6/12/09

Moving today. Got my new laptop on Wednesday thank god. Katie has so much stuff to pack. She's got like 50 pairs of shoes whereas I only have 3. Work is getting busier which is good. Still have no benefits though, that sucks. And still looking for another job. Sometimes I think I should have kept that other contract job. Now that I got my laptop I can start studying again for my certs. I NEED those. I hope the new apartment has a free wifi spot somewhere. Biking around Seattle is cool. I need to get street tires though. Biking with my mountain bike tires wears me out faster and I have to stop and rest every 10 miles or so.

No job scheduled for today, so I think I'm going to finish packing some stuff. I have to work tomorrow and Sunday so that's good. Need more money. I saw Terminator and Up this week. They weren't too bad. I'm probably going to go out and get some food in a few. I'm hungry.

In perspective.

Some things you try to look pass. Not care or look into them as much. I've done that a lot lately with things, my relationship, my job, the people I hang out with. If I was to stop and really think about the things I do, I don't know if I would really like where I was.

So how did I get here? When I stop and think about it I know exactly where it stemmed from. That's right, the thorn in my side... Kim. It begins and probably will end with her. I would think that it started with Andrea, but I don't think it did. I know it went to shit in the end with her, but that was it. I guess I wanted to prove something to her even though we were through. I wanted to get away and forget about her and this is where I've ended up because of it. I guess I should thank her for my move. But there is still a part of me that wishes things happened differently.

I was talking to Jessica last night about gut feelings. I knew something was going on with Kim and I knew something was going on with Andrea. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Katie's relationships with her guyfriends are... a little... odd. At least to people she doesn't know. Now I think I can tell why James gave me that weird look when I mentioned Chris. Katie would hold his hand or put her hand on his leg, and to other people they would be like... um... WTF? And I am wondering if she did that when they were all out.

It's hard to explain to people. Even to myself sometimes. I guess that's why when I didn't even want to go and hang out with them because of all of that. So she could be all over him or whatever. Yet she gets upset when I'm not out then does that. That's the kind of stuff I didn't even want to see. But I don't care about that anyways. I don't know... to me it seems disrespectful. But I knew about that coming into this. I'm done right now. I gotta go.

So much is going on through my head right now. I'm thinking about so much shit it's not even funny and it kind of worries me. I want to be near her, but at the same time I don't even want to look at her. I love her, but I'm pissed off at her. Do I love her? Honestly, I don't know what the word means. I've never been head over heels in love with someone. I don't know where my problems started. Everything was fine on Thursday night. Woke up, said goodbye. That was it. Then when I came home and she wasn't there. That's where it started I guess. Oh, she said she would go see a movie with her brother that was it. I guess that upset me a little since she would never go with me to one.

Then our mini-argument about Kim. Then Jessica mentioned the whole holding hands thing with her and Chris. That got me thinking about her last day in Chicago and what my gut tells me. Something I could never confront her about. But I just have this feeling. Now I don't even want to look at her. I want to go out and be on my own tonight. Just go to the Taphouse and have a few drinks. Next week is going to be busy and I won't hardly see her again. I'll just do my own thing again.

I want to go see a movie, but I don't have the cash. Don't know what I want to do. I want to go in there and lay next to her, but at the same time I don't. I don't know what I'm thinking. I've been feeling antsy all day and I can't talk to her about my problems. She doesn't have good advice and she doesn't make me feel good when I'm down. I guess maybe that's what it means to be in love. When you feel that no matter how bad things get, the other person will be there to comfort and hold you and just make you feel real good. Katie doesn't do that.

Another crappy sunday.

Well, I found out about a lie last night. You'll know what it is when you read this. For some reason I don't like re-iterating painful experiences. I just want them to be done. I guess I am chronicling them because someday I will look back on these experiences and say "what the fuck was I doing?". Attention whore was having a blast yesterday. I'm not really in the mood to talk with her right now. I'm sure she'll go out and whore herself around today. I am not going to bring it up, unless specifically asked, but I am just going to deal with it on my own. I am getting tired of being the one that is always affectionate with fucking nothing in return.

So I'll see how long it takes for her to come around, which I am guessing is NEVER. She'll just wait for me to explain myself, which I am probably not going to do. My friendship with Kim is once again on the brink of collapse. You'll know about that too. It's always the same thing. I am glad that I came out here though. At least I made an effort to try things on my own. Yeah my family helps me out now and then, but for the most part I'm on my own. That was part of a sign. I just hope that if it's in God's plan for me to leave, that I am brought forth information or I see something that will totally break my trust, that's NOT my fault, and then I can leave.

