Another day.

Well, after my discussion with my instructor yesterday he helped convince me to stick with the class. Now I have a lot of catching up to do. It was a good talk and I'm glad I did it. It also feels good that Kim is back. But she said something this morning that brought all those negative feelings back. The ex wants her to move back in this weekend.

I wanted to light a cigarette so bad. I got that nervousness in my stomach and it shot my mood down. Now I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought she was done with him, but she still doesn't know what to do. I don't understand why she won't just let go. Maybe for the same reasons why I won't let her go. I miss her and she misses him. But at least she doesn't try to control everything I do. He's not understanding at all to what she wants and it's only after she leaves that he "let's" her have her way.

Well, she's an idiot if she goes back to him. I just hope she decides not to. If she does again, I know it will be one of the hardest things in my life to do, but I am going to have to let her go. The pain of it is so hard. I don't know what I could do. Tell her I love her still, but that I respect her decision. Maybe do what he never could. Let her go. I'm not saying that she will come back, but maybe something good will come of it.

When all is said though, I hope it never comes to that. Talking and seeing him, while I don't like it is one thing. Dating and going back to him is another.

I feel like shit and don't want to go to class. But Chris was right. There is life after the relationship and while it ended long ago. I need to move on and do things for myself rather then do things for other people.

Falling apart again.

More Kim drama.

It seems after she went back to her ex, he refused to let her keep her apartment so she left and came back. Last night she went over to get her stuff and was over there for about two hours after work. Then came home. I don't know if they had sex or not, but I think they might have. Picturing the act makes me sick. I still don't feel comfortable about the whole situation. I don't know where this is all leading to. I'm getting tired of feeling this way all the time.

I dropped out of my EMT-B class because of this. I just couldn't concentrate on homework and studying. After screwing up numerous times at work over simple things, I started freaking out about what would happen if I screwed up on a call and someone died because of my inept ability to get over my personal problems. I find that it's hard for me to leave. But I just don't want to screw up. I'm going to go meet with Chris George, my instructor, today and talk about my decision.

Everyday it's the same. Wondering what she is doing with him. Picturing them together. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I still love her. I still care for her. And I still want to be with her. Why can't I move on? If it was meant not to be then why haven't I found another girl yet? I just wish I could be with someone that would appreciate everything that I would do for her.

Last weekend I was crying over this in my car. Just flat out crying like a baby. The tears that came out felt good. I did it once more that day, but other than that... nothing.

Well, it's official. She went back to him.

She dropped the bomb on me over the past weekend and confirmed it New Years Eve. I was devestated. I have done everything I could to be a better man, but in the end it wasn't enough. She chose the lesser. A clingy, possessive old geezer. There must be something there that I don't have *cough* money *cough*. I said I would stay friends, but I don't know anymore. I am going to try and keep my distance. She wants to go out to eat, but I won't hold my breath. Hopefully, something will come up and we won't have to go. I just want to get away.

It's a new year and I'm ready to call it quits. I broke down yesterday. Twice. I made sure no one was around and just let the tears flow. I needed it. It felt good. So much emotion built up over this situation and I let it release. I'm sure there's more to come. I hate being back home. I just want to be alone sometimes. I can't really do anything when I leave except just try to go out and do stuff. I can't play games. That won't help. Working out does though and I guess I have that to look forward to. Losing weight and looking better. I need to stop smoking before it's too late.

I hope and pray to God that this works out in the end. That there's something else for me. I can only hope that he has a plan for me. As for what it could be, I have absolutely no clue. I keep thinking about hunting that asshole down and just killing him. Then she could NEVER go back to him. But I would be in jail and away from her forever. But would that be worth it? She would meet someone better than that fucker.

I know it's horrible to think that way, I need to get a girlfriend and then I won't even give a shit about her problems anymore.

It's starting to sink in...

That feeling of loss and depression is starting to slowly sink in regarding Kim and her dipshit friend staying over. He never called her and was 5 hours late. Doesn't carry a cellphone and expected to stay FOREVER. What a dumbass. Kim was pissed off, but then let it all slide once he called. I don't think she is as upset with him as she makes it seems and I can't help but take everything she says about him with a grain of salt.

