SLIDE

Jack's power animal said it best, "Slide!"

Thinking through last week I realized something. That I haven't been thinking for myself lately. I've been giving my power away, my priorities away to other people and anxieties. I haven't been doing anything for myself. And in the process I have been completely fucking myself over. Yeah, I haven't been wanting to talk about them. But let's list the general concerns of mine:

- Bills
- Health
- Career
- Studying
- Finances
- Responsibility

I'm basically fucking myself over when it comes to debt and finances. Going out and spending money on drinking instead of saving. Worrying about Katie and who she's with, going out to smoke constantly when I should start quitting. Worrying about work, studying for my certs, moving out again, California, Seattle, working out again, eating too much, drinking too much, neglecting my friends, my family. Fuck... Everything!

You know, when Katie and I were first hanging out I didn't care at all who she was hanging around. Mostly guys, but who cared? I was having fun and getting into a nice friends with benefits situation. She started getting attached and we became "exclusive". She told me about Joe and how he really liked her. I begain worrying about it for a while. But after going through her old pictures with her and seeing her friends and how she used to hang out with these people for years.

Who the fuck am I to stop that? How arrogant and self-centered of me to try and stop that. Sure there are some things I would like her not to do, but those are common sense. Like kissing and sleeping over at some dude's house, shit like that which I would never do. But hanging out and going drinking during the day. Whatever, I'm stupid to try and worry about it.

All I care about is Katie being happy. Whether that's with me or someone else. I need to stop acting like a jealous 15 year old brat and grow up. I have my own things to worry about. I even started playing basketball again! Fun as hell I'll tell ya!

I do love her though, but I can't stop things from happening. If they do, they do. That kind of stuff is out of my control. What is in control is MY life.

It's time to start making MYSELF a priority and let all the other bullshit SLIDE.

Drunk sunday.

Woke up around 8am this morning and was pretty eager to get to the gym. Yesterday I went to an pig roast with Katie and had some pork. Haven't had any since California when Steph and I were tricked by Brenda into eating some. I remember the look on my sister's face when Brenda said "Oh and you two are eating pork. Isn't it good?" We both about puked our guts out.

So anyways, yesterday I was talked into having some pork. It wasn't too bad and it actually tasted like chicken. I have been so stuffed all weekend and feel horribly bloated and FAT. It's all good though, because tomorrow I am going to work out like crazy at least 2 1/2 hours and burn off everything that I have been eating all weekend.

After the gym I got ready and picked up Katie and we went to Sams again to have a "few" drinks and I started getting drunk. They had a free buffet there and I had a little to eat. Then we went over to Jackie's house and watched the rest of the Bears game. It was cool seeing Matt outside of work for once since he never goes out anymore. I remember when we used to go out all the time and get wasted with Rob. Mikey showed up and we were watching the Bears lose as usual. What a surprise.

Afterwards, we picked up Joe and Chris and saw Burn After Reading. It was a unusual movie along the lines of Fargo and No Country for Old Men. Now I'm sitting on the couch with Katie watching Old School. At least the rain stopped. Nothing much else happened. I'm not looking forward for work tomorrow. Oh well, gotta pay the bills. Peace.

Some space...

Katie and I have been arguing over the past week. First I screwed up and said Kim's name, then I was arguing about not getting enough affection, then about her hanging out with Joe again. I feel the spark is fading and we are falling into routine. Yeah, I love her, but I don't feel that excitment from her when she wants to hang out. I just dont understand how they can have all of this money to go out. I just don't have it. Where does it come from?

I have more bills than any of them do I'm sure. That and I don't make enough money. Katie is leaving for Seattle and I see her when I can, but I feel that she isn't as into seeing me as she used to be and it hurts. Our living situation is horrible. My mom won't even let her come near the damn house in the condition it is in and I can't sleep over there when her parents are home.

She seems so excited to go out with her friends, with me it's just "whatever you want to do." Way to go sounding so excited to see me. All I get is "I miss you." Wow, really? You actually do?

Today is another one of those days, I just feel down and like shit. I better get used to it. Katie is leaving soon and will find a new flame in Seattle I'm sure.

I'm jealous, I don't want her to talk to her friend, I want her to be more excited to see me, I want, I want, I want.

You know what's bad? I'm starting to get clingy. Maybe it is the fact that she is leaving soon, but also me not feeling that she is showing affection. Do I need constant reassurance? Maybe my low self-esteem is creeping up on me again. I'm starting to show my ugly side to her and maybe that's putting her off.

It's just not fair. Why did she want to go out with me? She has more in common with her friend than me. He fucking worships her and she's so excited to be with him. What the fuck am I doing? Nothing special. Just working and losing more money.

So today I decide to back off. Maybe absence will make the heart grow yonder. Maybe she will just bounce to someone else to fill the lonely void. I believe more in the latter. I might try and visit her later tonight at her home. I'm sick of her tag-along pup and sometimes I just want to hang out with only her. Oh well, such is life.

Chillin with my baby

I'm sitting here chillin at Katie's house. I love her so much. Everything is cool right now. Work sucked today as usual, I didn't do much. right now I am trying to get her gossip girl working. She is sitting on the couch next to me and is watching tv. I went out drinking today and had a couple red bull and vodkas. I actually fell asleep at work today for the first time inn a long time. I was out for like an hour. I woke up with the biggest scare because I didn't know if Dan or Carmen had tried to walk in to my office if I would have even woken up. I checked the logs for proximity card readers and it didn't show anything so I felt better about it.

Well, I gotta go. Katie needs to read a message from her brother. I will have to continue this tomorrow. Remember what you said about how it would be a year from now? I think we're past that point man. I am totally not making any sense and am kind of all over the place as usual. Ok better let my baby get on! Later!