Emotions

Well, I just got back from a nearly week long vacation in California with my sister. It was so nice hanging out with her. We went to San Francisco, saw a Giants game, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, saw Napa, visited Wine Vineyards. It was great. During my trip though, I opened up to Steph. I just let it all out. Started bawling and crying telling her that I felt like shit and needed to get away. She helped me feel better and I admit it was good to let it all out.

I was watching Star Wars just a few minutes ago and almost started crying. I can't seem to control my feelings as well as I used to after the trip. It started last Friday when I went out with Katie. I felt like I was competing for her attention (which I shouldn't have felt). I was done trying so hard and left. That night I called mom and started crying telling her how worthless I felt and that I was so alone. My friends suck, no one here gives a shit about me. They never really "listen" to what I say and always have the dumbest advice. I have been staying in this apartment by myself for almost 2 months and I feel utterly alone.

I have been able to fill that gap with Katie, but it's just not the same as it is when I am with Kim. Sure I have fun with Katie, but I don't love her. I still love Kim and I wish I was with her again or that she was back here. Plus, Katie drinks all the time and while that is nice, it's just not me. I don't feel like I have to go out and get drunk to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to chill or go to the mall or watch a movie.

Maybe Steph and Mom were right. Maybe I should go back to church and start trying to get in touch with God. I'm even getting emotional right now typing this. I miss my family so much.

... I just cryed there for like 2 minutes.

I need a change. I need to get away. I hope... no I pray that I can gather enough motivation to study hard for my certifications and get out of this place. It's time to take control of my life!