New Years Eve

Hanging out in the apartment again. (what a surprise) Katie's brother is getting ready for work. I went to Subway this morning to see Katie and give her that box with Erin's games in it. I don't know what's going on tonight, all I know is that I don't want to spend more than $50 bucks tonight. Afterwards, I am REALLY low on cash. Lately, I've been thinking about Kim a lot. I don't know why. Can't really think of much else to say right now. I'll probably come back to this later.

Friday night.

Hey it's Friday, you got no job... and you got shit to do!

Didn't do much today. I slept till about 9am, then hung out in bed and read over Titanic history on my iPod. I got ready with the intention of going to see The Curious Case of Benjaman Button. I walked downtown to the AMC there and saw that it wasn't playing! Well, I wasn't about to go see Yes Man or anyother bullshit that was playing so I called dad to see if he could tell me where the other theatre was located at.

When I showed up there I realized that I had missed the last showing of it and the next one was at 2:30pm. So I decided to see Valkrie instead. It wasn't that bad of a movie. I thought it would be bad, but it turned out to be ok. After the movie was over I started walking home with nothing to do. I called Katie and she said that she was going out. I saw her drive by and she stop so I decided to go back downtown and have a drink at the Taphouse. I think I'm going to run a tally on how much I spend in a day. Today's total... about $17 dollars. We haven't decided to go out yet. I don't think we are going to. Katie got a call from her "boyfriend" and I took off out front for a smoke and just to pal around.

I came back inside to play some Rock Band while her brother sat on the couch and was on his laptop. I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling he may think that I'm just mooching off of everyone. I'm trying to find a job everyday so I can't help but think that everyone thinks that I'm doing shit all day. I give myself till the end of January (if I can last that long) to find a job. In the meantime, I am going to try and get a side job if I can.

I have about $200 dollars in my bank account. Not enough to really get me through the next month unless I do nothing all day. Katie's brother just left and will be back to run some errands so now it's just me and her. It feels like the conversation is getting stale. I think that Kim and I had better conversation than this when we lived together. Katie seems to laugh more with other people than myself. I think it's just me though and my past.

I don't know what's going to happen tonight or tomorrow, but I think it will be uneventful or frustrating.

This is my life... and it's ending one minute at a time.

Christmas Day

Well, it's Christmas today. How is it compared to the last two? Eh, it's a little better. I haven't had a Christmas that made me feel comfortable in a long time. Right now I still have no job so I am pretty stressed out about the whole money situation. At least we can sit in and relax today. At least that is what I plan on doing so far.

I bought Katie some Godiva White Chocolate and Baileys for Christmas. I know she likes it. I wish I had more money to spend. Next week I am going to start applying to stores for jobs. I'm running very low on cash right now and don't know how much longer I can go. We got up early this morning and went out to the store to get some juice and she bought her brother a Christmas card and wrote him a check for some money.

I managed to move my car out of the road and drove it for the first time in 2 weeks. I save so much in gas it's ridiculous. I can't think of anything more right now. I'll probably come back to this in a few.

***

Ok I'm back to finish the day's journal. Well, we didn't get to go anywhere today because it's Christmas and everything is closed. Marie seems a little quiet today. I don't know why. I've recieved a lot of texts from friends today asking how Seattle is. It was good hearing from them. I sent massive amounts of texts saying merry Christmas. Didn't even recieve one from Kim. Which doesn't surprise me. Just another nail in the proverbial coffin. Right now I'm lying in bed getting some time to myself. I need a place of my own sometimes. I value my privacy a lot. I just saw Katie poke her head in to see if I was in here.

I guess this is it for me today. Signing off till tomorrow.

Sunday morning.

It's 7:40am right now and I just woke up a little bit ago. Last night was ok and I met some of the people that Katie met a couple weeks ago. Am I better now that I met them? Sure. Am I still comfortable with her hanging around them on her own? Maybe, maybe not. I'm still a little skeptical about the whole thing. Anyways, things seemed to get a little better. We had a mini-argument last night when I mentioned about her not being stuck as a bartender the rest of her life. I was merely trying to help, but she took it too personally (as usual) and things got tense again for a bit.

I think things are better this morning.

Later today we are going to meet Erin which is Katie's brother's ex-girlfriend. We are meeting her at the Taphouse. I like that place because of all the good beers that they have in there. We're meeting her there around 2pm. I'm excited about going out today because I'm going to go shopping a little bit with the gift cards that mom gave me.

I spent like over 40 dollars yesterday. Much more than I wanted to. I hope I get that job this week. I need the money, and I need to start working out more.

Well, I'm stepping out again. There's like 2 people in the living room that are passed out. My chips are gone and all the fudge cookies are gone too. Guess I have to buy some more. Well, take it easy.

Here in Seattle.

Today is a better day today. Katie and I are doing ok, much better since the past couple. I guess I kind of find myself missing home right now. And maybe I miss having the opportunity to be on my own. Tonight is that guy's birthday party. I still have no desire to go to it at all. But I will go with her. Mom sent me some gift cards in the mail today. She sent them out on Thursday, but I didn't finally get it till today. I got Macys, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks and Best Buy. I also talked to Reggie today and found out (from mom) that he shoveled the driveway which was really nice.

I feel bad that mom is so far away and it makes me sad. I don't regret leaving, especially once I get my own place and can finally be on my own. Kim sent me some pics of her and Starbucks yesterday. I miss them both too. I know we went through a lot and she flipped out a couple times, but I still care about her. I don't know what is going on in her mind, I think she really cares about me.

Just went shopping with Katie a little bit ago. The roads are so icy around here and cars are sliding all over the place. Even walking down the sidewalk can be treacherous and I have slipped a few times, but at least I didn't fall on my face... or my ass. So right now I'm just hanging around the apartment. Katie's bro is playing Rock Band and Katie is probably going to take a shower. I kind of want to go do something, but the roads suck and no buses are running up here.

Well, wish me luck at that damn party tonight. I guarantee that Katie will be the only girl there. At least I'll be with her and can try and ward off those fucking tools that will be hitting on her all night, but I'm sure she'll love all of the attention. I'll give details tomorrow about what went down.

Wow, it's been awhile!

Well, where do I begin. I'm not even in Chicago anymore. I moved to Seattle to start new and be with Katie. I'm already regretting the latter. Where do I begin...

It first started when she started giving her number out to guys at bars. Now she's talking back and forth with this one guy. It just pisses me off. I can't seem to get over it. No matter how much I try to I just can't handle it. Things between me and her are constantly deteriorating. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her.

In the meantime, things with Kim and I have been improving and I know she misses me. I can't see myself having a future with Katie. Let me list the pros and cons of both girls.

Katie

- Drinks a lot.
- Flirts with guys and likes the attention.
- Gives up too easily.
- Doesn't want to compromise.
- Wants to bartend and isn't serious about looking for a better job.
- Cannot stand being by herself, therefore not independant.
- Couldn't care less what I want to do.
- Everything is about her.

Those are serious things for me and the top two are pretty fucking big. I know that Kim and I can never get back together. Despite how I would love to, it just won't happen. But her personality and intelligence is what I want in a girlfriend, or at least a companion. She's smart, independant, doesn't need attention from guys, is a loner like me, likes to read, doesn't drink (though I do, but not to excess), likes Starbucks coffee, and loves cats.

I'd rather be alone and have her as a friend than be here together in misery with Katie right now. It's sad to say, but I don't think I can get over the fact of this new guy she likes. It just pisses me off too much!

My only goal now is to get this new job, get my own place, and be on my own. Katie will hook up with somebody. The idea of having my own place and being on my own is fantastic and I wish I had it right now.
-

She's gone.

Well, Katie left yesterday for Seattle. I was crying, but tried to keep my composure as much as possible. I love her. I love her more than anything in the world. I'm hopeful for things to come. But I am worried about her finding someone else to connect to. I know her brother has friends out there and I'm sure some of them will try to hook up with her in the next few months. She hangs out with guys a lot so I do worry about it a little since I will be so far away.

I can't wait to see her in November. I miss my baby.

SLIDE

Jack's power animal said it best, "Slide!"

Thinking through last week I realized something. That I haven't been thinking for myself lately. I've been giving my power away, my priorities away to other people and anxieties. I haven't been doing anything for myself. And in the process I have been completely fucking myself over. Yeah, I haven't been wanting to talk about them. But let's list the general concerns of mine:

- Bills
- Health
- Career
- Studying
- Finances
- Responsibility

I'm basically fucking myself over when it comes to debt and finances. Going out and spending money on drinking instead of saving. Worrying about Katie and who she's with, going out to smoke constantly when I should start quitting. Worrying about work, studying for my certs, moving out again, California, Seattle, working out again, eating too much, drinking too much, neglecting my friends, my family. Fuck... Everything!

