That feeling of loss and depression is starting to slowly sink in regarding Kim and her dipshit friend staying over. He never called her and was 5 hours late. Doesn't carry a cellphone and expected to stay FOREVER. What a dumbass. Kim was pissed off, but then let it all slide once he called. I don't think she is as upset with him as she makes it seems and I can't help but take everything she says about him with a grain of salt.
The passed few days haven't been so bad, but now it seems my wall is starting to crumble as more time and time passes. It doesn't look like he will be leaving before New Years and I wanted to hang out with Kim then. I left her my cable modem so he could find tickets, but as far as last night nothing has happened. He better find something soon.
I'm starting to feel depressed about the whole situation and I'm finding it harder and harder to not think about it. Good news is I did well on my mod 3 test last night as well as my practical. I barely studied. But I've retained a lot since then. Steph flies in tonight. I need to clean and go out and by an ornament. I don't know what to get. I miss hanging out with Kim and while seeing my friends is good, I miss seeing her and just chilling around the apartment.
I need to just cut all contact and get her out of my mind. This sucks. I don't know what I am going to do to keep myself so busy. I suppose I should start working out. That would probably help a lot, but it gets so hard to just drop everything and go to the gym.
I should get to the mall and start getting stuff for tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I did ok.
Well, I passed the practical ok and I think I at least passed the mod 2 exam. I still haven't completed my vital signs and have yet to schedule my BLS class. I'm still procrastinating and studying the night before. Why can't I stop that? I need to get this stuff done and start scheduling my ride time and get that out of the way.
I know the money in this field isn't that great and as time goes on, the more I worry about it. I like computers and just wished that things had turned out differently for that school. There wasn't really any emphasis on hands on work and lecturing for hours on end doesn't help at all and gets dry and stale. I came into this wanting to do volunteer work primarily or part time. If everything turns out well, I might go into nursing or something similar. Maybe even an x-ray technician. They get paid a lot. It's not all about the money, but I'm getting tired of living paycheck to paycheck.
I know the money in this field isn't that great and as time goes on, the more I worry about it. I like computers and just wished that things had turned out differently for that school. There wasn't really any emphasis on hands on work and lecturing for hours on end doesn't help at all and gets dry and stale. I came into this wanting to do volunteer work primarily or part time. If everything turns out well, I might go into nursing or something similar. Maybe even an x-ray technician. They get paid a lot. It's not all about the money, but I'm getting tired of living paycheck to paycheck.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Practical in about an hour!
I'm freaking out! I've practiced a bunch of times, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or that I missed studying over something. Also, my BP bulb has a hole in it and is now leaking air. I'm going to have to ask the instructor for a new one.
I'm more worried about the practical then the actual written exam. I'm so nervous. When I read this again I'm going to be satisfied that all of this is over with and I will be going on to the next step I hope that I do well and can get a descent grade on the practical. My overall grade right now is an 88% but I hope to improve it. I don't think I did well on the test last night. Hope I do better today. I have to study more! That's what it comes down to.
Study, study, study! I have such a problem with that and always procrastinate. Remember Eric, study lots beforehand!
I'm more worried about the practical then the actual written exam. I'm so nervous. When I read this again I'm going to be satisfied that all of this is over with and I will be going on to the next step I hope that I do well and can get a descent grade on the practical. My overall grade right now is an 88% but I hope to improve it. I don't think I did well on the test last night. Hope I do better today. I have to study more! That's what it comes down to.
Study, study, study! I have such a problem with that and always procrastinate. Remember Eric, study lots beforehand!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
EMT-B exam today.
Well, in about an hour and a half, I'll be in class anxiously awaiting the 100 question test.
Did I study hard? No.
Am I comfortable taking the test? No.
Did I do good on the practice exam? Sort of.
Will I pass? Not with the grade I would hope.
While I did good on the last quiz (got an A) I am mostly using the knowledge that I've obtained over the course of the last three weeks instead of studying diligently over the past week. I managed to read through the four chapters that we are going to have it on today at work. I feel like I still need more work. I'm a little worried about the vital signs sheet since I haven't completed any of it. I'll try and get some from some of the classmates before class starts.
My tire got a flat on Saturday night and Kim is driving me to class. I dropped ITT, since it sucks, and am focusing on the EMT class. Hopefully it will keep me busy and I won't be too worried about Kim when her ex comes to stay with her in a couple weeks. I'm stressing about that and I hope I can get through it ok. I've also been gaining a lot of weight recently as my clothes are getting tighter and tighter. I need to start working out again and getting back into shape.
Another turn of events is that I've started smoking. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last blog, it's been a while, but I started it to help ease my stress. I know it's not healthy, but my life is fucked up right now and I can't think of anything good. Work here at The Core isn't going too great. I did manage to switch everyone over to the new server without too much trouble, but now trying to connect the two domains together through a VPN across two NAT's is getting hard.
Carmen wants an answer soon and I don't have one. I've done just about everything I know how to do. I sacrificed working on it today to study. I hope I do ok. As usual, I have feelings of anxiety and nervousness walking into the class. Once I get there, everything seems ok. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm spending it with Kim. Someday I hope to look back at this year as a turning point in my life. A few years ago it was motivating myself to go back to school and loose weight. I don't know what the future holds for me at this point. But I hope there's some good that will come from all of this pain and heartache.
Did I study hard? No.
Am I comfortable taking the test? No.
Did I do good on the practice exam? Sort of.
Will I pass? Not with the grade I would hope.
While I did good on the last quiz (got an A) I am mostly using the knowledge that I've obtained over the course of the last three weeks instead of studying diligently over the past week. I managed to read through the four chapters that we are going to have it on today at work. I feel like I still need more work. I'm a little worried about the vital signs sheet since I haven't completed any of it. I'll try and get some from some of the classmates before class starts.
My tire got a flat on Saturday night and Kim is driving me to class. I dropped ITT, since it sucks, and am focusing on the EMT class. Hopefully it will keep me busy and I won't be too worried about Kim when her ex comes to stay with her in a couple weeks. I'm stressing about that and I hope I can get through it ok. I've also been gaining a lot of weight recently as my clothes are getting tighter and tighter. I need to start working out again and getting back into shape.
Another turn of events is that I've started smoking. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last blog, it's been a while, but I started it to help ease my stress. I know it's not healthy, but my life is fucked up right now and I can't think of anything good. Work here at The Core isn't going too great. I did manage to switch everyone over to the new server without too much trouble, but now trying to connect the two domains together through a VPN across two NAT's is getting hard.
Carmen wants an answer soon and I don't have one. I've done just about everything I know how to do. I sacrificed working on it today to study. I hope I do ok. As usual, I have feelings of anxiety and nervousness walking into the class. Once I get there, everything seems ok. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm spending it with Kim. Someday I hope to look back at this year as a turning point in my life. A few years ago it was motivating myself to go back to school and loose weight. I don't know what the future holds for me at this point. But I hope there's some good that will come from all of this pain and heartache.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Moving along...
Well, things seem to be moving kind of quickly now. It looks like the EMT class that I am going to take will be turning out rather well. The instructor seems pretty good and they really encourage the class to do well. Soon, I'll be riding in an ambulance and possibly a helicopter. The textbook seems very large and in depth, but I am looking forward to going through it and trying to learn everything that I can from it. I'm also looking forward to going to Barnes and Noble and studying for my coursework.
Hopefully, when I am done in March, I can ask for a recommendation into the military or in the US Coast Guard. Despite what my mother says, that's what I want to do. I can't help but think that this is a sign from above that this was meant to be. I couldn't of asked for anything to fall into my lap. ITT was getting very stale and I couldn't go to class there anymore. I will keep with my Friday class since I enjoy Dr. Britton's class very much. There was something about it on Friday. I felt like that if I left, I would miss the comradery of the class. I am getting farely excited about the class and my future and am looking forward to school and EMT training in that regard.
Wow. They're are just so many dumb and stupid girls around here that it is ridiculous. I find it harder and harder to want to go out and talk to girls that are only interested in shopping and how they look. Is it so hard to find someone that is beautiful, smart, and loyal to the person that she wants to date? I keep coming back to Kim and wanting to be with her, but more and more I want someone new. Dr. Britton said that love should be easy and any kind of suffering or heartache that is involved and I should run to the hills. Kim asked me to go to Boston with her. While I am excited about it, I can't help but wonder if she would change her mind if her "friend" from Europe wanted to go with her instead.
I've started smoking.
Yes, for the first time in my life I have started to smoke. My anxiousness and nervousness about what Kim is doing when I am not around her makes me feel horrible. I can't think of anything else and I start to panic. This all started when she was flying in on Tuesday night. I knew that her ex was going to pick her up and I felt horrible that she didn't want me to, no matter what her excuse was. So I went out and bought a pack of cigarattes and started to light up. I have to admit, the kick of the nicotine relaxed me. It was a different kind of high. I can see why people can get addicted to it. I find it relaxing to take a drag if I am feeling nervous or anxious. I have tried to keep this a secret from Kim, and I don't think that she has suspected anything... yet.
In fact, right now I think I might go out back and take a cigarette. I wonder if Kim is typing to her "friend" over in Europe as we speak. What she says to him and what her intentions really are about it. I really wish things would work out between her and myself. It's probably that I just need to date someone else.
I didn't go to Jaime's party last night, nor did I go to David's. I might have gone, had Kim not called me and wanted me to come over and bring food. Maybe that was a good thing. I feel bad for ditching David, but I really didn't know anyone there and would have been really uncomfortable.