I'm so broke and my fucking paycheck did not come Friday or Saturday because the fucking mail sucks here. It takes so long to get something. Once again, Katie is whoring herself over the phone, desperate for attention.

After Valentine's Day

So yesterday was a really fun day. It started Friday night and is still going good today. Katie wasn't feeling too good on Friday after we went to the Taphouse. But I helped her out as best that I could. I got her flowers and hid them in the car so that I could surprise her. Saturday morning I cut them and put them in a vase for her. Then later we went to Snoqualmie and got some of those great sandwiches there. After we came back, we went to see that movie, Confessions of a Shopaholic. It was a cute movie and she really liked it. Then we went across the street to Cheesecake Factory and I bought her a Snickers cheesecake. Then we went to the Taphouse again and got some drinks. All in all, it was a fun day. She really liked it and I was glad it was a good Valentine's Day for her.

Right now we've just been relaxing at home and playing some games. Probably go to bed early tonight for work tomorrow. We went shopping at Fred Meyer today which is like a Meijer back at home. Cheap prices and we bought a lot of food. Kim sent me a text today that was meant for her mom, she was at Caribou with douchebag. She fucked up and sent it to me. Then she started texting me like crazy apologizing and tried calling, but I didn't pick up. I'll call her later, but it just proves more how glad I am that we're not together.

Got to go!

Tuesday night.

Worked at Subway today since I got no calls. The calls from Werner haven't come in at all and I am grateful for that since I am hoping to get more from DHI. A call was cancelled for tomorrow and I am a little bummed about that since I was looking forward for a little more money. Other than that everything is going ok. There is the whole thing tomorrow with happy hour that I am concerned and still a little upset about. But I am working on it. I need to trust, but I wish I could fucking cut those fucking assholes hearts out and shove it in their mouths while they are still breathing. FUCK THEM.

Anyways, I will probably go to the Taphouse tomorrow and get a little drunk again. Maybe Jessica will want to go hang out or something. I'll ask her tomorrow if she wants to. We shall see what happens.

Monday night.

Went to my first tech call with Art today. It was a very rewarding experience and I learned a lot. Things didn't go so smooth and it was a good learning experience to see how Art figured out how to get passed them. I also went to the highest building in Seattle and got to see the sky view. It was fucking sweet! I also asked him if you can make a good living off of the job and he just said that he bought a new car based off of the job he is now working with.

I can't wait to start making more money so that I can get on top of my bills. These past 3 months have been hell for me and I have been slacking a lot, but now there is a glimpse of hope and I can't wait to get moving on them. Katie and I are doing good, as far as I know. Things are getting back to normal again. I was a complete ass before and I never want to go through that again. I'll wait and see how things go, as far as our next fight is concerned. Then there's the whole going out with other guys thing too.

I'm also losing more weight so that is a good thing. I can't wait for my pants to start getting even more loose. I'm not even working out right now and I am still losing weight. It's fantastic! Well, that's all I can think of today. I guess I'll get backed to this tomorrow.

5:34pm
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So, I just had the worst nightmare of my whole life and I thought I should write it down while it is still fresh in my mind...

I was sleeping in bed and for some reason was completely cloaked by Death himself. He was slowly smothering me to death and I could hear his voice. I couldn't breath and his black cloak was enveloping me and suffocating me. I "woke up" from this dream and was in bed with Katie. She woke up and I tried telling her what happened. I saw Death standing above me and lunged for the floor, but he really wasn't there. My heart was racing, Katie was upset and angry. I started praying and rocking back and forth. Katie was asking what was wrong with me. I turned to her and a stuffed skunk or some animal turned to her and started screaming at a high pitch noise. (Even typing it is sending chills down my back) So she starts screaming horribly and we bolt from the room. Her brother is in the shower, so we head for the bathroom, she's still screaming, the world is evil and something is coming to get us, I go to pull the shower curtains back... and I wake up. The fear in my mind and my shaking body made this the worst dream I ever had. I was even afraid to go back to sleep.

I just got up to kind of clear my head. Well, I think that is enough. Believe it or not we have only been asleep for about 2 1/2 hours. I'm going to try to go back to bed now.

Sunday afternoon.