You know, when Katie and I were first hanging out I didn't care at all who she was hanging around. Mostly guys, but who cared? I was having fun and getting into a nice friends with benefits situation. She started getting attached and we became "exclusive". She told me about Joe and how he really liked her. I begain worrying about it for a while. But after going through her old pictures with her and seeing her friends and how she used to hang out with these people for years.

Who the fuck am I to stop that? How arrogant and self-centered of me to try and stop that. Sure there are some things I would like her not to do, but those are common sense. Like kissing and sleeping over at some dude's house, shit like that which I would never do. But hanging out and going drinking during the day. Whatever, I'm stupid to try and worry about it.

All I care about is Katie being happy. Whether that's with me or someone else. I need to stop acting like a jealous 15 year old brat and grow up. I have my own things to worry about. I even started playing basketball again! Fun as hell I'll tell ya!

I do love her though, but I can't stop things from happening. If they do, they do. That kind of stuff is out of my control. What is in control is MY life.

It's time to start making MYSELF a priority and let all the other bullshit SLIDE.

Drunk sunday.

Woke up around 8am this morning and was pretty eager to get to the gym. Yesterday I went to an pig roast with Katie and had some pork. Haven't had any since California when Steph and I were tricked by Brenda into eating some. I remember the look on my sister's face when Brenda said "Oh and you two are eating pork. Isn't it good?" We both about puked our guts out.

So anyways, yesterday I was talked into having some pork. It wasn't too bad and it actually tasted like chicken. I have been so stuffed all weekend and feel horribly bloated and FAT. It's all good though, because tomorrow I am going to work out like crazy at least 2 1/2 hours and burn off everything that I have been eating all weekend.

After the gym I got ready and picked up Katie and we went to Sams again to have a "few" drinks and I started getting drunk. They had a free buffet there and I had a little to eat. Then we went over to Jackie's house and watched the rest of the Bears game. It was cool seeing Matt outside of work for once since he never goes out anymore. I remember when we used to go out all the time and get wasted with Rob. Mikey showed up and we were watching the Bears lose as usual. What a surprise.

Afterwards, we picked up Joe and Chris and saw Burn After Reading. It was a unusual movie along the lines of Fargo and No Country for Old Men. Now I'm sitting on the couch with Katie watching Old School. At least the rain stopped. Nothing much else happened. I'm not looking forward for work tomorrow. Oh well, gotta pay the bills. Peace.

Some space...

Katie and I have been arguing over the past week. First I screwed up and said Kim's name, then I was arguing about not getting enough affection, then about her hanging out with Joe again. I feel the spark is fading and we are falling into routine. Yeah, I love her, but I don't feel that excitment from her when she wants to hang out. I just dont understand how they can have all of this money to go out. I just don't have it. Where does it come from?

I have more bills than any of them do I'm sure. That and I don't make enough money. Katie is leaving for Seattle and I see her when I can, but I feel that she isn't as into seeing me as she used to be and it hurts. Our living situation is horrible. My mom won't even let her come near the damn house in the condition it is in and I can't sleep over there when her parents are home.

She seems so excited to go out with her friends, with me it's just "whatever you want to do." Way to go sounding so excited to see me. All I get is "I miss you." Wow, really? You actually do?

Today is another one of those days, I just feel down and like shit. I better get used to it. Katie is leaving soon and will find a new flame in Seattle I'm sure.

I'm jealous, I don't want her to talk to her friend, I want her to be more excited to see me, I want, I want, I want.

You know what's bad? I'm starting to get clingy. Maybe it is the fact that she is leaving soon, but also me not feeling that she is showing affection. Do I need constant reassurance? Maybe my low self-esteem is creeping up on me again. I'm starting to show my ugly side to her and maybe that's putting her off.

It's just not fair. Why did she want to go out with me? She has more in common with her friend than me. He fucking worships her and she's so excited to be with him. What the fuck am I doing? Nothing special. Just working and losing more money.

So today I decide to back off. Maybe absence will make the heart grow yonder. Maybe she will just bounce to someone else to fill the lonely void. I believe more in the latter. I might try and visit her later tonight at her home. I'm sick of her tag-along pup and sometimes I just want to hang out with only her. Oh well, such is life.

Chillin with my baby

I'm sitting here chillin at Katie's house. I love her so much. Everything is cool right now. Work sucked today as usual, I didn't do much. right now I am trying to get her gossip girl working. She is sitting on the couch next to me and is watching tv. I went out drinking today and had a couple red bull and vodkas. I actually fell asleep at work today for the first time inn a long time. I was out for like an hour. I woke up with the biggest scare because I didn't know if Dan or Carmen had tried to walk in to my office if I would have even woken up. I checked the logs for proximity card readers and it didn't show anything so I felt better about it.

Well, I gotta go. Katie needs to read a message from her brother. I will have to continue this tomorrow. Remember what you said about how it would be a year from now? I think we're past that point man. I am totally not making any sense and am kind of all over the place as usual. Ok better let my baby get on! Later!

So in love.

Wow, I've never felt so good about a girlfriend than I am with Katie. I love her so much. Today I've been in such a good mood despite all the other bullshit happening in my life. Katie makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy" inside and it's a great feeling to have someone verbally reciprocate feelings towards you. Last night I picked her up from Joe's and we went to eat at Davidson's. Her next door neighbor was there and they were catching up a little.

We started eating and after we were through, he came over again and was talking with her. I could tell he was drunk, but it wasn't anything bad. I could tell Katie was having a good time so it was cool. Then his friend came over and he was cool as hell too. Then the evening REALLY started. I thought I was afraid of her dad. These guys were busting my balls big time! But it was all in good fun. Katie was smiling and having so much fun watching them size me up and see if I was "worthy" of being with her. She felt so bad for me at the same time and kept asking if I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I told her it was cool, I would tread hell to be with her, so this was cake. They were like big brothers watching out for their younger sister, with the one who lives next to her occasionally hitting on her.

She was so open about us, and kept trying to make me comfortable by holding my hand, hugging me or kissing me right in front of them. While I appreciated this, it only made them joke with me more.

"Harry..." or "Barry!..." They would call my name. It was funny. I took it like a man, joking back when I could. But for the most part I just got hazed. Katie said that they liked me a lot better than Bryan. I think that's a good thing and she does too. Whatever happened last night, it only made her love for me stronger. She just kept staring at me later on, saying how much she loved me. I would look back at her beautiful face, thinking the same thing. I love it when she smiles, when she's happy. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know someone loves you that much and to be with them.

I could be with her forever.

I hope I can be.

I think she is slipping away.

I think I might be losing Katie, very very slowly. She's been hanging around some fucking deuchebag all day for the passed 2 days. She has seem more excited to hang out with him then with me. Whenever we are around I feel like she is less affectionate in front of him. I mean, she hasn't even fucking told him she was dating me!

I think this is a sign not to go out to Seattle with her. And if my gut is right, that little dillweed will suggest moving out there with her. If that happens, it's over. Plain and simple. Him or me. She either has feelings for him and is in denial, or is holding on to me because I'm safe. She used to want to hang out. Now, it's always, "whatever you want" or "it's your choice". How about making me feel wanted for once, how about saying "I would really like to see you tonight"!

How about letting that drunken piss-ant stay at home for once instead of following us around all the damn time!

There's never enough time.

Katie and I are in love. I didn't think it could truly happen so fast, but it has. So how do I feel about it? I feel good, it feels really good. But at the same time, I'm scared. More like terrified. I don't want to lose her, so much has happened around me in the past where people have left the other or "fallen out of love" with someone. It's happened to me twice. And it never got easier. Now I've truly fallen for Katie and she is probably leaving in less than a month from now and I'm no closer to getting out of here.

Selling my car will be a big step forward. But I still need to look for another job out there. I've been going out every single night drinking with Katie and I need to have a chill night tonight. She might get fired and go out getting wasted, I will probably be out with her if she does. If she doesn't then I'm definately staying in. It upsets me that her friends encourage her to go out. Chris is cool as shit though and is also responsible. He goes out and gets hammered sometimes, but he knows his limits and when he needs to just relax. Joe has a thing for Katie and he is constantly trying to get her to go out and get wasted.