They might be hiring a new girl at work across from my office and right next to Jaime's. One of the women that they were interviewing was very attractive. Everyone is always talking about a "new" girl that they are interviewing. It will probably be some farely unattractive girl. I would feel bad for a good looking woman to work and have to go back there. I mean, I like all of the guys back there. But they seem to be very disrespectful sometimes. I know if Kim found out what they were talking about she would flip. Well, I think I am going to go have a smoke, Those things might kill me, but at least I can stay calm.
Hopefully, when I am done in March, I can ask for a recommendation into the military or in the US Coast Guard. Despite what my mother says, that's what I want to do. I can't help but think that this is a sign from above that this was meant to be. I couldn't of asked for anything to fall into my lap. ITT was getting very stale and I couldn't go to class there anymore. I will keep with my Friday class since I enjoy Dr. Britton's class very much. There was something about it on Friday. I felt like that if I left, I would miss the comradery of the class. I am getting farely excited about the class and my future and am looking forward to school and EMT training in that regard.
Wow. They're are just so many dumb and stupid girls around here that it is ridiculous. I find it harder and harder to want to go out and talk to girls that are only interested in shopping and how they look. Is it so hard to find someone that is beautiful, smart, and loyal to the person that she wants to date? I keep coming back to Kim and wanting to be with her, but more and more I want someone new. Dr. Britton said that love should be easy and any kind of suffering or heartache that is involved and I should run to the hills. Kim asked me to go to Boston with her. While I am excited about it, I can't help but wonder if she would change her mind if her "friend" from Europe wanted to go with her instead.
I've started smoking.
Yes, for the first time in my life I have started to smoke. My anxiousness and nervousness about what Kim is doing when I am not around her makes me feel horrible. I can't think of anything else and I start to panic. This all started when she was flying in on Tuesday night. I knew that her ex was going to pick her up and I felt horrible that she didn't want me to, no matter what her excuse was. So I went out and bought a pack of cigarattes and started to light up. I have to admit, the kick of the nicotine relaxed me. It was a different kind of high. I can see why people can get addicted to it. I find it relaxing to take a drag if I am feeling nervous or anxious. I have tried to keep this a secret from Kim, and I don't think that she has suspected anything... yet.
In fact, right now I think I might go out back and take a cigarette. I wonder if Kim is typing to her "friend" over in Europe as we speak. What she says to him and what her intentions really are about it. I really wish things would work out between her and myself. It's probably that I just need to date someone else.
I didn't go to Jaime's party last night, nor did I go to David's. I might have gone, had Kim not called me and wanted me to come over and bring food. Maybe that was a good thing. I feel bad for ditching David, but I really didn't know anyone there and would have been really uncomfortable.
They might be hiring a new girl at work across from my office and right next to Jaime's. One of the women that they were interviewing was very attractive. Everyone is always talking about a "new" girl that they are interviewing. It will probably be some farely unattractive girl. I would feel bad for a good looking woman to work and have to go back there. I mean, I like all of the guys back there. But they seem to be very disrespectful sometimes. I know if Kim found out what they were talking about she would flip. Well, I think I am going to go have a smoke, Those things might kill me, but at least I can stay calm.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Ignorant whore.
Well, Kim went over to her ex's last night to "watch the news" whatever the fuck that means. Probably slept with him. That was one of the last straws. I think I'm done hanging out with her. She seems totally fine yesterday after I came home. It's insulting when she's like. Oh, I'm doing something with the ex tonght. Then says Aww, you don't like him?
FUCK YOU.
I got the EMT-B enrollment to go to so I am excited about that. I better get going!
FUCK YOU.
I got the EMT-B enrollment to go to so I am excited about that. I better get going!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Slipping away...
Well,
Kim is slowly slipping away. She is in contact with friends and family as well as past ex's with whom she seems to be missing. This whole drama between me and her last ex is driving a permanant wedge between us. I think the entire situation is now lost and maybe it is time for me to move on. There is no salvaging this, no more trying to get her back. She is gone and is now focusing on people she can have intellectual conversation with. My time came and went.
It's sad knowing that I am moving into the boring recesses of constant close proximity and that she has become overwhelmed with my presence. When she returns I will attempt to seperate myself from her. Hardly any contact and try to move on with my life. It will be sad knowing that Starbucks will no longer be in mine and that I will miss him. Sad that she'll have her ex sleep over when I'm not willing to. But that just shows the nature of who SHE is. I never came into this lying to her, but it was lies from her that made me doubt her integrity. It's funny how this year has turned out for me as far as this situation is concerned. I went into it thinking I was going to have a great relationship, it ended after four months and finally crashed after the fifth. Ever since it's been me thinking that we are still together when we aren't.
I'm on my own and I need to realize that. There is nothing that I can count on in my life. Things that I work for so hard can just slip away. Trying so much for something does not always mean I am going to get it. I should just focus on the things that make ME happy. Everyone else should come in second. I'm glad Kim is gone, a part of me would just wish that she would stay gone forever. It's sad seeing something slip away from you without your control, how people can move on from you no matter how hard you tried to be friends with them.
This is my ife, and I need to focus on myself for now on. Everyone else just comes in a distant second. Maybe we can hang out still, maybe we can still be friends. That's a nice thought that brings me comfort, but it's something that won't keep me satisfied. I'll always want more. And that is something that I know I can NEVER have.
So, sitting here, thinking about her moving on. Living somewhere else, loving someone else, being close with someone else, and forgetting about me and the times we spent together... it hurts. Love hurts, it's something I cannot let happen again. And to think it was only 5 months! I know I really liked her before, at least 3 months before we went out. But it wasn't very long at all. I am alone and desperately trying to cling on to her. To show her she is wrong. But maybe I'm wrong. I've been trying so hard to show her that I'm right for her, maybe she isn't right for ME.
Well, time to go.
Kim is slowly slipping away. She is in contact with friends and family as well as past ex's with whom she seems to be missing. This whole drama between me and her last ex is driving a permanant wedge between us. I think the entire situation is now lost and maybe it is time for me to move on. There is no salvaging this, no more trying to get her back. She is gone and is now focusing on people she can have intellectual conversation with. My time came and went.
It's sad knowing that I am moving into the boring recesses of constant close proximity and that she has become overwhelmed with my presence. When she returns I will attempt to seperate myself from her. Hardly any contact and try to move on with my life. It will be sad knowing that Starbucks will no longer be in mine and that I will miss him. Sad that she'll have her ex sleep over when I'm not willing to. But that just shows the nature of who SHE is. I never came into this lying to her, but it was lies from her that made me doubt her integrity. It's funny how this year has turned out for me as far as this situation is concerned. I went into it thinking I was going to have a great relationship, it ended after four months and finally crashed after the fifth. Ever since it's been me thinking that we are still together when we aren't.
I'm on my own and I need to realize that. There is nothing that I can count on in my life. Things that I work for so hard can just slip away. Trying so much for something does not always mean I am going to get it. I should just focus on the things that make ME happy. Everyone else should come in second. I'm glad Kim is gone, a part of me would just wish that she would stay gone forever. It's sad seeing something slip away from you without your control, how people can move on from you no matter how hard you tried to be friends with them.
This is my ife, and I need to focus on myself for now on. Everyone else just comes in a distant second. Maybe we can hang out still, maybe we can still be friends. That's a nice thought that brings me comfort, but it's something that won't keep me satisfied. I'll always want more. And that is something that I know I can NEVER have.
So, sitting here, thinking about her moving on. Living somewhere else, loving someone else, being close with someone else, and forgetting about me and the times we spent together... it hurts. Love hurts, it's something I cannot let happen again. And to think it was only 5 months! I know I really liked her before, at least 3 months before we went out. But it wasn't very long at all. I am alone and desperately trying to cling on to her. To show her she is wrong. But maybe I'm wrong. I've been trying so hard to show her that I'm right for her, maybe she isn't right for ME.
Well, time to go.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I don't know where I am.
It's late, we got to leave work early tonight and now I am bored. Kim went to sleep and I don't know where I stand anymore. Wojo might be comming back to work and I don't know if I am happy or depressed about that. I would prefer Alan since he was one cool guy. But it seems like The Core is taking a step backwards. They refuse to hire new experienced people, instead they are hiring non-experienced people.
I need to lose more weight and start looking for a girlfriend. Kim still talks to her ex and as much as I would want to get back together with her, I don't think it would work out. It's just getting weird for me now. We sleep in the same bed occasionally, but it feels weird like it's not right. I would really like to get my own place and just get away from all of this. In the end, I would miss Starbucks more than her. I wish he was my cat. There's still nothing much of mine here. Just a large TV and stand along with a few other game console stuff.
I haven't been feeling good about myself lately and seem to be more moody. Probably from the medication that I'm taking. I wish I could get another girlfriend. I need to get out and start meeting new people. I was thinking of calling Jaime up when I go out with Brent tomorrow and see if she would want to hang with us. I just need to start going out more. I know Kim would be upset to hear that I would consider hanging out with her, but she's being a hypocrit by talking to her ex so whatever.
I need to lose more weight and start looking for a girlfriend. Kim still talks to her ex and as much as I would want to get back together with her, I don't think it would work out. It's just getting weird for me now. We sleep in the same bed occasionally, but it feels weird like it's not right. I would really like to get my own place and just get away from all of this. In the end, I would miss Starbucks more than her. I wish he was my cat. There's still nothing much of mine here. Just a large TV and stand along with a few other game console stuff.