Just got off work from Subway. I started the contracting jobs this week. Both of them. I will probably have to quit one by the end of next week but I would like to keep them all if I could. After a couple weeks, hopefully, the money should start rolling in. Katie and I are about to go to the Taphouse. Last night we got stiffed on our drinks since the bartender lady was being a bitch. Hopefully, we don't get her tonight, but at least Katie has her 50 dollar gift card that can be cashed in. I have to go back to Subway tonight and lock the door for her tonight when she leaves.

I saw He's Just Not That In To You yesterday with Katie. It was a cute movie, had a few laughs. Right now I am feeling ok about things between us. The last couple months have been a little sketchy and delicate and I have been walking on egg shells up until recently. Ok, gotta go right now. I'll be back to this after a minute.

Thursday afternoon.

Katie went out last night. Don't know where, don't know who with. I assume she went out with some guys. Tried to be intimate with her again last night. Turned down again. Didn't take her to the gym today, I just stayed in bed when she woke up. I don't know where this is going. Last night sucked. Got drunk though. Didn't ask her where she went, I don't give a shit. All I hope for is if she leaves me for someone else, that she do it sooner rather than later. Or I find out she's cheating and have an excuse to leave. I don't trust her. She likes to flirt and is naive to it no matter how she looks at it. She likes attention from guys, she needs attention from other people, she needs people around her.

Don't know what's going to happen today. I'd rather not see her at all today. We need some space. As much as I don't like it, I'd rather not see her till this weekend. I cleaned up the front room and kitchen a little. Worked out everything with DHInternational. No other calls from Varicom. And there was NO WAY in HELL I was going to Subway today. I had too much to sort through. Worried about bills, girlfriend (or whatever we are), car being reposessed, where I'm going to live, Kim, my family, friends, my credit, my future. All because I came out here to be with her. I risked everything and have gotten nothing in return.

I know what the right decision to make is. But I'm not going to do it. This will come to a head soon. I can feel the walls closing around me. You've been warned Eric. You know if something doesn't pick up soon and you haven't done what you need to, that it's over.

You've been warned.

Monday night.

So I pretty much did nothing today besides a few calls. I tried talking to Katie about me staying here and got the same response pretty much. I guess I have nothing to do but wait. I also have realized that I will ALWAYS be second best. No matter who I am with or where I go, I will never amount to anything more than just 2nd. I try a lot and want to be the best boyfriend, but I will always be upsurped by someone. The loving smiles are gone, the hugs and kisses, the affection is just non-existent. I am just here. Just another person with nothing to offer.

I am alone. And I really just need to accept that fact. I think that if I start to realize that completely and accept it for who I am and what I will become that things will be better. My headache has not gone away for a few days, I lost my medication, and I get no remorse. No "Are you ok?" No "Is there anything I can do for you?" Just "I don't want to stay up all night and worry that you are going to collapse."

Yeah, thanks. I miss being home sometimes. I wish I never came out here so soon. I wish things were different, but they never will be. I am who I am and I will never be anything more to anyone. The only time in my life that I felt important was when I was EMT training. I don't regret not going completely into it. I made the right choice there I believe and am sticking to that. It was a great time.

Kim... what do I say about her? Is there anything really to say? Do I still love her? Do I still care for her and want to be with her? I love and care for her as a friend and nothing more. I believe that we could live together and be together forever, both of us alone in our existence and I would be truly happy. I have no "spark" or connection with Katie any more. There's simply hardly anything there.

I don't know what else I can do to try and salvage this. I guess I should just fade out like I always do. I get boring when people truly get to know me. I am surprised that Kim likes me so much. We are such loners and can sit next to each other without saying a word and are both happy. I can't do that here. When nothing happens, NOTHING happens.

And I feel empty and alone more than anything else. I can think of nothing else to do. There's nothing else I can do. There's ABSOLUTELY nothing FUCKING ELSE I CAN DO! So let me lament...

I am 2nd best.
Nobody likes me.
I'm going to lose.
Maybe I should smile more... I have my whole life ahead of me!

Let me look back a year and see where I was last year this time and try to find out where I was emotionally and if I was happy.

That's the good thing about this site and my journal. I can look back on everything that has happened in my life and see if anything has improved at all. Right now Katie is trying to find out her cousin's age or something and doesn't know excatly her age or something. We are probably going to go to bed soon. I want to go out and just forget about things. I am going to drone on about stuff, because I have nothing else to do.