It sucks sometimes, it feels like I am competing for her attention when I'm not whenever he tags along with us. Katie views him as just a friend, but I can see he has alterior motives for going out. I've also found that Katie is less affectionate when we are around him. I don't know if it's because she's just busy or if she's not trying to lose him as a friend. That guy needs to chill out and get a girlfriend and stop trying to "impress" Katie. I'll admit that it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. He has to know she's with me and should fucking respect that.

Anyways, Katie is leaving soon and we had a discussion about it last night. She says that she loves me with all her heart and that no one will ever match her love for me. When I think of her leaving, those last few moments we'll have together before she gets on that plane. I'll be so sad, but so happy that she'll be going to where she really wants to be.

Well, I'm at work and people are walking into my office. I gotta go for now.

At work.

So I'm at work trying to study. It's been kind of slow here today. I wish I could just be a tech and work on computers all day. So, why do I write these blogs? To talk about my relationships! So what's happened so far? Katie said she loved me. Wow, I was taken aback by it. I mean, it was so soon. I don't even know what love is anymore? I know that when I'm not with her, I miss her. I would do almost anything for her. That I don't want to lose her in that way. Maybe that's love. It's hard to go back to someone as a friend after that.

Matt and Jackie "broke up" again. I feel bad for the guy. So far Katie and I haven't had any bad fights or anything which is good. It's still too early though. And now the question... Do I really love her? Maybe. I say it. Whenever I'm with her I do. But sometimes when I'm not I don't feel that way. Well, that's not really right. It's confusing. Only you will know. I want to move to Seattle with her, but I just know it's going to take longer for me to get out there unless I can find a good job. I'm going to lose her, that much is certain.

I will miss her when she leaves and finds a new man. Someone better, but hopefully doesn't treat her like crap. I haven't been feeling all right lately. Kind of blah. I need to stop smoking and start working out again. Katie and I have been staying out too late and it's getting to me. It's harder to wake up on time.

Oh well, I gotta go now.

A new relationship.

Last night Katie and I made it official. That we would be together. We have both fallen for each other and despite a few doubts and nervous feelings towards the matter, we're going to try. I have feelings for her now and she makes me feel good. I haven't gotten too close to her friends and she hasn't met any of mine yet, but it's only the begining. It feels good to be with her.

Decisions, Decisions.

Things just got a bit more serious. Katie and I had a serious talk about relationships last night. She said that she loved being with me and that I make her smile. She said I was amazing and all of that. She told me to not get attached, which is really what I have not been doing these past few weeks. I've had my guard up. Waiting for this to end any time. Waiting for her to move on to someone else. Last night some guy walks up to us who was staring at her the whole time. I guess they knew each other from grade school. At first I felt threatened, but I tried not to show it. It was afterwards that we got into our serious relationship conversation. She told me about how Chris and her are really close and that with her comes him. I have been fine with it, but the more people try to tell you what is going to happen like it is fact (her close relationship to Chris affecting me and making me jealous) the more you start to wonder if you should feel that way.

She said I should just have my fun and move on. That comment made me feel like shit. I'm not that kind of guy and I don't want to treat her like that. She deserves so much better than that. We were having fun together and everything, now after talking about this it has kind of made me feel sour about the whole thing. I enjoy kissing her and being with her, but now I feel like I'm just using her. I know she didn't mean anything by that comment and that she really is ok with me just having fun with her. I don't know. In the past I made mistakes by staying in something when I knew I shouldn't. At this point, I don't know what my gut is telling me. I've either not been with her enough or experienced being out with her and "in a relationship" with her. Things become different when you are together with someone like that. I still need more time to feel it out. But really, honestly at this point. If I had to make a definitive decision right now with no repercussions or feelings... I would leave.

Maybe that says something...

Sitting at work.

Let's see. What is happening right now? Oh yeah, that's right! Absolutely nothing! What a shocker that is, huh? I've been thinking hard lately about my job. Hate it and loath it. I just want to go away. Not be here anymore. Someone to talk to about stuff, no one here can do that. I need to vent, but I have nothing. So I hold it in, only letting it out here or in my apartment by myself. Only there is no one on the otherside to reciprocate my thoughts.

So what do I do to cope?

I post topics on forums, I go to the gym, I go to the movies, I drink, I spend time with people I really don't care for too much. I put on this fake face and prentend I'm something I'm not. I remember the list of people in and around my life a few months ago. But really, I don't care about them or they don't about me. It's all fake. Like everything else. I feel empty and alone. Sometimes I feel nothing at all. I lie awake at night thinking about all the decisions I've made in my life.

Rock bottom...

Wow, you would think after a nice relaxing vacation one would feel rejuvanated. I don't feel that way. I feel sick: both emotionally and physically. I don't think I was truly relaxing or having fun. Sure it was great seeing my sister and getting away, but my cares and worries were still with me. Hovering over and around me. Even on vacation I thought about them which is why I truly think that I did not escape anything. Now I'm back and they have descended on me again. Back to the same routine of nothing.

Same people, same bullshit, same faking, same lies, same relationships, same me. Nothing has changed.

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I can't even properly relate my problems to my family anymore. I definately cannot talk to my friends. Their advice would be "just drink". In the end that would kill me. I have no where else to turn, no where else to go. I'm trapped and alone. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no one there to throw me a rope. I'm drowning.

Like the song Into the Ocean.

... Just got phoned from Kim.

Conversation went ok. But still... I feel nothing. I saw Katie today... we kissed and held each other for a while. But still... I feel nothing. I feel bad for her though. She drinks and drinks. In the end it won't help, but I have no right to say anything. And I won't.

I can't even bring myself to cry at this point. I feel empty and hollow. There's so much going through my head right now that I can't even write it down.

I've been working on this for over 40 minutes now. I guess I'll continue tomorrow.

Emotions

Well, I just got back from a nearly week long vacation in California with my sister. It was so nice hanging out with her. We went to San Francisco, saw a Giants game, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, saw Napa, visited Wine Vineyards. It was great. During my trip though, I opened up to Steph. I just let it all out. Started bawling and crying telling her that I felt like shit and needed to get away. She helped me feel better and I admit it was good to let it all out.

I was watching Star Wars just a few minutes ago and almost started crying. I can't seem to control my feelings as well as I used to after the trip. It started last Friday when I went out with Katie. I felt like I was competing for her attention (which I shouldn't have felt). I was done trying so hard and left. That night I called mom and started crying telling her how worthless I felt and that I was so alone. My friends suck, no one here gives a shit about me. They never really "listen" to what I say and always have the dumbest advice. I have been staying in this apartment by myself for almost 2 months and I feel utterly alone.

I have been able to fill that gap with Katie, but it's just not the same as it is when I am with Kim. Sure I have fun with Katie, but I don't love her. I still love Kim and I wish I was with her again or that she was back here. Plus, Katie drinks all the time and while that is nice, it's just not me. I don't feel like I have to go out and get drunk to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to chill or go to the mall or watch a movie.

Maybe Steph and Mom were right. Maybe I should go back to church and start trying to get in touch with God. I'm even getting emotional right now typing this. I miss my family so much.

... I just cryed there for like 2 minutes.

I need a change. I need to get away. I hope... no I pray that I can gather enough motivation to study hard for my certifications and get out of this place. It's time to take control of my life!

I'm a loner.

At home about to go to sleep. Feeling kind of down as usual. Don't know what to do. I have to work in the morning. I'm taking Monday and Tuesday off and am just going to lay low. I like being alone. I was meant to be. I feel blah mostly all the time. I've been hanging out with friends and such, but I know they don't really give a shit. I like the movie I Am Legend. That's me, minus the loving dog. I had Starbucks, but he's gone now. So I guess you could say I lost my last true friend.

Wow, after that last sentence Kim called me to reaffirm my utter isolation.

Haha, I'm so depressing. I need to stop getting my hopes up about other things right now. The more hope you get, the more shitty it is when NOTHING happens. And nothing will. Remember that Eric.

You are on your own.

It's early morning.

Sitting at the apartment, chillin. Thinking about stuff, in no particular order, bills-Kim-health-Katie-work-career. I've been talking to Katie for a few months now. Don't know how I started developing feelings towards her. Only Matt and Alan know. I've got a gut feeling that things won't turn out good. Worked out tonight, feel good. It's late, Kim isn't here. I miss my baby-girl. Boston Celtics won tonight. It was fucking insane! I wish I saw the whole game. I saw Ray Allen's drive at the end. Fucking sweet. Well, I'm tired.

At least the thunder stopped. I get a little scared sometimes at the apartment by myself. I'm also pretty lonely right now. I'm fighting hard to stay above the water with the whole Kim situation. It's hard, but I'm fighting. Hopefully the storm will pass and I will see land. But all I can see are huge waves crashing over me and my tiny raft is all that's keeping me afloat.