I haven't been feeling good about myself lately and seem to be more moody. Probably from the medication that I'm taking. I wish I could get another girlfriend. I need to get out and start meeting new people. I was thinking of calling Jaime up when I go out with Brent tomorrow and see if she would want to hang with us. I just need to start going out more. I know Kim would be upset to hear that I would consider hanging out with her, but she's being a hypocrit by talking to her ex so whatever.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Pissed off again.
This weeks is going to suck!
Went to the doctor, got my shots, need to stay on the medication and have ANOTHER appointment on Thursday. Also upset at Kim fucking getting into some car with some fucking guy to go whoknowswhere. Only Kim would do that. I would never see Carmen or anyone else doing that. Oh no! It has to be Kim of course. She was probably sucking his cock the whole way there. Fucking slut. I hate everyone. I feel so depressed and pissed off now and also school is starting which sucks and I can't seem to get enough energy to go searching for another job.
My whole body is out of shape and I'm getting fat again and am losing my self confidence. I'm done bitching about it to other people. I know I can't hold it in. I'm going to go off on Kim tonight, I just know it. I'm so pissed. Fuck everything. I hope my life ends. What the fuck use am I anyways? I just get used by everyone. It's time people start giving me shit and stop feeling sorry for me. "Are you ok?" No I'm not fucking ok, so buy me a new tv or get me some hot girl to sleep with or get me in shape or get me into a better fucking school. I'm done.
Went to the doctor, got my shots, need to stay on the medication and have ANOTHER appointment on Thursday. Also upset at Kim fucking getting into some car with some fucking guy to go whoknowswhere. Only Kim would do that. I would never see Carmen or anyone else doing that. Oh no! It has to be Kim of course. She was probably sucking his cock the whole way there. Fucking slut. I hate everyone. I feel so depressed and pissed off now and also school is starting which sucks and I can't seem to get enough energy to go searching for another job.
My whole body is out of shape and I'm getting fat again and am losing my self confidence. I'm done bitching about it to other people. I know I can't hold it in. I'm going to go off on Kim tonight, I just know it. I'm so pissed. Fuck everything. I hope my life ends. What the fuck use am I anyways? I just get used by everyone. It's time people start giving me shit and stop feeling sorry for me. "Are you ok?" No I'm not fucking ok, so buy me a new tv or get me some hot girl to sleep with or get me in shape or get me into a better fucking school. I'm done.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
One more day left.
One more day left. Sunday went by kind of uneventful. Kim and I hung out around the apartment all day. Slept for a couple hours and rented two movies. We haven't gone shopping or anything except for Target. I found out that I lost my perscription sometime last week which is aggravating. I can't seem to fix my testosterone problem and as long as I have it missing, sex is out of the question. It seems that something is stopping me from having sex. I'm tired of it. I'm getting a little upset and it is dawning on me that we only have one day left. Going back to work is going to suck. God I hate that place. I need to find another job!
Two days down.
Yesterday was relaxing. Kim and I watched America's Next Top Model Cycle 5 all day long. It was kind of a wasted day, but we were just hanging out. I want to go out and do a little shopping today. It kind of sucks that we only got two days left though. Better make the most of them. Because come Tuesday, it will be time to return to the shit Core.
I had a strange dream last night. I was at work and Kim was ignoring me. After asking her some questions she told me that she was seeing someone else, but it was just "friends" at the moment. I got this thought of her sleeping with him and it made me jealous. Some other stuff I can't really remember happened, like me trying to get her upset or in trouble. But I can't remember very well. I started talking about getting a gun and going from office to office shooting everyone. Then it jumped to me seeing her car somewhere. Then I was looking for her at work, but she had left. I saw her leave with Fred and I got in my car and chased them down. I pulled next to them and said that I would take her home. She got out and got into my car and I was asking why she never asks for my help. I don't remember what she said, but somehow I got into asking how many times she had sex with him. She was reluctant at first, but said that she did once I believe she said it was on her car. Weird. Then we started having sex. Even weirder. Then she left and I was in an apartment with Dan and Chuck. I started explaining to them that I was going out with Kim and Dan didn't seemed surprised. I was talking to them about how she was going out with other guys and then I grabbed a double barreled shotgun waiting for Kim and Fred to come in.
They walk in and Fred is there with double barreled shotgun as well, telling me to put it down. Then two of my friends with silenced pistols appear out of nowhere and aim the guns at them. He dropped his weapon and it is at this point that I started waking up.
I don't know where that dream came from but I'm trying to analyze it. Maybe I feel that Kim is going to sleep around. The part about her seeing another guy, yeah I would be jealous. In my dream I was telling her why we couldn't go out and she said I was boring. All in all, it was a very strange dream I had. I kind of want to tell Kim about it. She's out of the bath now. Better post and get going.
I had a strange dream last night. I was at work and Kim was ignoring me. After asking her some questions she told me that she was seeing someone else, but it was just "friends" at the moment. I got this thought of her sleeping with him and it made me jealous. Some other stuff I can't really remember happened, like me trying to get her upset or in trouble. But I can't remember very well. I started talking about getting a gun and going from office to office shooting everyone. Then it jumped to me seeing her car somewhere. Then I was looking for her at work, but she had left. I saw her leave with Fred and I got in my car and chased them down. I pulled next to them and said that I would take her home. She got out and got into my car and I was asking why she never asks for my help. I don't remember what she said, but somehow I got into asking how many times she had sex with him. She was reluctant at first, but said that she did once I believe she said it was on her car. Weird. Then we started having sex. Even weirder. Then she left and I was in an apartment with Dan and Chuck. I started explaining to them that I was going out with Kim and Dan didn't seemed surprised. I was talking to them about how she was going out with other guys and then I grabbed a double barreled shotgun waiting for Kim and Fred to come in.
They walk in and Fred is there with double barreled shotgun as well, telling me to put it down. Then two of my friends with silenced pistols appear out of nowhere and aim the guns at them. He dropped his weapon and it is at this point that I started waking up.
I don't know where that dream came from but I'm trying to analyze it. Maybe I feel that Kim is going to sleep around. The part about her seeing another guy, yeah I would be jealous. In my dream I was telling her why we couldn't go out and she said I was boring. All in all, it was a very strange dream I had. I kind of want to tell Kim about it. She's out of the bath now. Better post and get going.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Day almost over.
Friday is drawing to a close and it seems to have gone by kind of fast. Hung around the apartment and slept for the morning. Radiation is on Tuesday, then I'm done with that. I can't wait to get healthy again. I realized that I will be paying a lot in medical bills over the next couple months and am not quite thrilled with that. I need to start looking for another job soon as well. I can't stand it there anymore and I want to get out of that place.
I checked on the kittens at Mom's house today and they seemed alright. I'm going to go check on them in the morning. I am worried that the garage is open, which I'm pretty sure that I closed it. I plan on getting up early in the morning to go check on them again. The days are moving by kind of fast and I hope the rest of the weekend is good.
Kim just came by and was making the grudge girl noises. It's kind of creepy how close she comes to sounding just like the movie. Well, getting tired now. Going to go to bed.
I checked on the kittens at Mom's house today and they seemed alright. I'm going to go check on them in the morning. I am worried that the garage is open, which I'm pretty sure that I closed it. I plan on getting up early in the morning to go check on them again. The days are moving by kind of fast and I hope the rest of the weekend is good.
Kim just came by and was making the grudge girl noises. It's kind of creepy how close she comes to sounding just like the movie. Well, getting tired now. Going to go to bed.
The upcoming long weekend.
It's Friday and I have the day off. In fact, I have 4 days off and we just got paid! This is perfect. I can't wait to just relax and have a good long weekend. It's been pretty hectic around work and school lately, but now I can relax and start having a little fun. After paying a couple more bills, I should have around 600 dollars to spend. Not that I want to spend all of it this weekend. I need a new dresser to start putting clothes in and maybe a couple more clothes. Driving to Michigan city would be nice. Everything is cheap there.
I am still sick though, but I think I'm getting better. We're losing Fred at work this week. He's going down south to be with his brother. He says when he gets back that he'll help Matt and I get jobs at this other printshop making more money. That would be nice. Leave The Core behind. Kim is working today, but might be getting out a little earlier, which means around 6:30pm instead of 7:30. I still think she is getting taken advantage of by Carmen and after the whole "credit crisis" on Wednesday she needs to understand that her own personal well being comes first before pleasing Carmen.
I felt a little upset last night at Kim. I wanted to stop by a game store and look at some games and she was making fun of me. Even though I went to see Harry Potter and never made fun of her, it kind of hurt me a little. I played it off like I was upset at not being able to go out, it just hurt my feelings. Yes, I do still have feelings. Even after the whole "I saw her with her ex" incident. I guess I have started to recover slightly. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if she started dating someone else. Would I be jealous? Probably yeah. I guess there is still a part of me deep down that has feelings for her still. Is it love? I don't think so, but what we have now is great and I don't want to spoil that by bringing up something that could potentially stress her out.
I will, but not now. I did say that I would give her a couple months before attempting to try it again and who knows, it may work out. As long as she is not talking to her dumbass ex boyfriend.
Well, here's to the long weekend! Hope we have fun!
I am still sick though, but I think I'm getting better. We're losing Fred at work this week. He's going down south to be with his brother. He says when he gets back that he'll help Matt and I get jobs at this other printshop making more money. That would be nice. Leave The Core behind. Kim is working today, but might be getting out a little earlier, which means around 6:30pm instead of 7:30. I still think she is getting taken advantage of by Carmen and after the whole "credit crisis" on Wednesday she needs to understand that her own personal well being comes first before pleasing Carmen.