The passed few days haven't been so bad, but now it seems my wall is starting to crumble as more time and time passes. It doesn't look like he will be leaving before New Years and I wanted to hang out with Kim then. I left her my cable modem so he could find tickets, but as far as last night nothing has happened. He better find something soon.

I'm starting to feel depressed about the whole situation and I'm finding it harder and harder to not think about it. Good news is I did well on my mod 3 test last night as well as my practical. I barely studied. But I've retained a lot since then. Steph flies in tonight. I need to clean and go out and by an ornament. I don't know what to get. I miss hanging out with Kim and while seeing my friends is good, I miss seeing her and just chilling around the apartment.

I need to just cut all contact and get her out of my mind. This sucks. I don't know what I am going to do to keep myself so busy. I suppose I should start working out. That would probably help a lot, but it gets so hard to just drop everything and go to the gym.

I should get to the mall and start getting stuff for tomorrow.

I did ok.

Well, I passed the practical ok and I think I at least passed the mod 2 exam. I still haven't completed my vital signs and have yet to schedule my BLS class. I'm still procrastinating and studying the night before. Why can't I stop that? I need to get this stuff done and start scheduling my ride time and get that out of the way.

I know the money in this field isn't that great and as time goes on, the more I worry about it. I like computers and just wished that things had turned out differently for that school. There wasn't really any emphasis on hands on work and lecturing for hours on end doesn't help at all and gets dry and stale. I came into this wanting to do volunteer work primarily or part time. If everything turns out well, I might go into nursing or something similar. Maybe even an x-ray technician. They get paid a lot. It's not all about the money, but I'm getting tired of living paycheck to paycheck.

Practical in about an hour!

I'm freaking out! I've practiced a bunch of times, but I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or that I missed studying over something. Also, my BP bulb has a hole in it and is now leaking air. I'm going to have to ask the instructor for a new one.

I'm more worried about the practical then the actual written exam. I'm so nervous. When I read this again I'm going to be satisfied that all of this is over with and I will be going on to the next step I hope that I do well and can get a descent grade on the practical. My overall grade right now is an 88% but I hope to improve it. I don't think I did well on the test last night. Hope I do better today. I have to study more! That's what it comes down to.

Study, study, study! I have such a problem with that and always procrastinate. Remember Eric, study lots beforehand!

EMT-B exam today.

Well, in about an hour and a half, I'll be in class anxiously awaiting the 100 question test.

Did I study hard? No.

Am I comfortable taking the test? No.

Did I do good on the practice exam? Sort of.

Will I pass? Not with the grade I would hope.

While I did good on the last quiz (got an A) I am mostly using the knowledge that I've obtained over the course of the last three weeks instead of studying diligently over the past week. I managed to read through the four chapters that we are going to have it on today at work. I feel like I still need more work. I'm a little worried about the vital signs sheet since I haven't completed any of it. I'll try and get some from some of the classmates before class starts.

My tire got a flat on Saturday night and Kim is driving me to class. I dropped ITT, since it sucks, and am focusing on the EMT class. Hopefully it will keep me busy and I won't be too worried about Kim when her ex comes to stay with her in a couple weeks. I'm stressing about that and I hope I can get through it ok. I've also been gaining a lot of weight recently as my clothes are getting tighter and tighter. I need to start working out again and getting back into shape.

Another turn of events is that I've started smoking. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last blog, it's been a while, but I started it to help ease my stress. I know it's not healthy, but my life is fucked up right now and I can't think of anything good. Work here at The Core isn't going too great. I did manage to switch everyone over to the new server without too much trouble, but now trying to connect the two domains together through a VPN across two NAT's is getting hard.

Carmen wants an answer soon and I don't have one. I've done just about everything I know how to do. I sacrificed working on it today to study. I hope I do ok. As usual, I have feelings of anxiety and nervousness walking into the class. Once I get there, everything seems ok. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm spending it with Kim. Someday I hope to look back at this year as a turning point in my life. A few years ago it was motivating myself to go back to school and loose weight. I don't know what the future holds for me at this point. But I hope there's some good that will come from all of this pain and heartache.