So in love.

Wow, I've never felt so good about a girlfriend than I am with Katie. I love her so much. Today I've been in such a good mood despite all the other bullshit happening in my life. Katie makes me feel all "warm and fuzzy" inside and it's a great feeling to have someone verbally reciprocate feelings towards you. Last night I picked her up from Joe's and we went to eat at Davidson's. Her next door neighbor was there and they were catching up a little.

We started eating and after we were through, he came over again and was talking with her. I could tell he was drunk, but it wasn't anything bad. I could tell Katie was having a good time so it was cool. Then his friend came over and he was cool as hell too. Then the evening REALLY started. I thought I was afraid of her dad. These guys were busting my balls big time! But it was all in good fun. Katie was smiling and having so much fun watching them size me up and see if I was "worthy" of being with her. She felt so bad for me at the same time and kept asking if I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I told her it was cool, I would tread hell to be with her, so this was cake. They were like big brothers watching out for their younger sister, with the one who lives next to her occasionally hitting on her.

She was so open about us, and kept trying to make me comfortable by holding my hand, hugging me or kissing me right in front of them. While I appreciated this, it only made them joke with me more.

"Harry..." or "Barry!..." They would call my name. It was funny. I took it like a man, joking back when I could. But for the most part I just got hazed. Katie said that they liked me a lot better than Bryan. I think that's a good thing and she does too. Whatever happened last night, it only made her love for me stronger. She just kept staring at me later on, saying how much she loved me. I would look back at her beautiful face, thinking the same thing. I love it when she smiles, when she's happy. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know someone loves you that much and to be with them.

I could be with her forever.

I hope I can be.

I think she is slipping away.

I think I might be losing Katie, very very slowly. She's been hanging around some fucking deuchebag all day for the passed 2 days. She has seem more excited to hang out with him then with me. Whenever we are around I feel like she is less affectionate in front of him. I mean, she hasn't even fucking told him she was dating me!

I think this is a sign not to go out to Seattle with her. And if my gut is right, that little dillweed will suggest moving out there with her. If that happens, it's over. Plain and simple. Him or me. She either has feelings for him and is in denial, or is holding on to me because I'm safe. She used to want to hang out. Now, it's always, "whatever you want" or "it's your choice". How about making me feel wanted for once, how about saying "I would really like to see you tonight"!

How about letting that drunken piss-ant stay at home for once instead of following us around all the damn time!

There's never enough time.

Katie and I are in love. I didn't think it could truly happen so fast, but it has. So how do I feel about it? I feel good, it feels really good. But at the same time, I'm scared. More like terrified. I don't want to lose her, so much has happened around me in the past where people have left the other or "fallen out of love" with someone. It's happened to me twice. And it never got easier. Now I've truly fallen for Katie and she is probably leaving in less than a month from now and I'm no closer to getting out of here.

Selling my car will be a big step forward. But I still need to look for another job out there. I've been going out every single night drinking with Katie and I need to have a chill night tonight. She might get fired and go out getting wasted, I will probably be out with her if she does. If she doesn't then I'm definately staying in. It upsets me that her friends encourage her to go out. Chris is cool as shit though and is also responsible. He goes out and gets hammered sometimes, but he knows his limits and when he needs to just relax. Joe has a thing for Katie and he is constantly trying to get her to go out and get wasted.

It sucks sometimes, it feels like I am competing for her attention when I'm not whenever he tags along with us. Katie views him as just a friend, but I can see he has alterior motives for going out. I've also found that Katie is less affectionate when we are around him. I don't know if it's because she's just busy or if she's not trying to lose him as a friend. That guy needs to chill out and get a girlfriend and stop trying to "impress" Katie. I'll admit that it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. He has to know she's with me and should fucking respect that.

Anyways, Katie is leaving soon and we had a discussion about it last night. She says that she loves me with all her heart and that no one will ever match her love for me. When I think of her leaving, those last few moments we'll have together before she gets on that plane. I'll be so sad, but so happy that she'll be going to where she really wants to be.

Well, I'm at work and people are walking into my office. I gotta go for now.

At work.

So I'm at work trying to study. It's been kind of slow here today. I wish I could just be a tech and work on computers all day. So, why do I write these blogs? To talk about my relationships! So what's happened so far? Katie said she loved me. Wow, I was taken aback by it. I mean, it was so soon. I don't even know what love is anymore? I know that when I'm not with her, I miss her. I would do almost anything for her. That I don't want to lose her in that way. Maybe that's love. It's hard to go back to someone as a friend after that.

Matt and Jackie "broke up" again. I feel bad for the guy. So far Katie and I haven't had any bad fights or anything which is good. It's still too early though. And now the question... Do I really love her? Maybe. I say it. Whenever I'm with her I do. But sometimes when I'm not I don't feel that way. Well, that's not really right. It's confusing. Only you will know. I want to move to Seattle with her, but I just know it's going to take longer for me to get out there unless I can find a good job. I'm going to lose her, that much is certain.

I will miss her when she leaves and finds a new man. Someone better, but hopefully doesn't treat her like crap. I haven't been feeling all right lately. Kind of blah. I need to stop smoking and start working out again. Katie and I have been staying out too late and it's getting to me. It's harder to wake up on time.

Oh well, I gotta go now.