I felt a little upset last night at Kim. I wanted to stop by a game store and look at some games and she was making fun of me. Even though I went to see Harry Potter and never made fun of her, it kind of hurt me a little. I played it off like I was upset at not being able to go out, it just hurt my feelings. Yes, I do still have feelings. Even after the whole "I saw her with her ex" incident. I guess I have started to recover slightly. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if she started dating someone else. Would I be jealous? Probably yeah. I guess there is still a part of me deep down that has feelings for her still. Is it love? I don't think so, but what we have now is great and I don't want to spoil that by bringing up something that could potentially stress her out.
I will, but not now. I did say that I would give her a couple months before attempting to try it again and who knows, it may work out. As long as she is not talking to her dumbass ex boyfriend.
Well, here's to the long weekend! Hope we have fun!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Almost done!
We're almost done printing Allstate at work! I can't wait to have a long weekend where I can rest and recuperate. I'm still sick and my nose runs all the time, but not as much as it did before. I bought some NyQuil and Tylenol cold medicine as well as kleenex which I've gone through a couple boxes already. The power went out last Friday and partly over the weekend. Carmen called us in Friday night to work. Matt didn't feel up to it and suggested we tell Carmen to wait till the morning to start. I look back on that now with regret. I should have told him that his possible upcoming raise could count on this, but I didn't. Carmen was upset, I offered to stay a while and help print while Matt got to leave. He came back later to help Marcin, but was drunk and didn't help at all. Then he left the other night (I'm losing track of days now) because he was sick.
Kim says Carmen is looking to replace him with some dork she was talking to the other day. That kind of sucks. I know Matt should have been more responsible and stuck with it, but it just sucks that it might turn out this way. Kim's thinks it's good, but I just can't feel excited about it. Matt is my friend and even though he has kind of screwed himself, I can't help but feel sorry for him and what might happen. Maybe he should try to apologize for what he's done and then she might reconsider.
Well, I need to take a shower and get ready for tonight. Kim wants to go to Baja Fresh I think it is. And one last thing... I have hemmoroids! More on that later. God, this sucks ass. (No pun intended.)
Kim says Carmen is looking to replace him with some dork she was talking to the other day. That kind of sucks. I know Matt should have been more responsible and stuck with it, but it just sucks that it might turn out this way. Kim's thinks it's good, but I just can't feel excited about it. Matt is my friend and even though he has kind of screwed himself, I can't help but feel sorry for him and what might happen. Maybe he should try to apologize for what he's done and then she might reconsider.
Well, I need to take a shower and get ready for tonight. Kim wants to go to Baja Fresh I think it is. And one last thing... I have hemmoroids! More on that later. God, this sucks ass. (No pun intended.)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Geting sick.
I'm getting sicker each day now. I think I've caught Jaime's cold. She was coughing all over the office and I finally got it. Now my nose is running and I have a sore throat. I'm trying to work on my final project tonight, need to get my pricing and powerpoint presentation ready. I'm not too far from finished now and that's good news. The presentation is supposed to last around 3 to 5 minutes, so I think I can BS for about that long. I've done this before so I have an idea of what I want to talk about.
Starbucks loves to get in my way when I'm doing work. He just loves to be the center of attention. Stupid little kitty. Actually, he's not so little anymore. But he is stupid. :) He has a big body and a little head. He's getting fatter I think. Oh, I don't feel very well. I have to work tonight at 9pm to 6am. Which is going to suck big time! I don't know how long I'm going to last. I might come back a little early, but I don't want to leave Matt by himself. Fred is leaving soon and we're going to be even more short handed on print operators.
Kim left for work 10 minutes ago. I hope I didn't keep her up at all. I had trouble sleeping since I wasn't feeling well. I even threw up in the bathroom. I think I'm going to throw up again. Better go.
Starbucks loves to get in my way when I'm doing work. He just loves to be the center of attention. Stupid little kitty. Actually, he's not so little anymore. But he is stupid. :) He has a big body and a little head. He's getting fatter I think. Oh, I don't feel very well. I have to work tonight at 9pm to 6am. Which is going to suck big time! I don't know how long I'm going to last. I might come back a little early, but I don't want to leave Matt by himself. Fred is leaving soon and we're going to be even more short handed on print operators.
Kim left for work 10 minutes ago. I hope I didn't keep her up at all. I had trouble sleeping since I wasn't feeling well. I even threw up in the bathroom. I think I'm going to throw up again. Better go.
Monday, August 20, 2007
It works!
Well, just realized that we also have broadband internet as well. This is great, now we don't have to drive all the way to Panera or Caribou in order to get online. I can also do homework from home too. Work SUCKED last night. I started feeling really sick around 11pm and then all three printers went down for three hours. Three hours! It was ridiculous. I went again to the doctor today. I was fucking late because I slept in so late. Last night was horrible. I threw up like three times and was about to pass out. I literally did when I got back home. Kim gave me some water and tucked me in. She's so special to me. I love her so much. "As a friend" Not like I used to.
Our relationship seems to be in a "middle" state right now. I know it's great that we're friends and we're living together, but I get these feelings that she feels a deeper connection to me then just friendship. I felt her rub her cheek against mine this morning as I was sleeping and I thought that she kissed me.
My stomach is still feeling weird and I don't think I should eat much of anything for the next couple days. I need to rest. I haven't worked on my project yet, but I should. I think I'll start tonight.
Our relationship seems to be in a "middle" state right now. I know it's great that we're friends and we're living together, but I get these feelings that she feels a deeper connection to me then just friendship. I felt her rub her cheek against mine this morning as I was sleeping and I thought that she kissed me.
My stomach is still feeling weird and I don't think I should eat much of anything for the next couple days. I need to rest. I haven't worked on my project yet, but I should. I think I'll start tonight.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Weekend work.
Well, my head is fucking killing me and I can’t get back to sleep. The past week I’ve been living with Kim again as “friends”. If you were to ask me how I truly feel about her I would be lying to say that I really felt nothing more than just friendship there. It’s just that I don’t know if I would want to go back to the way it was. Right now it is fun hanging out with her all the time at home. She seems in a much better mood all the time now. The thing that still bugs me is the “ex-factor”. Yeah, I am still wondering about whether or not she still sees or talks to him. I’ve got to work 6pm-6am tonight and she has plenty of time away from me to go and see him today. Which sucks because there’s nothing I can do to stop her. I mentioned before in another log that I was starting to wonder if what she told me about him threatening to sue her was true or not and if she was just saying that so I would think nothing was up. If that is what really happened, it will be the last straw and I won’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. If it’s true and she really has stopped talking to him for good than our future is a little brighter.
Sometimes I get the feeling that she may want a little more than our so called “friendship”. I find it harder and harder not to hold and kiss her because of how attractive she looks. Right now she is sleeping on the couch and looks so beautiful. I want to hold her in my arms all night and cuddle with her sometimes if nothing more. The medication I’m taking is draining me and I am afraid to take it during work hours for fear that it will inhibit my ability to function. I took two pills after my appointment on Friday and it fucking drained the shit out of me. I didn’t want to do anything and I was so weak. I took one yesterday after work and even though I felt a little drained, I wasn’t completely tired. Now my car is back at work since Kim brought me back yesterday.
… My head is still killing me. My life is full of so much confusion right now. I don’t know what I want to do and where I want to go or who I want to be with. I don’t think staring at my laptop is helping me head feel any better. We do still sleep in the same bed occasionally; she gets up at night sometimes and moves to the couch because of her low sugar levels. I don’t know why she feels she has to sleep out there, but whatever. If she was not comfortable with us “sleeping together” then she could just say something. I feel bad taking the bed; I’d rather sleep on the couch if that were the case. I also wonder why she worries about me so much. I guess she really does care for me still…
I was worried that she was feeling smothered or needed time alone, but she said since we’re “friends” that the pressure is off. Ok, whatever that means. I never was pressuring her for anything she didn’t want to do. That girl truly does not know how to act in a relationship. She over thinks everything. What we have now, I would consider a good relationship. The only thing missing would be kissing and/or sex. Speaking of which I am lacking. It’s true that guys think about it a lot and I tend to think of Kim a lot. When things slow down at work a little more and I am done with all of this hospital bullshit, I’m going to hit the gym hard and get into shape. Then I’m going to make some smooth moves on Kim. She’s such a cutie!
At the mall last night I bought Carmen some chocolates as a sort of “thanks” for giving us overtime. Matt was reluctant to give any money towards it since he still feels like we are all getting taken advantage of. Sure, I think we are, but it is still nice to give a little. Karma is king and what goes around comes around. I need every little bit I can think of. Kim was joking around saying I love Carmen and so was Matt, but I’m just trying to be nice. I’m not giving anything to Steve or Tom, but Carmen has been a descent boss, despite her short comings.
Well, it’s getting later and my head is still aching. I think I’m going to watch a movie on my laptop, get something to eat and relax for a little while longer before the day starts up.
Sometimes I get the feeling that she may want a little more than our so called “friendship”. I find it harder and harder not to hold and kiss her because of how attractive she looks. Right now she is sleeping on the couch and looks so beautiful. I want to hold her in my arms all night and cuddle with her sometimes if nothing more. The medication I’m taking is draining me and I am afraid to take it during work hours for fear that it will inhibit my ability to function. I took two pills after my appointment on Friday and it fucking drained the shit out of me. I didn’t want to do anything and I was so weak. I took one yesterday after work and even though I felt a little drained, I wasn’t completely tired. Now my car is back at work since Kim brought me back yesterday.