Just chillin'.

Sitting here in the apartment just thinking right now. So much has happened over the past two months. I don't know where to begin. I don't want to talk much about anything. I've lost some weight which is nice. Heading closer to my goal. Kim is still with that asshole. She has come over a few times. I miss her still. The intensity of it is up and down though.

Going to a Sox game with Katie and some of her friends on Sunday. Dave might come with me, but I don't think he is. Jimmy and his girl are more than likely going to back out. Alan said he would go, but he probably will not pick up his phone Sunday. Reggie too. Wow, when stuff like this happens it really looks like I have shady friends.

Starbucks is going crazy right now. I don't think I'm going to the gym tonight. I MUST tomorrow morning though. At least for an hour and a half. Working out in the evening sucks. I like mornings better. Gets it out of the way. Starbucks is whining again. I don't know what he wants. Probably to play, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just sort of "blah" right now. I think I'll watch the rest of Pirates 3. Dead Man's Chest was so much better than At World's End.

Ok, time to go.

She went back to him again.

Well, Kim and I had a fucking huge fight last Thursday. She drove me to extremes I never thought I was capable of. No, I didn't hit her or anything, but I came pretty close. She told me to leave and I left. Now here I am again back home. But since then, she has called a couple times and finally said I could keep the apartment. Then today she is buddy punching me and calling me "Erica" her nickname for me, like nothing fucking happened. I'm a little weary of going back. To see an empty apartment and such. Knowing she'll never come back.

I've been talking to Katie lately, but I just know deep down that nothing is going to happen. I'm just humoring myself and tomorrow I probably won't even talk to her. She told me she would never date anyone else, so I think that says it all right there. Maybe I'm just looking for companionship right now. I may ask her to "hang out" sometime this week before the weekend. See where that goes. I think I'm setting myself up to fall hard again.

I went out with her and some of her friends over the weekend and it was fun. I met up with Brent too later that night. So all in all it was ok. I have so many friends that want to go out, it's good to keep them close. It will only help me forget about Kim faster. Well, I better get going and head to the gym, then back to the lonely apartment.

Something to talk about?

It's been a couple months. Nothing much has changed. I passed my EMT class and got my license, but didn't go back. I need to email my teacher and explain to him what happened. Kim and I have remained friends. So far nothing bad has happened between us. I started studying for my computer certs so I can make more money and get more experience.

I also started working out. I hit the gym hard and have been dieting and exercising almost every morning for an hour. I've already started losing some weight. I guess you could say I got a little motivation back. I think I'm becoming attracted to a girl at work. I don't want to name names right now... I might jinx it.

Brent wants me to come out to a club tonight, but I don't really feel like going. I'm just not in the mood to go out. I'll end up going and meet him there. I'm going to try and make an excuse and meet up with him afterwards. I'd like to see Iron Man. The reviews say that it's really good. Well, that's all for now.

Long time no see.

Wow, it's been a while since I wrote anything! I graduated from my EMT-B class. I was complimented on by my instructors on how well I did on the practical and I passed the written test with an 84%. I took the state exam on Saturday, but I don't think I did very well. We'll see though.

Graduation was nice and I will be going back for ongoing education. I am trying to decide what I want to do career-wise. Stay at The Core or go into EMT or both. I don't know. I have about a week or so to think about it.

I finally moved into my new office too. Jaime took my old one and Marina took hers. It's nice and once we get the security cameras, doors locks and card readers it will be private and secured. I finished putting together the new rack and am looking forward to that.

Nothing else really new. I've been watching Lost the last 2 months and I just love that show. Now we have to wait 4 weeks till a new episode because of the damn strike a last month. Good Friday is tomorrow and I am going to start studying for my CompTIA Network+ certification.

Moving on.

Work is changing and I am moving into a new office come tomorrow. It'll be a little sad leaving the window and despite what I have thought in the past, not having Jaime around will be kind of dull. It was always amusing to hear her complaints, even when they got annoying. She's kind of goofy sometimes and I find it nice to know her. We ran over budget on construction and now we have to cut our camera budget in half. It will be nice to have some cameras around, but everything else will be put aside. Door locks and proximity cards are good too.

I'm not feeling to hot right now. I don't know, just getting kind of down. Maybe I was expecting more about things lately and am becoming disappointed in their outcome. I don't know how to explain it. I'll know looking back at this how I feel. I don't know. I feel lonely sometimes. I know I have friends, but I just don't feel complete. Maybe I need a relationship. To feel needed for once. Looking back at the whole relationship with Kim I see that she was probably one of the worst girlfriends I have ever had. And in the end I turned into someone I am not. Even to this day she constantly reminds me, though not through words, of rejection by her.

I think I should be content in being alone. I don't need anyone. I just need to watch out for myself.

Everything is coming together, yet I'm still lost.

We're getting busier at work and class is almost over.  Soon I will have graduated and officially be an EMT-B.  We're starting to get more sophisticated equipment at work and I will more busier.  Well, I always say that when I'm not doing much it means that I am doing my job. I am getting the feeling from a lot of people at work that I don't do much of anything all day.  I am starting to get sick and tired of it.  That is one of the main reasons why I want to become an EMT-B.

Then there's Kim...

Yeah, I'm about to talk about her... AGAIN.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I have to beat her by getting into a relationship first.  I just won't be able to handle it if she starts going out with some other guy.  I am on my way out then.  If I am in a relationship before her then I won't give a shit.  She mentioned that they may be hiring another production assistant and I am praying to Jesus and God almighty that it is another girl.  That's all I need for it to be is an attractive guy to start working over there and for Kim to fall head over heals for him.  That's my next greatest fear next to her going back to her ex or getting pregnant by one or the other.I'm so fat and I am going to the gym tomorrow morning to get back into shape.  I keep saying that I want to start losing weight and getting back into shape as well as stop eating fast food.  Yet I always go out to get it. 

If the Kim factor were not in effect, I would be cool with where my life was heading.  But that constantly drags me back down.  I've asked and prayed to get over this and her, but I can't seem to get away.  Having her go out with someone else is NOT the way to get over her, especially when I work near her everyday.  So if it is in God's hands about how he plans to help me get over her, then that is NOT the way.  A new relationship or me moving far away is the only way I think right now.

I feel that I have been shunned by my friend Matt at work.  Lately, whenever I have wanted to go out to smoke with him he says no.  Then 5 minutes later I see him smoking with Brian and Katie.  In fact, no one wants to smoke with me except Marcin.  He's the only one that comes by and wants to smoke anymore.  I guess that's a good thing since I am trying to stop.  I'm starting to dislike almost everyone back there.  I think there is a lot of animosity going on among them.  Like they are jealous of me for getting where I am.  Alan might get some of that too since he is in sales now.  Oh well, fuck them.  Let them do their brainless work.

I guess I better get some sleep now before I go to the gym tomorrow.  Oh, I also deleted my Myspace page after Kim found comments that she thought were about her.  That's all for now.

Friday morning.

I haven't written anything really descriptive in a while.  I haven't been in the mood to write anything.  I feel that my life is starting to move forward a little.  In terms of my career and education.  Relationship-wise that is.  I don't know when I am going to get a chance to get back in the game again.  It was funny, last night Eric got burned when trying to ask Sai out.  Parrish said outloud that it was dead quiet after he tried to ask her out.

Monday.

Went to work early and met with the guy who might be installing our new surveillance system. There's so much more to it as well, including using VOIP and extra door security. The day flew by! I looked at the clock and it was already 2pm! Soon it was 4:30 and almost time to go. I better study tonight. Tomorrow is going to be busy and I won't have time to slack off. I don't think I will get a change to go to the gym tonight. Too much to work on. I smoked today. Once. With Katie and Marcin. I almost did again, but held off. I shouldn't keep doing it unless I run into Katie and she wants to go or something.

I need to focus on losing weight and getting into shape. I keep meaning to go by Reggie's for his computer, but it's so out of the way and I can't get over there. Ok, I need to get going. These have been rather short lately. I am feeling better now though. I have a cough and a stuffy nose, but at least I can sleep better at night.

Better today.

Well, I am doing better today. I still feel a little sick, but at least the worst is behind me... Hopefully. I talked a little to that girl in my class and she is just so cute. I was doing better in my class and I seemed to be getting a decent grade. I was getting a 76%, but I have raised that to 79%.

Still feel horrible.

