New Years Eve

Hanging out in the apartment again. (what a surprise) Katie's brother is getting ready for work. I went to Subway this morning to see Katie and give her that box with Erin's games in it. I don't know what's going on tonight, all I know is that I don't want to spend more than $50 bucks tonight. Afterwards, I am REALLY low on cash. Lately, I've been thinking about Kim a lot. I don't know why. Can't really think of much else to say right now. I'll probably come back to this later.

Friday night.

Hey it's Friday, you got no job... and you got shit to do!

Didn't do much today. I slept till about 9am, then hung out in bed and read over Titanic history on my iPod. I got ready with the intention of going to see The Curious Case of Benjaman Button. I walked downtown to the AMC there and saw that it wasn't playing! Well, I wasn't about to go see Yes Man or anyother bullshit that was playing so I called dad to see if he could tell me where the other theatre was located at.

When I showed up there I realized that I had missed the last showing of it and the next one was at 2:30pm. So I decided to see Valkrie instead. It wasn't that bad of a movie. I thought it would be bad, but it turned out to be ok. After the movie was over I started walking home with nothing to do. I called Katie and she said that she was going out. I saw her drive by and she stop so I decided to go back downtown and have a drink at the Taphouse. I think I'm going to run a tally on how much I spend in a day. Today's total... about $17 dollars. We haven't decided to go out yet. I don't think we are going to. Katie got a call from her "boyfriend" and I took off out front for a smoke and just to pal around.

I came back inside to play some Rock Band while her brother sat on the couch and was on his laptop. I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling he may think that I'm just mooching off of everyone. I'm trying to find a job everyday so I can't help but think that everyone thinks that I'm doing shit all day. I give myself till the end of January (if I can last that long) to find a job. In the meantime, I am going to try and get a side job if I can.

I have about $200 dollars in my bank account. Not enough to really get me through the next month unless I do nothing all day. Katie's brother just left and will be back to run some errands so now it's just me and her. It feels like the conversation is getting stale. I think that Kim and I had better conversation than this when we lived together. Katie seems to laugh more with other people than myself. I think it's just me though and my past.

I don't know what's going to happen tonight or tomorrow, but I think it will be uneventful or frustrating.

This is my life... and it's ending one minute at a time.

Christmas Day

Well, it's Christmas today. How is it compared to the last two? Eh, it's a little better. I haven't had a Christmas that made me feel comfortable in a long time. Right now I still have no job so I am pretty stressed out about the whole money situation. At least we can sit in and relax today. At least that is what I plan on doing so far.

I bought Katie some Godiva White Chocolate and Baileys for Christmas. I know she likes it. I wish I had more money to spend. Next week I am going to start applying to stores for jobs. I'm running very low on cash right now and don't know how much longer I can go. We got up early this morning and went out to the store to get some juice and she bought her brother a Christmas card and wrote him a check for some money.

I managed to move my car out of the road and drove it for the first time in 2 weeks. I save so much in gas it's ridiculous. I can't think of anything more right now. I'll probably come back to this in a few.

***

Ok I'm back to finish the day's journal. Well, we didn't get to go anywhere today because it's Christmas and everything is closed. Marie seems a little quiet today. I don't know why. I've recieved a lot of texts from friends today asking how Seattle is. It was good hearing from them. I sent massive amounts of texts saying merry Christmas. Didn't even recieve one from Kim. Which doesn't surprise me. Just another nail in the proverbial coffin. Right now I'm lying in bed getting some time to myself. I need a place of my own sometimes. I value my privacy a lot. I just saw Katie poke her head in to see if I was in here.

I guess this is it for me today. Signing off till tomorrow.

Sunday morning.

It's 7:40am right now and I just woke up a little bit ago. Last night was ok and I met some of the people that Katie met a couple weeks ago. Am I better now that I met them? Sure. Am I still comfortable with her hanging around them on her own? Maybe, maybe not. I'm still a little skeptical about the whole thing. Anyways, things seemed to get a little better. We had a mini-argument last night when I mentioned about her not being stuck as a bartender the rest of her life. I was merely trying to help, but she took it too personally (as usual) and things got tense again for a bit.

I think things are better this morning.

Later today we are going to meet Erin which is Katie's brother's ex-girlfriend. We are meeting her at the Taphouse. I like that place because of all the good beers that they have in there. We're meeting her there around 2pm. I'm excited about going out today because I'm going to go shopping a little bit with the gift cards that mom gave me.

I spent like over 40 dollars yesterday. Much more than I wanted to. I hope I get that job this week. I need the money, and I need to start working out more.

Well, I'm stepping out again. There's like 2 people in the living room that are passed out. My chips are gone and all the fudge cookies are gone too. Guess I have to buy some more. Well, take it easy.

Here in Seattle.

Today is a better day today. Katie and I are doing ok, much better since the past couple. I guess I kind of find myself missing home right now. And maybe I miss having the opportunity to be on my own. Tonight is that guy's birthday party. I still have no desire to go to it at all. But I will go with her. Mom sent me some gift cards in the mail today. She sent them out on Thursday, but I didn't finally get it till today. I got Macys, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks and Best Buy. I also talked to Reggie today and found out (from mom) that he shoveled the driveway which was really nice.

I feel bad that mom is so far away and it makes me sad. I don't regret leaving, especially once I get my own place and can finally be on my own. Kim sent me some pics of her and Starbucks yesterday. I miss them both too. I know we went through a lot and she flipped out a couple times, but I still care about her. I don't know what is going on in her mind, I think she really cares about me.

Just went shopping with Katie a little bit ago. The roads are so icy around here and cars are sliding all over the place. Even walking down the sidewalk can be treacherous and I have slipped a few times, but at least I didn't fall on my face... or my ass. So right now I'm just hanging around the apartment. Katie's bro is playing Rock Band and Katie is probably going to take a shower. I kind of want to go do something, but the roads suck and no buses are running up here.

Well, wish me luck at that damn party tonight. I guarantee that Katie will be the only girl there. At least I'll be with her and can try and ward off those fucking tools that will be hitting on her all night, but I'm sure she'll love all of the attention. I'll give details tomorrow about what went down.

Wow, it's been awhile!

Well, where do I begin. I'm not even in Chicago anymore. I moved to Seattle to start new and be with Katie. I'm already regretting the latter. Where do I begin...

It first started when she started giving her number out to guys at bars. Now she's talking back and forth with this one guy. It just pisses me off. I can't seem to get over it. No matter how much I try to I just can't handle it. Things between me and her are constantly deteriorating. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her.

In the meantime, things with Kim and I have been improving and I know she misses me. I can't see myself having a future with Katie. Let me list the pros and cons of both girls.

Katie

- Drinks a lot.
- Flirts with guys and likes the attention.
- Gives up too easily.
- Doesn't want to compromise.
- Wants to bartend and isn't serious about looking for a better job.
- Cannot stand being by herself, therefore not independant.
- Couldn't care less what I want to do.
- Everything is about her.

Those are serious things for me and the top two are pretty fucking big. I know that Kim and I can never get back together. Despite how I would love to, it just won't happen. But her personality and intelligence is what I want in a girlfriend, or at least a companion. She's smart, independant, doesn't need attention from guys, is a loner like me, likes to read, doesn't drink (though I do, but not to excess), likes Starbucks coffee, and loves cats.

I'd rather be alone and have her as a friend than be here together in misery with Katie right now. It's sad to say, but I don't think I can get over the fact of this new guy she likes. It just pisses me off too much!

My only goal now is to get this new job, get my own place, and be on my own. Katie will hook up with somebody. The idea of having my own place and being on my own is fantastic and I wish I had it right now.
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