… My head is still killing me. My life is full of so much confusion right now. I don’t know what I want to do and where I want to go or who I want to be with. I don’t think staring at my laptop is helping me head feel any better. We do still sleep in the same bed occasionally; she gets up at night sometimes and moves to the couch because of her low sugar levels. I don’t know why she feels she has to sleep out there, but whatever. If she was not comfortable with us “sleeping together” then she could just say something. I feel bad taking the bed; I’d rather sleep on the couch if that were the case. I also wonder why she worries about me so much. I guess she really does care for me still…
I was worried that she was feeling smothered or needed time alone, but she said since we’re “friends” that the pressure is off. Ok, whatever that means. I never was pressuring her for anything she didn’t want to do. That girl truly does not know how to act in a relationship. She over thinks everything. What we have now, I would consider a good relationship. The only thing missing would be kissing and/or sex. Speaking of which I am lacking. It’s true that guys think about it a lot and I tend to think of Kim a lot. When things slow down at work a little more and I am done with all of this hospital bullshit, I’m going to hit the gym hard and get into shape. Then I’m going to make some smooth moves on Kim. She’s such a cutie!
At the mall last night I bought Carmen some chocolates as a sort of “thanks” for giving us overtime. Matt was reluctant to give any money towards it since he still feels like we are all getting taken advantage of. Sure, I think we are, but it is still nice to give a little. Karma is king and what goes around comes around. I need every little bit I can think of. Kim was joking around saying I love Carmen and so was Matt, but I’m just trying to be nice. I’m not giving anything to Steve or Tom, but Carmen has been a descent boss, despite her short comings.
Well, it’s getting later and my head is still aching. I think I’m going to watch a movie on my laptop, get something to eat and relax for a little while longer before the day starts up.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Sitting at Panera.
Just sitting at Panera waiting for my friend to show up so we can go get something to eat. I need to help him move some stuff, then I can go back home. Between work, school, the doctor and the whole worrying about Kim situation, my time and stress levels are rising. I feel alright for now, but I can see things wearing down eventually.
I've got a presentation due next week that I haven't even prepared for yet. I need to work on it this weekend so I can get something done. I haven't been paying much attention to it, mostly worrying about work and school. My friend is getting closer now and I'm getting ready to go. Still wondering if Kim is seeing her ex asshole. I think she is and that bs about him saying he was going to sue her was in fact BS. But then again I don't know. But I was right about if she was seeing him again and what do you know? I was right. So I'm probably right about this.
Well, my friend is here. Better go.
I've got a presentation due next week that I haven't even prepared for yet. I need to work on it this weekend so I can get something done. I haven't been paying much attention to it, mostly worrying about work and school. My friend is getting closer now and I'm getting ready to go. Still wondering if Kim is seeing her ex asshole. I think she is and that bs about him saying he was going to sue her was in fact BS. But then again I don't know. But I was right about if she was seeing him again and what do you know? I was right. So I'm probably right about this.
Well, my friend is here. Better go.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Another night.
Well, nothing special has happened tonight.
Do I still have feelings for Kim? Yeah, I think I do and the more time goes on the more I want more. I find it hard to not just hug her or want to kiss her. She’s just so cute and I want to hold her in my arms. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I find it hard for me to concentrate on anything else when I’m here. I do feel better when it’s just us. Like when we hang out and do everything together. It seems fine, but I can’t help wanting more. After seeing her hanging with her ex it just killed the feeling I had for her, shock took over and I felt numb all over about everything. I needed to step back and reevaluate our relationship and what I wanted. Maybe I need more time and these feelings will go away.
I’ve also started thinking about going to a different school. Or changing degrees. Something in medicine. Like an EMT. I could go to a larger school and meet different people and maybe get a better girlfriend and forget about all this nonsense. I need a girl right now. I feel lonely and want to share something more with someone. I don’t want to get married, but I want to be with someone. I really like Kim, but I get the feeling that the whole “I’m going to sue you” excuse from her ex was a lie. After everything that’s happened, I find it really hard to trust her. I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Maybe in a few weeks I can try again, but not right now. No matter how bad I want to try I CAN’T. I must maintain my composure that I am being just friends. Maybe in doing so she will want me more. Maybe when her job gets less stressful and she gets her raise something will happen.
I’m not looking forward to working all these hours for the next 10 days. It will be hard to keep my eye on what Kim is doing and in being so busy she will have time to see her ex when I’m away. Plus school is ending soon and my projects are due. Heh, this is ridiculous. I should not be worrying so much about this, but really. I would rather her date someone else then date that fucking loser anymore or even see him again. I need a girl…
I also haven’t gotten to read that mail on the prescriptions for the testosterone. I want to have sex, but at the same time I don’t want to. I find myself checking Kim out every now and then and fantasize about the things I want to do to her. I would give anything to go down on her right now. Nothing on my end, all for her.
Do I still have feelings for Kim? Yeah, I think I do and the more time goes on the more I want more. I find it hard to not just hug her or want to kiss her. She’s just so cute and I want to hold her in my arms. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I find it hard for me to concentrate on anything else when I’m here. I do feel better when it’s just us. Like when we hang out and do everything together. It seems fine, but I can’t help wanting more. After seeing her hanging with her ex it just killed the feeling I had for her, shock took over and I felt numb all over about everything. I needed to step back and reevaluate our relationship and what I wanted. Maybe I need more time and these feelings will go away.
I’ve also started thinking about going to a different school. Or changing degrees. Something in medicine. Like an EMT. I could go to a larger school and meet different people and maybe get a better girlfriend and forget about all this nonsense. I need a girl right now. I feel lonely and want to share something more with someone. I don’t want to get married, but I want to be with someone. I really like Kim, but I get the feeling that the whole “I’m going to sue you” excuse from her ex was a lie. After everything that’s happened, I find it really hard to trust her. I take everything she says with a grain of salt. Maybe in a few weeks I can try again, but not right now. No matter how bad I want to try I CAN’T. I must maintain my composure that I am being just friends. Maybe in doing so she will want me more. Maybe when her job gets less stressful and she gets her raise something will happen.
I’m not looking forward to working all these hours for the next 10 days. It will be hard to keep my eye on what Kim is doing and in being so busy she will have time to see her ex when I’m away. Plus school is ending soon and my projects are due. Heh, this is ridiculous. I should not be worrying so much about this, but really. I would rather her date someone else then date that fucking loser anymore or even see him again. I need a girl…
I also haven’t gotten to read that mail on the prescriptions for the testosterone. I want to have sex, but at the same time I don’t want to. I find myself checking Kim out every now and then and fantasize about the things I want to do to her. I would give anything to go down on her right now. Nothing on my end, all for her.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Girls don't want Mr. Nice guy.
I've come to the realization that girls don't want a nice guy. Sure they say they do, they bitch and complain and whine about how all guys are dicks and cheaters and care only about themselves and are wondering if there are any normal or "nice" guys out there. When in reality there are lots of them, but they are treated like shit and tossed to the curb because they don't "challenge" them enough.
Girls like to play games.
Plain and simple. Sure guys do to, but girls do it just the same and they are about as bad as it comes when breaking hearts or treating nice guys like shit. Take for example, my relationship with my ex. The last two ex's to be exact. Both of them were totally in to me when I first started going out with them because for once, since they both just got out of bad relationships, they were going out with someone that was treating them with respect. Someone that treated them fairly and went out of their way to be supportive and helpful.
But soon that started to fall through. They had gotten what they wanted out of me, someone to make their ex's jealous or to fill that void of loneliness they began talking to their ex again and seeing them and going out with them. All the while lying to me and treating me like shit. Using words like "it's not you it's me" or "you deserve someone better". After saying "I love you" and opening the floodgates they closed them abruptly and cut me off.
My heart was broken, I felt like shit. But I held on as they would go back to their ex's calling me and bitching how they are being treated like shit or how the other person has changed. They were liers and still are, but I guess they deserve them since they are liers themselves. Am I bitter? Yeah. After being burned twice now by two different girls that I could have sworn were different then all the other garbage out there I have come to the fact that all girls are lying whores that say one thing when they mean the opposite.
Hey, it's possible that there are nice girls out there just like there are nice guys, but the REAL ones are so few and far between the chances of meeting one are slim to none. So I guess they'll be one less nice guy in this world to date because from now on I only care about one person: myself.
Girls like to play games.
Plain and simple. Sure guys do to, but girls do it just the same and they are about as bad as it comes when breaking hearts or treating nice guys like shit. Take for example, my relationship with my ex. The last two ex's to be exact. Both of them were totally in to me when I first started going out with them because for once, since they both just got out of bad relationships, they were going out with someone that was treating them with respect. Someone that treated them fairly and went out of their way to be supportive and helpful.
But soon that started to fall through. They had gotten what they wanted out of me, someone to make their ex's jealous or to fill that void of loneliness they began talking to their ex again and seeing them and going out with them. All the while lying to me and treating me like shit. Using words like "it's not you it's me" or "you deserve someone better". After saying "I love you" and opening the floodgates they closed them abruptly and cut me off.
My heart was broken, I felt like shit. But I held on as they would go back to their ex's calling me and bitching how they are being treated like shit or how the other person has changed. They were liers and still are, but I guess they deserve them since they are liers themselves. Am I bitter? Yeah. After being burned twice now by two different girls that I could have sworn were different then all the other garbage out there I have come to the fact that all girls are lying whores that say one thing when they mean the opposite.