I'm still sick. Nothing has improved since yesterday and I feel just as sick. Can't manage to get better. Now my neck hurts from lying down all funny. At least I coughed up more flem today. Throat feels a little better, now I'm just all stuffed up. I really need to go out and get some different medicine. Tylenol cold and sinus is what I need to take. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to stay inside and sleep. But I can't sleep very well since I toss and turn and my nose get plugged up depending on which side I am sleeping on. Then I have to switch sides.

This is terrible, I'm gonna go suffer now. At least Starbucks has been keeping me comfortable. He's such a cute kitty. Dumb, but cute.

Still really sick.

I still feel like crap today. Woke up around noon and have been coughing and blowing my nose all day. Haven't really ate anything. I called off of work and class. I really need to get better. Coughed up a bunch of flem. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I can feel crap dripping down my throat right now and my voice is still messed up from the sore throat. Feeling weak and tired. I need to go to work tomorrow. Gotta go.

Sick.

I'm so sick right now. Throat is killing me and I've got bad post nasal drip. It just goes into my thoat and sticks there causing me pain and suffering. I'm tired and should be going to sleep now. Hamburger Hill is on right now. I think I'll watch it for a while then go to bed.

bored again.

sitting at caribou, bored as he'll again. Kim loves coming here. I don't know why. Maybe it's because she wants to feel like she is in college.

Should be sleeping.

Well, I should be sleeping right now, but I can't. Feeling kind of down again. I feel like I am being used. I didn't do anything terribly exciting today. I was called in front of the class to demonstrate using a traction splint and I screwed up a lot. Making a fool of my self in the mean time. That one girl doesn't really talk to me anymore so I have pretty much given up on that. I need to study harder. Tomorrow night I am going to study more.

I have a fear. Kim is going to a bible study tomorrow night and I have this huge fear that she is going to meet some guy and start dating him. I would be crushed again. I have a feeling that it is going to bother me when she leaves tomorrow and I won't be able to study very good since I will be thinking about it.

I think I like Katie at work a little. Yeah, I know it's bad. She's got a boyfriend too. She was looking good today. She mentioned that Matt and I should go out with her and her boyfriend sometime. That seems like fun. I gotta go to bed now.

Nothing has changed.

Well, I still feel like she is still talking to him. And I bet big money that she is. It just aggravates me that I feel like shit all the time. I don't think I am going to be able to stay with her for much longer. I just can't shake that feeling. I need to lose weight and definately after this weekend it's on. The fat will disappear and I am going to "literally" work my ass off to get back down to what I as. I am around 180 now and I should be around 145-150. I can see why she would not be attracted to me anymore.

Right now I am sitting in Caribou, bored as hell. I'd rather be back at home. I miss hanging out with my friends and I need to choose what I want in my life. To be tied down with her, worrying about her calling Mr. Fugly Old Guy, or hang out with my friends and trying to improve myself. I just can't stand traffic and I hate living so god damn far away from work. Traffic is killing me in the morning and I find it much easier when I am 15 minutes away and can wake up only a half hour before work as opposed to getting up 2 hours before and sitting in horrible traffic.

I'm not happy. I guess I need to let go. This isn't going to be heading in the right direction. Hopefully, I can get a hold of some friends and hang out tonight. I GUARANTEE that Kim will be calling and/or going over there as soon as I leave. She just got a message on her phone. Probably from him. God damn it, I'm going to leave.

Friday night.

Right now I'm just sitting on the couch watching CSI Miami. Kim is playing Tetris across from me on her red chair. We went to the mall tonight and she bought a bunch of clothes. I've been feeling unhealthy lately. I just haven't been eating or drinking healthy and have been feeling sick. I really, really, REALLY need to start exercising and quit smoking. I smoked one cigarette today.

I wish things would turn out better for me. I can't go home because I constantly worry if Kim is going to go over and see her ex. I ate some pizza today for lunch and had a pretzel for dinner as well as a medium smoothie from Frulati. Tomorrow I am going to go exercise for at least a half hour. I need to get back on the horse.

I think I am going to go and get us something to eat.

SNOW!!!!

There is a shitload of snow coming down today. It sucks, because I forgot my student ID pass AGAIN. I need to drive home and get my dress attire for tomorrow's dispatch clinical. I will probably do that after class tonight. I don't know when I will be able to get home. Then I have to drive all the way back to the apartment and go to sleep. I am not looking forward to it. I probably won't get back to the apartment and in bed till around midnight. I need to tell Carmen about not getting in till around noon tomorrow. Then I have to schedule my ride times for next weekend.

Not looking forward to tonight.

Those around me. Part 2

I feel like continuing my list of friends and people around me right now. At this moment I am sitting on Kim's couch. She is sitting on the red chair on her laptop. Starbucks is around somewhere. CSI Miami is on.

Chuck Hall:

He's our second computer programmer. He was hired on around the same time Jaime was. He seemed pretty quiet when he was first hired. Matt and the others were pretty friendly with him. I went golfing with him, Dan, and Matt. Seems alright. Leaves work at 5pm almost to the T. Doesn't like to stay any more then he has to. Also plays WoW. But not as much as Reggie does.

Mike Kamp:

Met him at ITT. My first impression of him was that he was outspoken. I was actually kind of annoyed with him the first time I saw him. I remember I was in my Trigonometry class when he came in. He had transfered to our course from CEET. Eventually, we started becoming more friendly. Me mentioned The Core during a break one afternoon. I took his offer. Eventually I got a call while at work at RR Donnelly. The Friday of the first week I started working there I worked with Mike. It was fun and we hung out that night. I was so glad to be leaving RR Donnelly. That summer (2006) was blistering hot and I was glad to get into an air conditioned office. After he quit and got another job, we've hung out a few times. I've met up with him at clubs and went to his birthday at Mannequin in Chicago on Saturday. We play CoD4 a lot.

Tom Truedson:

One of the co-founders of The Core Organization. I talk to him frequently at work regarding computer problems and IT improvments. I think he has some trust in me that I can get things accomplished. I switched over the servers, fixed some of his own personal computers as well as put together a new computer at work for him. He seems pretty down-to-earth. Told me today that he wants me to learn the Mac network and might send me to a class learn about it.

David Skowronski:

Known him for years. He likes computers and cars. He works at a nice job and makes 45,000 a year. I tried to get a job with him many times, but he never came through. He lives in Roselle after moving out of his parents house. I talk to him every now and then. Last time I saw him was the night that I left Kim after I yelled at her. Is going out with some girl.

Marina Curtis:

The new girl that works across from me in my old office. She's midly attractive and always wears low tops that show off her cleavage. Matt was a little infatuated with her after they went to Jaime's sister's birthday party. Haven't really talked to her that much. I find it annoying that she walks back and forth passed my office a lot. She usually walks passed me when I'm not doing anything and sometimes I get the impression that she thinks I don't do anything important.

There's other people of course, but I think that I am done for now. I'm watching another CSI Miami and getting a little tired. I told my mom that I was moving in with a friend, but in reality I moved back in with Kim. If my mom knew that she would flip out. If my sister knew that she would probably disown me. Hehe. I've got class tomorrow night and dispatch on Friday morning. I managed to keep myself busy at work today. I was actually working hard getting things done. I found some really good cameras and keyless entry cards/locks for work. I wasn't feeling good this evening after work. I was feeling kind of nauseated. After eating some crackers, I felt better.

I got my car back this morning too! I was glad to have it back. Last night that truck was sliding all over the place.

Well, I think I am done writing for tonight.

Those around me.

I thought I would write a little about the people in and around my life at this moment. It seems that the majority of this blog has been about Kim and my turmoil and hardship about my relationship with her. Of course, she is not the ONLY person I know. Here's a short list with a little description of those around me that I know. Just random people off of the top of my head that I interact the most with, no special order.

Alan Harper:

I met him when I started working at the Core. He seemed like a cool guy right off the bat. Developed a friendship with him not too long after I started working there. He was the first person I talked to about liking Kim. He sort of warned me about going out with her. He has tons of friends and goes out to clubs a lot. I went out with him for the first time around December 2006 and got completely hammered. I had a blast though. Have seen him a couple other times and it was fun. Though nothing can top the first time.

Matt Kamp:

Actually met him through his brother Mike at ITT. After Mike got me the job at The Core, I worked with him. Took me out to lunch on the first day. Developed a friendship with him and have been friends ever since. Hung out after work a bunch of times. I got angry with him once after my initial breakup with Kim, but apologized and got over it. Doesn't like to go out a lot though. Has been hanging out with a neighbor of his. A girl named Jackie. She seems pretty cool.