Ok, I think I am going to go look back now. I'm going to say one thing right now. Women have secrets, secrets they won't tell someone they so called "care" about. Flirting, kissing, talking about stuff or about other people. I'm not going into details about things, because it pains me too much. I guess looking back at this you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Wednesday night.

Lost is on tonight! THE SEASON 5 PREMERE! I'm recording it tonight so I can watch it tomorrow WITHOUT commercials. I CAN NOT wait! I just went to work today and had an ok day. Katie's neck is doing better I think and the pain is getting less day after day. I've done all that I can to make it better other than having her go see a doctor. I told her to lay on her back, I told her to keep her neck in a neutral position, I put Icy Hot on her neck, I massaged it, I put a cool pad on it, she put a heating pad on it, we did whatever we could and now it seems to be getting better.

I got a job as a field service technician last week and I finished emailing/faxing all the information over to that guy in Florida. He has started getting me contract jobs out here so I can make some money. Hopefully, after Stephanie orders my equipment, I can start working on my own. I've tried almost every avenue on my own with interviews and other jobs, but after at least 15 different interviews, I have been passed over too many times. So maybe this is better that I work on my own. At least I can learn new technologies and skills without having someone breathing down my neck. The other thing too is that I only get paid once a month, but the pay could be a lot of money depending on how many jobs this guy can get for me. I'm a little pessimistic about it, but I'm hoping I can get something out of this. I NEED money bad. My bills are getting WAY behind and I need something soon or I'm totally fucked.

Katie and I have made up after almost two weeks after I fucked up and yelled at her. Things have sort of gone back to normal. Kim has been calling me and talking to me a lot. She wants to eventually come out and visit me and live here. We shall see. I need to get my own place soon so that I can at least be on my own. Whether Katie comes with me or not remains to be seen. I would like to have a pet (cat or dog) I can't have a cat around Katie, since she is allergic. Speaking of which I found out some interesting information last weekend, something that I will have to come back later, I still need to discuss our fight that we went through, but I am going to leave that for another night.

I have to go back to Subway tomorrow. Which SUCKS, but what can you do? I need to make some kind of money so that I can at least get some things on my own. My eyes are fucking up right now because I need to take my contacts out. Boston Legal is on TV, I tried to change it to the Lost special before the premere, but the TV is kind of fucked up.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed. Peace out.

Tuesday night.

Had a couple interviews this week so far with one on Friday too. I think my chances are good for getting at least one of these jobs. I still work at Subway and it is a little extra money in my wallet. Right now I am sitting on the couch watching One Tree Hill. I just got done watching Gossip Girl. For some reason it interests me, I find that it's very cheesy and campy, but entertaining. If anyone knew that I was watching this, they would ridicule me. I miss watching Rescue Me. That is a good show and they're problems are more real and outrageous then these shows. Plus, they can be a little more racy.

I need to go out and get a haircut and will probably do that in few after One Tree Hill. I also want to stop by Cheesecake Factory and get a Snickers cheesecake for Katie. There's a whole big deal behind that and right now I think we're walking on thin ice. Yeah, a lot of it is my fault. But, I've got to try to fix things. I'll go more into detail about the infamous Saturday night. Right now, at least we're being civil. I hope I get some calls for the interview on Monday. I NEED something and want to get my own place. Well, enough for now.

Tuesday night.

Well, I have a job right now. And I'm working at Subway with Katie. At least it is some money to get at the moment. Until I can find something better. My money is running lower than ever and I need some kind of income before I can go out and do anything else. At least I always have the option of going to San Francisco or back home. Yesterday I hung around the apartment with Katie and her brother and we played Mario Kart 64. I owned everyone. Right now Katie is making a call outside and having a smoke. I don't know what to do right now. I have to work tomorrow at 10am at Subway. I'm not working full 8 hour shifts, but I'm getting just a few hours here and there. Well, I'm about done for the night. Probably going to watch some of Katie's shows then go to bed.

I talked to Kim today and she told me that it is possible that her kidneys are failing. I feel bad for her. I miss her too. Well, I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Saturday morning.

Another argument. She's taking me for granted, but doesn't realize this. I feel neglected. I'm tired of the animosity. Still no job, still no calls. She lives on fucking myspace and facebook. She doesn't start conversations. She is not affectionate. I'm tired of trying to make this work. Kim wants me to come back. I find myself constantly thinking about her. Our conversations flow easier and we are very friendly. I miss her. I don't like Katie. I wish I had somewhere else to go. I need another job. Maybe that will fix this mess. I just don't know anymore.

I want to leave.