Hey, it's possible that there are nice girls out there just like there are nice guys, but the REAL ones are so few and far between the chances of meeting one are slim to none. So I guess they'll be one less nice guy in this world to date because from now on I only care about one person: myself.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Sitting in Caribou.
Well, I'm sitting in Caribou coffee with Kim on the computer. I finished my homework, which I'm glad so now my weekend is free. I feel kind of sick, probably because I drank a little too much last night. I'm such a lightweight... Six beers and a Jager bomb and I was out. I guess I should expect much since I didn't eat anything before hand. I feel out of shape as well and can't wait to get back into the gym and hit it hard. I slept pretty good (thanks to the alcohol) and most of my daily concerns seemed to bleed away. They slowly started to return when I awoke [sober]. Starbucks was jumping on me at night and I awoke a couple times as well to use the bathroom, but for the most part I slept good.
Sometimes I wonder what will become of me in the next few years. Earlier I was thinking about what will happen in the next year since I have started working at The Core, but now I'm starting to wonder years down the road. More than likely, I'll be fat, broke and alone. But that's a big assumption. I'll probably be in a situation not unlike the one I am in now, complaining about my career, my relationships, the shape I'm in (physically and emotionally) and what I will be doing years from now.
Hopefully, by that time I'll have my own place at least! This job, while good, is just depressing me. I can't seem to think that there is nothing else out there for me to do that I would be good at. I would really like to act, but that's just a dream that would never happen. My online time is running out here at Caribou and I might have to re-register a new email address in order to gain access again. I used my friend's email address before. It's funny how easy it is, but with isp prices these days...
I haven't showered in a day and I feel so sticky and grimey. I should probably take a shower soon before Kim faints from my stench. I don't know how she puts up with me, but she is a good friend. Sometimes I think that I want more, like what we had, if we had it, but right now a friend is good enough. I really want to see that movie, but I don't think she wants to go. We saw Harry Potter so by god we are seeing this! :)
I'm freaking out about my tumor and I just hope everything goes ok. I'm nervous about the Chemo, but if it helps then I'll do it. I better post before my time runs up. I hope we have a good time together tonight.
Sometimes I wonder what will become of me in the next few years. Earlier I was thinking about what will happen in the next year since I have started working at The Core, but now I'm starting to wonder years down the road. More than likely, I'll be fat, broke and alone. But that's a big assumption. I'll probably be in a situation not unlike the one I am in now, complaining about my career, my relationships, the shape I'm in (physically and emotionally) and what I will be doing years from now.
Hopefully, by that time I'll have my own place at least! This job, while good, is just depressing me. I can't seem to think that there is nothing else out there for me to do that I would be good at. I would really like to act, but that's just a dream that would never happen. My online time is running out here at Caribou and I might have to re-register a new email address in order to gain access again. I used my friend's email address before. It's funny how easy it is, but with isp prices these days...
I haven't showered in a day and I feel so sticky and grimey. I should probably take a shower soon before Kim faints from my stench. I don't know how she puts up with me, but she is a good friend. Sometimes I think that I want more, like what we had, if we had it, but right now a friend is good enough. I really want to see that movie, but I don't think she wants to go. We saw Harry Potter so by god we are seeing this! :)
I'm freaking out about my tumor and I just hope everything goes ok. I'm nervous about the Chemo, but if it helps then I'll do it. I better post before my time runs up. I hope we have a good time together tonight.
One year from now...
I wonder what I will be like a year from now. All the heartaches and bad times I'm going through right now. I've got to get Chemotherapy and surgery on my tumor in my head soon, family members having heart attacks, my lack of getting an apartment and not making enough money a year. Things just aren't working out the way I planned them. I never thought I would be stuck in this situation when I started this job a year ago. I was happy that I had left that warehouse job and was suffering every single day in 100 degree and 90% humidity. I got this job and was like "yes!". I thought I was getting a step closer to becoming a computer admin.
Eventually I did only a few months later and it wasn't really what I expected. I was worried that it would be complex and I was still a little green from just graduating school. But I kind of got through it. It was also around that time that I started to like Kim. I worked out religiously trying to get into shape. I started worrying about other guys hitting on her in the back and that my chances of asking her out would be lost. She was also had a boyfriend, but I was getting hints that it was ending. And this, was the begining of my descent into the hole I am already in. Soon I started concentrating more on our relationship then anything else. I was quickly running out of things to do at work since all of my goals that I had started out with when I was promoted were getting completed.
It was getting slow and has never really picked up much since. Every now and then I will help print, but that's about it. I started school again, but am not feeling as excited about it as I once did. At least I was happy with the relationship I was in. But then the bottom fell out of that too. I should have known something like this was going to happen so soon after breaking up with her boyfriend. But I was stupid and made a mistake. One which I must never do again. I let my guard down and fell in love, also a stupid mistake which I must never do again.
So now I stop and think about the past year and how bad it's been and wonder what the next year will have in store for me. A new job? New girlfriend? New place to live? New car? Different school? I don't know what it has in store for me, but I hope to god that it is better than what I am going through right now. I'm waiting at work for Kim to get done with doing whatever she's doing then we're going to Caribou. I don't know what is in store for us tonight, tomorrow or next week. But I am sure it can't be good. I feel sort of numb about everything since my previous post. I felt content and relaxed staying over at her place last night. But I don't know what to think. A momentary reprieve before we go back to being distant again.
I think I'm done for now.
Eventually I did only a few months later and it wasn't really what I expected. I was worried that it would be complex and I was still a little green from just graduating school. But I kind of got through it. It was also around that time that I started to like Kim. I worked out religiously trying to get into shape. I started worrying about other guys hitting on her in the back and that my chances of asking her out would be lost. She was also had a boyfriend, but I was getting hints that it was ending. And this, was the begining of my descent into the hole I am already in. Soon I started concentrating more on our relationship then anything else. I was quickly running out of things to do at work since all of my goals that I had started out with when I was promoted were getting completed.
It was getting slow and has never really picked up much since. Every now and then I will help print, but that's about it. I started school again, but am not feeling as excited about it as I once did. At least I was happy with the relationship I was in. But then the bottom fell out of that too. I should have known something like this was going to happen so soon after breaking up with her boyfriend. But I was stupid and made a mistake. One which I must never do again. I let my guard down and fell in love, also a stupid mistake which I must never do again.
So now I stop and think about the past year and how bad it's been and wonder what the next year will have in store for me. A new job? New girlfriend? New place to live? New car? Different school? I don't know what it has in store for me, but I hope to god that it is better than what I am going through right now. I'm waiting at work for Kim to get done with doing whatever she's doing then we're going to Caribou. I don't know what is in store for us tonight, tomorrow or next week. But I am sure it can't be good. I feel sort of numb about everything since my previous post. I felt content and relaxed staying over at her place last night. But I don't know what to think. A momentary reprieve before we go back to being distant again.
I think I'm done for now.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Well, the truth hurts.
I saw them together. Don't ask me how, I was at the mall and she was with him. Some old guy. I guess that's her ex. She was walking with him in the mall. I didn't go up to her or confront them. I would have called her horrible names and thrown his bitch-ass off of the balcony and KILLED him. But, I kept calm. I saw them leave together. She called me up later that night and I let her have it. How could she hang out with someone after saying all those horrible things about him?
It's as if she wanted to break up so she could go out with him without feeling guilty about it. Whatever, I went through such a range of emotions talking and yelling at her that I'm numb now. I don't expect anything or care. I'm an empty shell that doesn't give a shit anymore. I guess that's good so that all I want to care about is myself. I need to concentrate on my job and school and forget about this whole fucking mess I was dragged into by her. I should have never asked her out and never dated her. It's hard to think that it ended this way. She should just go back to her crybaby ex and get that shit over with. At least it will stop his whining and bitching. I went out tonight to the club and realized there are SO many girls out there. What the hell am I doing crying over this one? I even pulled a number tonight from a girl I was talking to.
Yeah, it hurts, but whatever. I'm moving on and now that I know the truth. It can only get easier.
It's as if she wanted to break up so she could go out with him without feeling guilty about it. Whatever, I went through such a range of emotions talking and yelling at her that I'm numb now. I don't expect anything or care. I'm an empty shell that doesn't give a shit anymore. I guess that's good so that all I want to care about is myself. I need to concentrate on my job and school and forget about this whole fucking mess I was dragged into by her. I should have never asked her out and never dated her. It's hard to think that it ended this way. She should just go back to her crybaby ex and get that shit over with. At least it will stop his whining and bitching. I went out tonight to the club and realized there are SO many girls out there. What the hell am I doing crying over this one? I even pulled a number tonight from a girl I was talking to.
Yeah, it hurts, but whatever. I'm moving on and now that I know the truth. It can only get easier.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Lots of overtime!
Well, work has picked up at The Core. With 3 and 6 millions Allstate forms to be printed as well as other jobs, there's more work to be done. And with more work comes more money. Carmen said that I would get paid overtime for this and I am looking forward to it. I was called back to look at the studio apartment that I had my eye on. Unfortunately, my dad won't be able to make it and suggested that I look at his old apartments in Westmont. He said studios there go for around 500 or so a month. It would be nice to move there, and I would be a little close to work, but not by much. Worked late last night from 10pm to around 6am. Ran the printers for a while and started to get used to them. Kim called today and said that Carmen would like me to come in tonight and I probably will. I also want to come in tomorrow before I leave to look at the apartment.