Marcin Sarna:

Met him at The Core. Wojo got him a job there. Didn't really talk to him much when he first started working there. Don't remember when I really started to be friendly with him. But eventually did. We went out to lunch a few times. Has a girlfriend and likes to party a lot. Not a really heavy drinker. Have only seen him at a club once. This past weekend. He's tried to help me through my times with Kim. He's a good guy.

Reggie Taylor:

Known him for years. We used to play basketball a lot when we were younger. Didn't talk for a long while after I started going out with Kim. He got me the job at RR Donnelly. I hate to say it, but he is kind of a flake. After introducing to Kim, she went on to insult him and myself for being friends with him. Some bullshit like "it tells a lot about a person depending on who they hang out with". I admit he did flake on the whole "car incident". Likes to play WoW a lot. Sometimes TOO much. Helped me level to 60 though. We always talk about working out again, but as of yet haven't been able to motivate myself to go.

Jaime Nadolny:

A girl that started working across from me last year. At first, Kim wanted to break up with me thinking that I would rather go out with her instead. She was pretty attractive and I couldn't help but check her out from time to time. Over the past year though I've come to think of her as just a friend/co-worker. She complains a lot about work and stuff. Sometimes it can be a little excessive. But she is cool and has tried to help/give advise on my ex woes. She has a boyfriend now and maybe deep down inside I am a little attracted to her. It won't go anywhere though.

Carmen Shelby:

My supervisor. She interviewed me when I started working at The Core. She's talks REALLY loud and is sometimes over-enthusiastic about things. Is pretty demanding and wants things done now, now, now! Some people are pissed off at the way she "pesters" them. I've never had any trouble with it. You just do what she asks and keep her up to date on your work and she's happy with it. She hired me after working temp for 2-3 months. Said I was a hard worker and didn't slack. Promoted me after I graduated ITT and has given me two raises since. Sometimes I find her midly attractive and even find myself checking her out sometimes. Wow, if anyone knew that they would probably think I was crazy. I've had a few intense dreams about her. Hmm...

Dan Kunkle:

Main programmer at The Core. Didn't talk much to him at all when I first started working there. Talked more after I "proved" myself and even more after I was promoted to System Administrator. Was kind of a grumpy and angry guy as we got more busy and seemed upset a lot until Chuck was hired. Has mellowed some and went golfing with him a few times. He's pretty cool now. Has asked if I was interested in fixing his wife's server for her business. Have yet to get back to him about that, but could definately use the money.

Brent Benfield:

Met him as a freshman in high school. Became friends and have stayed in contact ever since we graduated. We hang out and go to clubs sometimes and it's good to have him as a friend. He was on MTV's Next. I met the girl he chose and she was ok. He recently said that he has moved back home. I am looking forward to hanging out with him.

Audra Torvet:

Met her when I started working dayshift at Target. She always flirted with me and gave me advise on my relationship with Andrea. I was attracted to her, but held firm when I went down there to visit her one weekend. She was trying to seduce me and it worked to a point. I managed to resist her until the last 15 minutes when she started to give me a BJ while driving her back home. We have been in contact on and off since we stopped working there. She has stated on numerous occasions that she wanted to have sex. I gave excuses, some real, some lies. Last time we talked she was drunk and told me that her boyfriend got mad at her for talking to me.

Wojo Czarnieki:

Met him at The Core. Part of the "original 6" as I like to call it. Those included are myself, Matt, Alan, Bob Lopatka, and Mike Kamp. Likes to work out a lot. You could say obsessed. But he prides himself in his health and appearence. Has stated that he has been with a lot of girls. Always gives advise on health, girls, work, etc. Most of the time it's reasonable advise, but I might not always follow it. He has also tried helping me through my ex problems.

Katie Jaskierny:

Met her when she got hired to work at The Core. Didn't really talk or get to know her that well at first. Have talked to her more now. She has a boyfriend, works out, and smokes. She seems like a cool girl. Chuck stated that he was attracted to her, until he found out she had a long term boyfriend. She's not bad looking. If she didn't have a boyfriend and I was in better shape, I would probably try asking her out. She works in production with Kim and is a good worker.

Chris George:

My instructor at Superior. Wow, can you say a good guy or what. He's probably the best instructor you have ever met. I've seen is nice side and his military strict side. And I have to respect both. He is very determined in getting the class to succeed and goes the extra mile to help. But expects us to work in return. I talked to him about the ex when I told him I might drop the class because of it. He convinced me to stay and I am glad he did. I am proud to say that I am honored to be his student.

Kim Thorpe:

I should probably mention how I met Kim. I first met her at The Core and was not attracted to her until later on. I got the impression that she worked hard, was educated, and had a boyfriend. After a few months I began to find her attractive and started working out religously with the attempt to gather enough confidence to ask her out. Not long after she broke up with her boyfriend, I asked. She accepted and the first two months were bliss for me. Later on, after the whole accident with my groin and ED incident, she started seeing me as only a friend. Soon more problems developed. She started seeing her ex again, then we broke up. That's the short version. Maybe I'll go into more depth one day.


Well, that's about it for now. I'm still at work and need to go back, grab my internet equipment and drive back to the apartment.

Nothing new.

Studying at work again for class tonight. Studied a little bit last night for the first time in a while and it helped a little. I'm feeling a little better now that I'm staying with Kim again. I'm not 100%, I still would wish for something a little bit more. I often wonder if she is still talking and/or seeing her ex. I'm sure she is. I don't know what her intentions are for that and if she is sleeping with him or anything.

I've cut down on smoking considerably since I came back. One a day or half of one. Haven't been feeling to healthy lately. I need to start catching up on bills soon. Looking forward to class tonight with the hopes of getting out around 10pm. I have a dispatch clinical on Friday morning and that reminds me to tell Carmen about that.

Other than that, nothing is new.

She left him... AGAIN.

Kim called me Saturday night confirming whether or not I still wanted to meet up with her on Sunday. She sounded distraught and I told her yeah. After an awesome time Saturday night at Mike's birthday party, I met up with her on Sunday and she told me what I already thought. That she left him again. So, like a giddy fool, I quickly agreed to come back and stay with her. My pain eased and I felt a little better.

There was part of me that was longing for that and I am glad she is back. But there is still part of me that is hesitant of the whole thing. I'm almost positive she is still talking to him and almost positive she is still in love with him. But then why did she move out? I still think she is confused about what she wants. He can't give her that, but she still clings onto him. I can give her more, but she doesn't want me and I still cling on to her.

Brent called me today to let me know that he has moved back home for a while. That's great news. More club time. I definately need to go out more. Alan is working here full time so that is more good news. Now if I can only get back to the gym and get into shape, everything will start turning out good.

Overall though, I feel better. I just need to worry about my own health and bills. I have lots of them that I need to start paying.

Feeling sick.

Ate too much, smoked too much and now I'm not feeling good.

Class went well on Thursday. Better than I thought. Am going to meet with Kim possibly on Sunday. Still missing her, still thinking about her. Going out with Alan tomorrow night to Mike's birthday party. Hopefully will get pissed drunk and not remember anything.

Right now I'm not doing anything. Getting tired and might go to bed soon. Reggie is downstairs playing WoW. I find it boring and can't get into it. I'm a little depressed about not being with Kim still. I wonder how long this will go on for?

Sungard test went successful today. Went back to work to give Kim coffee and food, she left for a press ok before I got there. I was disappointed not to see her as I usually am. My abdomen is getting huge! God, why can't I stop eating and go to the gym? I'm so depressed!

Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

God, I can't take it. I miss her, she talks to me everyday like nothing has happened. She has forgot about me. She wants to talk to me this weekend about school and stuff. I'm going to tell her that I love her, but to never talk to me again. She is having sex with him every night. She is going to have his baby. She is moving out for good. I have lost her forever. She has forgotten about me. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't love me! She loves her ex, cuddles with him, watches TV, watches movies, reads, eats, has sex, he buys her new clothes.

She has forgotten about me! She doesn't love me! I have a huge test and practical in an hour! I'm so nervous. I'm going to pass out. I can't take it anymore. I want to die. The pain is too much. Please god, help me PLEASE! I am begging you I can't take this pain anymore. I love her so much, WHY CAN'T SHE COME BACK TO ME.

FUCK YOU GOD! YOU INTRODUCE ME TO A GIRL THAT HAS TREATED ME LIKE SHIT AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. WHY? WHY THE HELL HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME? I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING HORRIBLE TO ANYONE ELSE AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE WHY CAN'T I MEET A GOOD GIRL? WHY DID I FUCKING GET OUT OF SHAPE AGAIN, BUT HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO GO BACK TO THE GYM? THAT'S IT. I'M ENDING IT SOON. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so depressed!

