is a lot of animosity going on among them.  Like they are jealous of me for getting where I am.  Alan might get some of that too since he is in sales now.  Oh well, fuck them.  Let them do their brainless work.

I guess I better get some sleep now before I go to the gym tomorrow.  Oh, I also deleted my Myspace page after Kim found comments that she thought were about her.  That's all for now.

Friday morning.

I haven't written anything really descriptive in a while.  I haven't been in the mood to write anything.  I feel that my life is starting to move forward a little.  In terms of my career and education.  Relationship-wise that is.  I don't know when I am going to get a chance to get back in the game again.  It was funny, last night Eric got burned when trying to ask Sai out.  Parrish said outloud that it was dead quiet after he tried to ask her out.

Monday.

Went to work early and met with the guy who might be installing our new surveillance system. There's so much more to it as well, including using VOIP and extra door security. The day flew by! I looked at the clock and it was already 2pm! Soon it was 4:30 and almost time to go. I better study tonight. Tomorrow is going to be busy and I won't have time to slack off. I don't think I will get a change to go to the gym tonight. Too much to work on. I smoked today. Once. With Katie and Marcin. I almost did again, but held off. I shouldn't keep doing it unless I run into Katie and she wants to go or something.

I need to focus on losing weight and getting into shape. I keep meaning to go by Reggie's for his computer, but it's so out of the way and I can't get over there. Ok, I need to get going. These have been rather short lately. I am feeling better now though. I have a cough and a stuffy nose, but at least I can sleep better at night.

Better today.

Well, I am doing better today. I still feel a little sick, but at least the worst is behind me... Hopefully. I talked a little to that girl in my class and she is just so cute. I was doing better in my class and I seemed to be getting a decent grade. I was getting a 76%, but I have raised that to 79%.

Still feel horrible.

I'm still sick. Nothing has improved since yesterday and I feel just as sick. Can't manage to get better. Now my neck hurts from lying down all funny. At least I coughed up more flem today. Throat feels a little better, now I'm just all stuffed up. I really need to go out and get some different medicine. Tylenol cold and sinus is what I need to take. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to stay inside and sleep. But I can't sleep very well since I toss and turn and my nose get plugged up depending on which side I am sleeping on. Then I have to switch sides.

This is terrible, I'm gonna go suffer now. At least Starbucks has been keeping me comfortable. He's such a cute kitty. Dumb, but cute.

Still really sick.

I still feel like crap today. Woke up around noon and have been coughing and blowing my nose all day. Haven't really ate anything. I called off of work and class. I really need to get better. Coughed up a bunch of flem. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I can feel crap dripping down my throat right now and my voice is still messed up from the sore throat. Feeling weak and tired. I need to go to work tomorrow. Gotta go.

Sick.

I'm so sick right now. Throat is killing me and I've got bad post nasal drip. It just goes into my thoat and sticks there causing me pain and suffering. I'm tired and should be going to sleep now. Hamburger Hill is on right now. I think I'll watch it for a while then go to bed.

bored again.

sitting at caribou, bored as he'll again. Kim loves coming here. I don't know why. Maybe it's because she wants to feel like she is in college.

Should be sleeping.

Well, I should be sleeping right now, but I can't. Feeling kind of down again. I feel like I am being used. I didn't do anything terribly exciting today. I was called in front of the class to demonstrate using a traction splint and I screwed up a lot. Making a fool of my self in the mean time. That one girl doesn't really talk to me anymore so I have pretty much given up on that. I need to study harder. Tomorrow night I am going to study more.

I have a fear. Kim is going to a bible study tomorrow night and I have this huge fear that she is going to meet some guy and start dating him. I would be crushed again. I have a feeling that it is going to bother me when she leaves tomorrow and I won't be able to study very good since I will be thinking about it.

I think I like Katie at work a little. Yeah, I know it's bad. She's got a boyfriend too. She was looking good today. She mentioned that Matt and I should go out with her and her boyfriend sometime. That seems like fun. I gotta go to bed now.

Nothing has changed.

Well, I still feel like she is still talking to him. And I bet big money that she is. It just aggravates me that I feel like shit all the time. I don't think I am going to be able to stay with her for much longer. I just can't shake that feeling. I need to lose weight and definately after this weekend it's on. The fat will disappear and I am going to "literally" work my ass off to get back down to what I as. I am around 180 now and I should be around 145-150. I can see why she would not be attracted to me anymore.

Right now I am sitting in Caribou, bored as hell. I'd rather be back at home. I miss hanging out with my friends and I need to choose what I want in my life. To be tied down with her, worrying about her calling Mr. Fugly Old Guy, or hang out with my friends and trying to improve myself. I just can't stand traffic and I hate living so god damn far away from work. Traffic is killing me in the morning and I find it much easier when I am 15 minutes away and can wake up only a half hour before work as opposed to getting up 2 hours before and sitting in horrible traffic.

I'm not happy. I guess I need to let go. This isn't going to be heading in the right direction. Hopefully, I can get a hold of some friends and hang out tonight. I GUARANTEE that Kim will be calling and/or going over there as soon as I leave. She just got a message on her phone. Probably from him. God damn it, I'm going to leave.

Friday night.

Right now I'm just sitting on the couch watching CSI Miami. Kim is playing Tetris across from me on her red chair. We went to the mall tonight and she bought a bunch of clothes. I've been feeling unhealthy lately. I just haven't been eating or drinking healthy and have been feeling sick. I really, really, REALLY need to start exercising and quit smoking. I smoked one cigarette today.

I wish things would turn out better for me. I can't go home because I constantly worry if Kim is going to go over and see her ex. I ate some pizza today for lunch and had a pretzel for dinner as well as a medium smoothie from Frulati. Tomorrow I am going to go exercise for at least a half hour. I need to get back on the horse.

I think I am going to go and get us something to eat.