Speaking of Kim, I'm still up in arms about what to do about her. My car died Monday and I tried calling her since she was closest, but she was ignoring or someone else was ignoring my calls. It was bullshit, because it started raining and I was stuck on 355. I was pissed and when I asked her if her ex had moved back in with her or if she was at his place she gave a not convincing "No..." There was also this strange echo that she did not explain. I don't know what the hell is going on with her, but my gut tells me that she is seeing someone else already. Whether it is her ex or someone else she has met out here I'm not sure. I have been tempted to follow her, but that would be WAY to stalker-ish.
I'm going to talk to her about it whenever we go out next, maybe tonight or tomorrow when we go (if we go) see the movie. I'm guessing she'll try and pull out of it. Fuck that, she owes me. If she confirms what I think, then yes, I'll be hurt, but at least I can move on. If she went back to that 40 year old crybaby it's HER LOSS. Well, I'm starting to get up just thinking about it. I just know she is going to try and pull out. Ok, I'm done for now.
Speaking of Kim, I'm still up in arms about what to do about her. My car died Monday and I tried calling her since she was closest, but she was ignoring or someone else was ignoring my calls. It was bullshit, because it started raining and I was stuck on 355. I was pissed and when I asked her if her ex had moved back in with her or if she was at his place she gave a not convincing "No..." There was also this strange echo that she did not explain. I don't know what the hell is going on with her, but my gut tells me that she is seeing someone else already. Whether it is her ex or someone else she has met out here I'm not sure. I have been tempted to follow her, but that would be WAY to stalker-ish.
I'm going to talk to her about it whenever we go out next, maybe tonight or tomorrow when we go (if we go) see the movie. I'm guessing she'll try and pull out of it. Fuck that, she owes me. If she confirms what I think, then yes, I'll be hurt, but at least I can move on. If she went back to that 40 year old crybaby it's HER LOSS. Well, I'm starting to get up just thinking about it. I just know she is going to try and pull out. Ok, I'm done for now.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Not answering... again.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people have cell phones and DON'T keep them on them. I just hate that. You have a cell phone so keep it with you! It's the only way people are going to be able to communicate with you. I always keep mine near me in case someone tries to get a hold of me. For example, trying to call some people tonight and NO ONE answers their god damn phone. Well, Matt finally did so that's ok. But Kim isn't. Now I am worrying about her, if she's ok and all of that. And I'm also upset now that she didn't answer her phone. Left it at work, in her car, in her purse... etc etc. I saw her put it in her purse, so unless she took it out when she was in her car, she is ignoring me. Damn it! I'm so pissed. ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea what to do in a few hours when I go in to work. Hopefully, it won't be too hard and Bob shows up on time.
I love her still.
Thinking about her again. We met for coffee this morning and talked on the phone last night. She seemed at ease about work and the firing of that idiot John. I hope Carmen hires that new girl and she helps Kim out. It will make her feel better about work. I also hope Kim asks for a raise and gets a good one which she deserves. She is afraid to ask Carmen for one, but I know that she has done enough to earn one. Carmen loves her and relies heavily on her hard work to keep everything together. Kim worries that they would fire her for asking which would NOT be the case.
I mentioned to Kim again that I was looking at apartments. We joked about having her move in with me and she seemed that she still wanted to. Either for financial reasons or to be with me I'm still not sure. She wants two bedrooms, but I think I would find it hard to live with her and not sleep with her all the time. She is too attractive to me not to touch her and, of course, I still love her. I was flipping out yesterday over this whole thank you situation that I realize how immature I am acting. Once I talk to her everything is fine and I feel better. God, I miss her. Sometimes I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold her.
I mentioned to Kim again that I was looking at apartments. We joked about having her move in with me and she seemed that she still wanted to. Either for financial reasons or to be with me I'm still not sure. She wants two bedrooms, but I think I would find it hard to live with her and not sleep with her all the time. She is too attractive to me not to touch her and, of course, I still love her. I was flipping out yesterday over this whole thank you situation that I realize how immature I am acting. Once I talk to her everything is fine and I feel better. God, I miss her. Sometimes I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold her.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
I do not want to have sex with you!
This girl keeps calling me up and talking to me online about wanting to come up and see me. All I want is someone to talk to. I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her in any way. She sends me pictures of her naked and it's just doesn't do anything for me. She keeps saying I'll come up and make you forget about her, but I'm thinking "eww". It just seems wrong. She has two kids already and a boyfriend, and I don't/never wanted to be the other guy. Plus, not only does it seem wrong, it just seems dirty (not in a good way).
I want Kim back, she's all I need. Sometimes I wonder if this is what her ex's felt about her. Why the fuck does she do this to guys? In the past she said she broke up with them, because they did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong! I wasn't clingy or anything and I was willing to give her space. The whole moving in together never seemed right and I'm hoping to change that when I talk to her tonight. Sometimes I feel like crying because I miss her so much. Everyone around me gets good luck. My friend gets into a car accident and falls into money, my other friend makes more money than me, another friend gets hooked up with a good job that pays more than me.
Am I grateful for the position I am in? I was. Not anymore. I'm stuck in a horrible place in my life and I can't get out of it. If god placed me here than I pray he places me somewhere else. I want to blame somebody so I blame him. WRONG! Bad idea. Why can't he just help me? Then I see on the news that a doctor lost his entire family to burglary. His ENTIRE family. He must be crushed and wanting to die. I don't know what I'd do. If I feel this bad about losing Kim that much, if I had married her and had kids and they all were killed, I would want to die too. I would blame god for all of my suffering and wondering why he would do something like this to me.
Then I think if 9/11, then of any other tragedy where people have been lost and even other people that have broken up with their significant others because of loss in interest. These people all probably prayed their hearts out to god asking him why. Me too. These people probably had all the same idea as me. To ask god to make it better, to make all of this pain worth something. And I wonder how many of these people were changed... for the better. It's been almost a week now and I can't help but miss her and want her back. I am disregarding friend and family advice because of my overwhelming need to see her. I think to myself that I would tell my friends or family the same thing. "She's not worth it. She didn't care for you like you did her. She could give a rat's ass about you. She is seeing someone else. She lies to you about a lot of things. There are plenty of other girls out there. DO NOT talk to her anymore. Avoid her like the plague."
But I can't! I am holding onto the hope that she still has feelings for me. I need to see her, she's like a drug that I can't live without! I need her now, I want t hear her voice, to hold her in my arms, to sleep next to her, to cuddle with her, to watch tv and movies with. To do everything together with her. Please... god help me I'm begging you. Help me get over her. Do something please! I can't take this!
I want Kim back, she's all I need. Sometimes I wonder if this is what her ex's felt about her. Why the fuck does she do this to guys? In the past she said she broke up with them, because they did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong! I wasn't clingy or anything and I was willing to give her space. The whole moving in together never seemed right and I'm hoping to change that when I talk to her tonight. Sometimes I feel like crying because I miss her so much. Everyone around me gets good luck. My friend gets into a car accident and falls into money, my other friend makes more money than me, another friend gets hooked up with a good job that pays more than me.
Am I grateful for the position I am in? I was. Not anymore. I'm stuck in a horrible place in my life and I can't get out of it. If god placed me here than I pray he places me somewhere else. I want to blame somebody so I blame him. WRONG! Bad idea. Why can't he just help me? Then I see on the news that a doctor lost his entire family to burglary. His ENTIRE family. He must be crushed and wanting to die. I don't know what I'd do. If I feel this bad about losing Kim that much, if I had married her and had kids and they all were killed, I would want to die too. I would blame god for all of my suffering and wondering why he would do something like this to me.
Then I think if 9/11, then of any other tragedy where people have been lost and even other people that have broken up with their significant others because of loss in interest. These people all probably prayed their hearts out to god asking him why. Me too. These people probably had all the same idea as me. To ask god to make it better, to make all of this pain worth something. And I wonder how many of these people were changed... for the better. It's been almost a week now and I can't help but miss her and want her back. I am disregarding friend and family advice because of my overwhelming need to see her. I think to myself that I would tell my friends or family the same thing. "She's not worth it. She didn't care for you like you did her. She could give a rat's ass about you. She is seeing someone else. She lies to you about a lot of things. There are plenty of other girls out there. DO NOT talk to her anymore. Avoid her like the plague."
But I can't! I am holding onto the hope that she still has feelings for me. I need to see her, she's like a drug that I can't live without! I need her now, I want t hear her voice, to hold her in my arms, to sleep next to her, to cuddle with her, to watch tv and movies with. To do everything together with her. Please... god help me I'm begging you. Help me get over her. Do something please! I can't take this!
No damn appreciation.
What the hell? I go and buy her some food and I get no thanks? It takes two fucking seconds to pick up her goddamn phone and say thanks for the food. And don't give me that bullshit "i forgot" or "i was too busy". I'm so angry all the time now. Days go by where I hate her for ignoring me or forgetting about me, then there's days where I love her. What the hell am I fucking doing? Why do I keep punishing myself with her? She obviously is too busy to even acknowledge me. I'm SO ANGRY! DAMN IT! I WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL. Now there's the shit with my tumor, my dying grandmother and I can't seem to get another fucking job.
So I'm stuck with this fucking job hearing her voice everyday. FUCK THAT and FUCK EVERYONE here! I want this to end. I don't give a shit if I die, I just want all this fucking pain and emotion and horrible shit in my life to just go away. I'd give anything for the pain to go away. My life sucks!