God, I feel horrible today. I miss her so much. It's alot like what I said last time. If I block her out of my head for a day, she comes back into my head like a vengeance. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I'm so sad and I want to talk or call her, but I have to stay strong. No contact on my part. Or at least low contact since we work in the same office. I brought her coffee this morning. No reply or thank you. Just nothing. In a way, sometimes I wish she would call me so I could hear her voice. I miss her.

I smoked 3 cigarettes so far today. Every time I hear the word cancer I cringe. I have a feeling that I am going down the wrong path here ever since I started smoking. But I get so depressed sometimes it's like I don't even care. I don't think I'll ever get over this. The rejection, all the memories of being with her... everyhing. I haven't felt right since I left her. In a way I am sort of glad I said those horrible things. It made her less likely to call me and talk or hang out. All we would ever do anyway is argue. Sure it would be alright seeing her or talking to her, but I would start questioning about her boyfriend (notice I didn't say ex) and we would start arguing again.

I just want to go home and get away from her. I wish I could move on faster. But it is taking a lot longer than I thought. Seeing her walk around the office in new clothes that he probably bought for her. I'm so sad now it's hard for me to not cry here at work. Hopefully, when I get home I'll feel a little better. I don't know anymore.

She called me yesterday. I don't know why. I called her back later and asked her if she wanted coffee. Oh man. This isn't good at all. Thinking like this is only going to make things work. As soon as I get out of work tonight I'm going to force her out of my head again. Think of things that will keep me busy. Writing my thoughts down helps. I should probably back up my blog here in case something happens.

I need to study tonight. At least do one chapter and start writing down symptoms on my little note pad. I haven't talked to Dan about his wife's business. He asked last week about switching out her server before I got into my car accident. I'm a little nervous about it. But I could use the money. I need to pay bills.

I wish Audra would call. It would be cool to talk to her. Get my mind off of Kim. I miss playing Uno online with her at night. It's too bad her boyfriend yelled at her about me. I wish I could just meet a cool girl somewhere and get my mind off of Kim. I always say that I need to go to the gym. But I am so depressed and I have no motivation to go. I just want to go home and sulk or sleep. I've been eating a lot more too. I'm going to stop that. No more food for the rest of the night except maybe celery or carrots.

Well, another 30 minutes or so till work is done. Traffic looks horrible today and I am not looking forward to driving home in it. But I want to get out of here soon. I just tried calling Reggie. No answer.

God, I'm so depressed.

Thinking about her again.

I find myself thinking about Kim again. How I miss seeing her and hanging out with her. Yesterday I managed to block her out of my head for most of the day. But usually like when someone stops eating and then they binge, thoughts of her rush into my head and it's twice as hard to force them out. So, in the hopes of keeping her out I am going to post 20 cons about her.

1 - She never knew what she wanted.
2 - She had low self esteem.
3 - She still loved her ex after he treated her like shit.
4 - She never appreciated me being there for her.
5 - She used me to get back at her ex.
6 - She wasn't considerate of my wants, despite what she might think.
7 - She thought she was right about everything.
8 - She NEVER apologized for anything SHE caused.
9 - She kicked me out without even telling her other ex I lived there.
10 - She kicked me out so her current ex could move back in.
11 - She didn't want someone to be equal in a relationship. She wants a puppy.
12 - She doesn't know what she wants in a relationship.
13 - She cancelled any plans I made to go out with her on holidays to work. HER CHOICE.
14 - I was her rebound.
15 - She was using me as a backup in case going back to him fails.
16 - She is naive.
17 - She is a LIAR.
18 - She thinks she knows everything about the world because she reads it in a book.
19 - She is selfish.
20 - She never loved me. (Get that thought out of your head right now. She wasn't hinting at ANYTHING. Nothing nice or kind that you did would not sway her from feeling that you were better than him. She said she was HAPPIER with him. Fuck that! You were everything he wasn't and was better to her in the begining than anything else. Stop thinking that blowing up on her broke the rift anymore. It was already seperated and she had made her choice already. You are better than that. She is a inconsiderate bitch and you don't need her. She doesn't DESERVE to be YOUR friend!)


I've thought about her enough today. Now that I am done thinking about her I am going to block her out of my thoughts. I will go see Cloverfield again, maybe get something to eat, study, workout, play some WoW, then go to bed.

In the nick of time....

Audra called tonight. Just at a time when I started feeling really shitty about the whole Kim situation. I had been thinking alot about her recently and then unexpectedly she calls around 11:30 last night. It was good to hear from her and she apologized for not calling earlier. Apparently, she got into a fight with her boyfriend about talking to me and hasn't been able to call in a while.

The more I think about it, the more I have started to realize that with all these girls I am always the one they come to after fights with their boyfriends. In the case of Kim, she used me till she was done being upset at him and ran back. With Audra, there are similarities, but something is a little different. I don't think I could be in a relationship with her. First of all, she has two kids, and second I just don't think it would work. She does look attractive still and works out alot so she has a nice body. I think we could have fun together, but probably nothing more then FWB.

It does feel good that she called though. I was feeling a little depressed about things lately and it was good to talk to her. I do hope she calls more. I need to definately get in shape some more before I see her.

Uneventful ending.

I went over to Kim's and picked up my stuff. We didn't say a word to each other. She just put my stuff on the stairs and ran off before I could see her. I'm upset, sad, angry and depressed. That's all I am going to write about her tonight.

On the other hand. I saw Cloverfield. Good movie and I enjoyed it alot. I will probably see it again. Downloading it will be futile since it's so dark and every cam will suck ass. The end was a little sad, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. I'm trying to keep busy this weekend. Well, I think I'm done.

Getting ready for bed.

Well, Wednesday night I got into my first car accident. I got hit from behind on Ogden road. My head snappened back and I still feel sore in the back of my neck. My back bumper got dented and smashed in pretty good. But luckily everything is going to be paid for by insurance. When I got home last night I was feeling pretty shitty. Both physically and emotionally.

On the physical side, my neck ached. On the emotional side, I started missing Kim. Some days are better than others and yesterday sucked. Tonight I kind of miss her. But I'm optimistic about the future and hopefully I'll get over this quicker.

It was nice to hear from my friends from work today asking how I was doing. It feels comforting to know that my friends care for me. Kim didn't call at all. And I thought that she didn't give a shit. But she did call at around 5:30pm after work.

There's this girl in my EMT-B class that is pretty hot. She's asian too. I haven't spoke much to her, but I wish I could get to know her a little better. It's too bad that she is constantly surrounded by guys all the time. That and I am a bit nervous everytime she talks to me. She knows my name and has greeted me on occasion. I wish I wasn't so shy and quiet. We still got about two months till we graduate so I am hoping to get to know her a little better before we graduate. I need to lose a little more weight too.

I'm watching Michael Clayton on my laptop right now as I write this. What a good movie. George Clooney is a good actor and I loved the ending to this. I can't wait till Cloverfield comes out tomorrow. I think I'll go watch it tomorrow night.

Oh, I forgot about Jaime's sister's birthday party. I don't really want to go, but Jaime wants me to. I wouldn't mind going out there, but I just want to hang out tomorrow. Lately, I've been thinking about her in a different way. Ever since Kim went back to that dipshit, all bets are off concerning how good of a character she is. At first I agreed with what Kim would say about her, but now I could give a rats ass.

She's got a nice body and I would go out with her if she didn't have a boyfriend. Doesn't look like Reggie is coming down. When I got home he called and wanted to know if I would come back up to pick him up. I didn't feel like it since I was home and he said he would be down. I didn't think he would. If there's one thing about Reggie it's that he flakes out... A LOT. That's why it is so hard to count on him.

I've got to drive out to Fox Valley and get my car looked at by Allstate. Then I'll go in to work. My neck and back feel a little weird right now and I am getting tired. I think I'll get ready for bed, watch a little more of this movie, maybe even re-watch some parts of Rounders. Which is another great movie, then go to bed.

Studying at work... again.

Well, procrastination is always the case it seems. I always wait till the last minute to do something. I had another chat with my instructor after I took the midterm yesterday and he said he was impressed by me and saw a lot of potential. I don't know. I just don't see it. Maybe it's because no one has ever said that to me before outside of my family. I'll have to wait and see. He even mentioned me coming back as an instructor. Now I definately do not see that! But it was a nice suggestion.

I still need to go over chapter 22 environmental emergencies. Which is about another 23 pages, plus homework. Last night I was playing World of Warcraft with Reggie and some other friends online. I have to admit, it felt good to be with my friends. Though I really didn't do anything for myself in the game. In regards to leveling up to 60. I did help Reggio and his brother Mario as well as some guy named Chris on some missions. I haven't worked out in almost two weeks now though and I need to get back in to that.

