In perspective.

Some things you try to look pass. Not care or look into them as much. I've done that a lot lately with things, my relationship, my job, the people I hang out with. If I was to stop and really think about the things I do, I don't know if I would really like where I was.

So how did I get here? When I stop and think about it I know exactly where it stemmed from. That's right, the thorn in my side... Kim. It begins and probably will end with her. I would think that it started with Andrea, but I don't think it did. I know it went to shit in the end with her, but that was it. I guess I wanted to prove something to her even though we were through. I wanted to get away and forget about her and this is where I've ended up because of it. I guess I should thank her for my move. But there is still a part of me that wishes things happened differently.

I was talking to Jessica last night about gut feelings. I knew something was going on with Kim and I knew something was going on with Andrea. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Katie's relationships with her guyfriends are... a little... odd. At least to people she doesn't know. Now I think I can tell why James gave me that weird look when I mentioned Chris. Katie would hold his hand or put her hand on his leg, and to other people they would be like... um... WTF? And I am wondering if she did that when they were all out.

It's hard to explain to people. Even to myself sometimes. I guess that's why when I didn't even want to go and hang out with them because of all of that. So she could be all over him or whatever. Yet she gets upset when I'm not out then does that. That's the kind of stuff I didn't even want to see. But I don't care about that anyways. I don't know... to me it seems disrespectful. But I knew about that coming into this. I'm done right now. I gotta go.

So much is going on through my head right now. I'm thinking about so much shit it's not even funny and it kind of worries me. I want to be near her, but at the same time I don't even want to look at her. I love her, but I'm pissed off at her. Do I love her? Honestly, I don't know what the word means. I've never been head over heels in love with someone. I don't know where my problems started. Everything was fine on Thursday night. Woke up, said goodbye. That was it. Then when I came home and she wasn't there. That's where it started I guess. Oh, she said she would go see a movie with her brother that was it. I guess that upset me a little since she would never go with me to one.

Then our mini-argument about Kim. Then Jessica mentioned the whole holding hands thing with her and Chris. That got me thinking about her last day in Chicago and what my gut tells me. Something I could never confront her about. But I just have this feeling. Now I don't even want to look at her. I want to go out and be on my own tonight. Just go to the Taphouse and have a few drinks. Next week is going to be busy and I won't hardly see her again. I'll just do my own thing again.

I want to go see a movie, but I don't have the cash. Don't know what I want to do. I want to go in there and lay next to her, but at the same time I don't. I don't know what I'm thinking. I've been feeling antsy all day and I can't talk to her about my problems. She doesn't have good advice and she doesn't make me feel good when I'm down. I guess maybe that's what it means to be in love. When you feel that no matter how bad things get, the other person will be there to comfort and hold you and just make you feel real good. Katie doesn't do that.