So I'm stuck with this fucking job hearing her voice everyday. FUCK THAT and FUCK EVERYONE here! I want this to end. I don't give a shit if I die, I just want all this fucking pain and emotion and horrible shit in my life to just go away. I'd give anything for the pain to go away. My life sucks!
God, I'm so lost...
I miss her so much. What the hell am I thinking? I'm so depressed and these stages of loss that I keep hopping to is driving me into this dark pit that I cannot seem to get out of. I want to call her and tell her that I want her back, that I need her so much. I still love her and if she felt the same way I know it would work out.
Monday, July 30, 2007
It's over.
Well, Kim and I finally ended it Saturday. I feel like a huge cloud of despair has come over me. I can't seem to shake the fact that it's over. I was angry, so angry I punched a hole through the wall in my house. Thoughts of her cheating on me or going back to her ex boyfriend haunt me constantly. I just don't know what to think anymore? I'm so sick of all these emotions. I should have never taken this job, should have never asked her out, should have never stayed with her after all of this shit. But I did, I was clinging on to something that wasn't there. Thoughts of her overwhelm everything else. I feel weak and pathetic knowing that she doesn't think of me at all. That she is "over" me. I've got to get out of here...
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I hate homework!
Well, it's almost time to leave for school and I haven't finished all my homework yet. I just hate doing it. I'm sorry, but yes I know I fell behind, but I don't want to do it! It's so boring and I've got other important work to do here. We need internet at the apartment. It's killing me to not have it and I don't want to have to drive all the way to freaking Panera just to go online. Kim and I are still trying to work it out. We talked again last night on the phone, then met up and had dinner. She claims she doesn't feel affectionate at all towards me, which I find kind of strange. I told her that I don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with me. But she still does.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Another one of those days...
Kim and I almost broke up again. I was having difficulty leaving after our talk. I just couldn't muster the strength to walk out. I was waiting for a response that was not coming. She would just say, "it's ok. it'll get better." Well, yeah. I know it will. I find it upsetting when she asks if I'm depressed or sad. Yes I am, but what does that matter? I packed everything and was walking out when she called me back telling me we'll really try to work it out. It should be like SHE'LL try to work it out. I've done nothing wrong. Why do I always have such hard relationships? Can't I meet a normal girl for once?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thank god it's Friday!
Friday has come again. To think a week has gone by already. Thing's have started to slow down again for me at work again starting yesterday. I've got some newer items on my plate today and am excited to start tackling them. I have an interview on Monday which I am looking forward to. I don't know what will come of it, but I am optimistic about it. I've started reading another book. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. I haven't gotten too far into it, I can be a slow reader, but it is pretty funny. Every character is crazy! At least that is what everyone is always calling eachother. The main character, Yossarian(sp?) is a bit of a nut. He seems a little like Clinger from MASH that is trying to get out of combat duty so he won't get killed.
If I had been born in that period of time, I probably would have volunteered to go over to Europe and fight. More than likely I would have been killed right out on D-Day. I am pretty brave when it comes to those kinds of things, but then when the moment arrives and I realize just what is at stake (my life) I probably would be throwing up or pissing my pants all the way to Berlin. It's best not to think about it and keep busy, focusing on something to keep your mind off of the worst that could happen.
Kind of like what I do now. I worry about a lot of things: my job, school, my girlfriend, my health and my financial situation. The latter of which is not that great. For not living in my own apartment I still end up with no money after each paycheck. I have been behind on some bills for a while now (my credit card is killing me), but at least I haven't been late. So I try to keep myself busy in order to not think about it. But it's hard when work is so slow! I've been thinking of getting another job, well second job, on top of this one I already have just so I can make a little extra cash. The printer guys in the back aren't working this weekend and so my plan on asking Bob if I can take his shift for some overtime is out of the question. Maybe next weekend.
I've been having some weird dreams lately, I keep dreaming that my girlfriend doesn't love me or wants to be with me at all. I'll wake up in a cold sweat and look over at her sleeping soundly. She's so beautiful that I just want to hold her all night long. I feel kind of down everytime she slides away from me whenever I try to make contact. It hurts thinking that she might just be doing this all because I might be dying (a tumor in my head). We haven't been intimate with each other in a few months now and it's because of my tumor that's why (very low testosterone). I have been wanting to get close to her, but she seems to always back away. I don't know what to do. During the day she is very friendly and somewhat affectionate, but I get this gut feeling deep down that there is a wall between us still. Could it be her ex-boyfriend? I don't think she sees him anymore, but I can't say for sure.
I've talked to my sister about this and she says that I have nothing to feel sorry for. I didn't do anything to cause her to feel that way. Was I too nice? I was never possessive or clingy. Unlike all her other boyfriends, I never made her the center of my universe. Sure she has a large part, but there are other important things too. Yes, I did do some crazy things when she wanted to break up. I even found out that she had been lying to me about seeing her ex, I looked through her cellphone to confirm and found out it was true. She said she couldn't get passed the point that I looked through her phone even though I was trying to look passed the point of her lying to me. Well, I'll see how this weekend goes and maybe see how she really feels about me. I can only hope that I make her happy.
I'm going to start working out again this weekend. I need to loose this little gut of mine. I was climbing stairs today and was running out of breath after three flights! Granted I did have a both hands full of groceries. I usually run 45 minutes a day, but this week I have been busy and haven't been able to get to the gym. I'm not obsessed about loosing weight or gaining huge muscles. But I want to be in good shape and look pleasing to my girlfriend who, contrary to what she might think, has a great body.
If I had been born in that period of time, I probably would have volunteered to go over to Europe and fight. More than likely I would have been killed right out on D-Day. I am pretty brave when it comes to those kinds of things, but then when the moment arrives and I realize just what is at stake (my life) I probably would be throwing up or pissing my pants all the way to Berlin. It's best not to think about it and keep busy, focusing on something to keep your mind off of the worst that could happen.
Kind of like what I do now. I worry about a lot of things: my job, school, my girlfriend, my health and my financial situation. The latter of which is not that great. For not living in my own apartment I still end up with no money after each paycheck. I have been behind on some bills for a while now (my credit card is killing me), but at least I haven't been late. So I try to keep myself busy in order to not think about it. But it's hard when work is so slow! I've been thinking of getting another job, well second job, on top of this one I already have just so I can make a little extra cash. The printer guys in the back aren't working this weekend and so my plan on asking Bob if I can take his shift for some overtime is out of the question. Maybe next weekend.
I've been having some weird dreams lately, I keep dreaming that my girlfriend doesn't love me or wants to be with me at all. I'll wake up in a cold sweat and look over at her sleeping soundly. She's so beautiful that I just want to hold her all night long. I feel kind of down everytime she slides away from me whenever I try to make contact. It hurts thinking that she might just be doing this all because I might be dying (a tumor in my head). We haven't been intimate with each other in a few months now and it's because of my tumor that's why (very low testosterone). I have been wanting to get close to her, but she seems to always back away. I don't know what to do. During the day she is very friendly and somewhat affectionate, but I get this gut feeling deep down that there is a wall between us still. Could it be her ex-boyfriend? I don't think she sees him anymore, but I can't say for sure.
I've talked to my sister about this and she says that I have nothing to feel sorry for. I didn't do anything to cause her to feel that way. Was I too nice? I was never possessive or clingy. Unlike all her other boyfriends, I never made her the center of my universe. Sure she has a large part, but there are other important things too. Yes, I did do some crazy things when she wanted to break up. I even found out that she had been lying to me about seeing her ex, I looked through her cellphone to confirm and found out it was true. She said she couldn't get passed the point that I looked through her phone even though I was trying to look passed the point of her lying to me. Well, I'll see how this weekend goes and maybe see how she really feels about me. I can only hope that I make her happy.
I'm going to start working out again this weekend. I need to loose this little gut of mine. I was climbing stairs today and was running out of breath after three flights! Granted I did have a both hands full of groceries. I usually run 45 minutes a day, but this week I have been busy and haven't been able to get to the gym. I'm not obsessed about loosing weight or gaining huge muscles. But I want to be in good shape and look pleasing to my girlfriend who, contrary to what she might think, has a great body.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The days go by.
Well, this is my first blog. I haven't been doing much today accept looking over event logs and doing research. I've written plenty in my own personal journal so I thought I would start writing here as well about my daily activities and personal relationships. I'll keep this first entry short. My job has been getting boring again. That is the problem with administering a small company. The downtime is horrible. I try to keep myself busy, but most of the time I am near sleep. I am going to several job interviews next week so I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm still a little nervous about my girlfriend and I getting back together. I must admit, everything seemed a little shaky when I saw her Sunday night after the movie. She seemed confused like she didn't really want to be with me. It almost felt forced when I went up to see her that night. Monday night though she said everything was fine, so I am hoping it really is. I love her, but I don't want to push her away. I'm not clingy or anything, but I don't want to lose her. That's probably the biggest thing on my mind right now. I hope we can stay together. I could see spending the rest of my life with her. Well, that's all for today.
I'm still a little nervous about my girlfriend and I getting back together. I must admit, everything seemed a little shaky when I saw her Sunday night after the movie. She seemed confused like she didn't really want to be with me. It almost felt forced when I went up to see her that night. Monday night though she said everything was fine, so I am hoping it really is. I love her, but I don't want to push her away. I'm not clingy or anything, but I don't want to lose her. That's probably the biggest thing on my mind right now. I hope we can stay together. I could see spending the rest of my life with her. Well, that's all for today.
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