Kim called again last night. I never got a chance to go over there since she supposedly had her phone on silence (yeah right). And didn't get back to me till after I had passed by her place. I told her another time, but then she called back later that night to tell me what was on TV again.

I still have mixed feelings towards what I want to do with that whole mess. I am still upset and going over there, while part of me would want to stay, part of me wants to be done with it. She has chosen (for now at least) that she wants to go back to her ex. I guess everytime I think about that I get upset. Maybe I should use that to stop myself from going over there and being so friendly. At least she dropped my student ID off this morning at work.

Well, I should get back to studying for tonight. Chris said that there was going to be a sort of Jeopardy game tonight. Now that I have made myself known to him, I have this feeling that he is going to pick on me. I hope not. Other people need to learn too.

Funny how things change... or stay the same.

Not even 24 hours after I made my last post she calls me...

She wants an apology.

Yeah, I feel bad for what I did, but the way she explains things it is entirely my fault. Uh, no. Sorry. Not ENTIRELY my fault. Sure I'll take some of the blame. I did lose my temper and aside from physically striking her (which at one point I came seriously close to doing. Thank god I had restraint) I verbally abused the hell out of her. Honestly though, I don't take anything back. Sure I'm sorry, but I do not feel that I am wrong in this.

So I give her an apology and tell her that she should never forgive me, should never speak to me again. She hangs up.

She calls back.

I answer and she tells me that she wants to know if I want my stuff back, but she wants me to come over and get it. We talk and argue some more. She wants a more "meaningful" apology. I give her a half assed one. She hangs up.

She calls back.

I answer and she says she is going to just toss my stuff. I tell her that I will give her shirt back, but she doesn't want it. I tell her that she can do whatever she feels like doing, but I'm still giving her shirt back. Some more arguing ensues. She hangs up.

She calls back.

I answer and we start talking and things calm down a bit. She wants me to come over and get my stuff. She still doesn't give a shit about the shirt. We start to sound more civil. We say bye and hang up.

She calls back.

She tells me she is watching TV and One Tree Hill is on. I turn it on and watch the episode. I tell her I'm at my friends house and she says she will let me go since I'm busy. I tell her it's ok. We talk for a second, then she says she will call me after the show.

I call her after the show.

I ask what she is doing, that I am studying. She is watching Fresh Prince. She asks why I called. (...ok?) I tell her that I thought she wanted me to call her after the show. We talk about something (don't remember) there's a moment of silence, then I say I'll let her go.

She calls back.

She tells me Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets is on. She tells me to watch it. I do and call her back after the movie. I tell her I like it and she agrees that it was a good movie. She says she's in bed and I tell her I'll see her tomorrow.

So today I don't know what's going to happen. She tells me she doesn't want to talk to me at all at/outside of work. Yeah, that's what I said in the begining. Yet she calls me nonstop. I don't know what the hell is going on through that girls head. She is so damn confused on what she wants. Why did she not just go over to his place. Saying she is sick is an excuse so there is something else there.

I get the feeling that she still wants me in her life somewhere. But I am probably fucking wrong and today will be the last time we speak. If at all. As of right now she hasn't come to work. So I don't know if she is on a press ok or what.

*BIG SIGH*

We'll see what happens.

It is officially over now between us.

Yesterday I made it official. After finding out that she is going back to him (again), that she's more happy with him, I flipped out. I got so angry that I yelled at her and lost my temper. I called her every name in the book. Whore, slut, bitch, etc. I told her never to call or talk to me ever again.

Of course she called me back again then hung up saying he was better than me. Whatever, how typical of her to say that then ignore her calls.

Do I think I could have handled it a little better? Possibly, but all of this has just built up over time that I just exploded. Part of me misses her, but I'm sure I'll get over it. She was not happy with me. I did not want to just be her friend. There are plenty of other girls out there, I just have to work for it now.

So long bitch. It's been hell over the past year. I'm glad you are out of my life.

I'm an idiot.

Kim isn't feeling to good today and left work early to go home sick. I told her I would buy her medicine and soup and she responds by saying, "Why?" To help you feel better, dumbass! Then she says something like she can leave the apartment if I am afraid of getting sick. Did brain cells just die in her head due to this sickness? What the hell good is saying that to me after everything we went through to get her BACK and away from him? It's coming to a point here where she needs to fucking decide what she wants to do. I already know ithe answer. She's going back to him.

It's innevitable. I'm only in denial to think otherwise. I am a complete fucking idiot to stay friends with her. I know everything is wrong here, but I must be a masochist because I just can't leave. I found an interesting post in a relationship forum that I visit often. A lot of what it says is good advice.

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

Then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you . LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!

If you U have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past....LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and but you want to 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. It's time to do a new thing for 2008!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left ...

I don't know what is in store for this weekend. But I have a sense of foreboding that it won't be good.

Another day.

Well, after my discussion with my instructor yesterday he helped convince me to stick with the class. Now I have a lot of catching up to do. It was a good talk and I'm glad I did it. It also feels good that Kim is back. But she said something this morning that brought all those negative feelings back. The ex wants her to move back in this weekend.

I wanted to light a cigarette so bad. I got that nervousness in my stomach and it shot my mood down. Now I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought she was done with him, but she still doesn't know what to do. I don't understand why she won't just let go. Maybe for the same reasons why I won't let her go. I miss her and she misses him. But at least she doesn't try to control everything I do. He's not understanding at all to what she wants and it's only after she leaves that he "let's" her have her way.

Well, she's an idiot if she goes back to him. I just hope she decides not to. If she does again, I know it will be one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I am going to have to let her go. The pain of it is so hard. I don't know what I could do. Tell her I love her still, but that I respect her decision. Maybe do what he never could. Let her go. I'm not saying that she will come back, but maybe something good will come of it.

When all is said though, I hope it never comes to that. Talking and seeing him, while I don't like it is one thing. Dating and going back to him is another.

I feel like shit and don't want to go to class. But Chris was right. There is life after the relationship and while it ended long ago. I need to move on and do things for myself rather then do things for other people.

Falling apart again.

More Kim drama.

It seems after she went back to her ex, he refused to let her keep her apartment so she left and came back. Last night she went over to get her stuff and was over there for about two hours after work. Then came home. I don't know if they had sex or not, but I think they might have. Picturing the act makes me sick. I still don't feel comfortable about the whole situation. I don't know where this is all leading to. I'm getting tired of feeling this way all the time.

I dropped out of my EMT-B class because of this. I just couldn't concentrate on homework and studying. After screwing up numerous times at work over simple things, I started freaking out about what would happen if I screwed up on a call and someone died because of my inept ability to get over my personal problems. I find that it's hard for me to leave. But I just don't want to screw up. I'm going to go meet with Chris George, my instructor, today and talk about my decision.

Everyday it's the same. Wondering what she is doing with him. Picturing them together. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I still love her. I still care for her. And I still want to be with her. Why can't I move on? If it was meant not to be then why haven't I found another girl yet? I just wish I could be with someone that would appreciate everything that I would do for her.

Last weekend I was crying over this in my car. Just flat out crying like a baby. The tears that came out felt good. I did it once more that day, but other than that... nothing.

Well, it's official. She went back to him.

She dropped the bomb on me over the past weekend and confirmed it New Years Eve. I was devestated. I have done everything I could to be a better man, but in the end it wasn't enough. She chose the lesser. A clingy, possessive old geezer. There must be something there that I don't have *cough* money *cough*. I said I would stay friends, but I don't know anymore. I am going to try and keep my distance. She wants to go out to eat, but I won't hold my breath. Hopefully, something will come up and we won't have to go. I just want to get away.

It's a new year and I'm ready to call it quits. I broke down yesterday. Twice. I made sure no one was around and just let the tears flow. I needed it. It felt good. So much emotion built up over this situation and I let it release. I'm sure there's more to come. I hate being back home. I just want to be alone sometimes. I can't really do anything when I leave except just try to go out and do stuff. I can't play games. That won't help. Working out does though and I guess I have that to look forward to. Losing weight and looking better. I need to stop smoking before it's too late.

I hope and pray to God that this works out in the end. That there's something else for me. I can only hope that he has a plan for me. As for what it could be, I have absolutely no clue. I keep thinking about hunting that asshole down and just killing him. Then she could NEVER go back to him. But I would be in jail and away from her forever. But would that be worth it? She would meet someone better than that fucker.

I know it's horrible to think that way, I need to get a girlfriend and then I won't even give a shit about her problems anymore.