Rock bottom...

Wow, you would think after a nice relaxing vacation one would feel rejuvanated. I don't feel that way. I feel sick: both emotionally and physically. I don't think I was truly relaxing or having fun. Sure it was great seeing my sister and getting away, but my cares and worries were still with me. Hovering over and around me. Even on vacation I thought about them which is why I truly think that I did not escape anything. Now I'm back and they have descended on me again. Back to the same routine of nothing.

Same people, same bullshit, same faking, same lies, same relationships, same me. Nothing has changed.

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I can't even properly relate my problems to my family anymore. I definately cannot talk to my friends. Their advice would be "just drink". In the end that would kill me. I have no where else to turn, no where else to go. I'm trapped and alone. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no one there to throw me a rope. I'm drowning.

Like the song Into the Ocean.

... Just got phoned from Kim.

Conversation went ok. But still... I feel nothing. I saw Katie today... we kissed and held each other for a while. But still... I feel nothing. I feel bad for her though. She drinks and drinks. In the end it won't help, but I have no right to say anything. And I won't.

I can't even bring myself to cry at this point. I feel empty and hollow. There's so much going through my head right now that I can't even write it down.

I've been working on this for over 40 minutes now. I guess I'll continue tomorrow.

Emotions

Well, I just got back from a nearly week long vacation in California with my sister. It was so nice hanging out with her. We went to San Francisco, saw a Giants game, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, saw Napa, visited Wine Vineyards. It was great. During my trip though, I opened up to Steph. I just let it all out. Started bawling and crying telling her that I felt like shit and needed to get away. She helped me feel better and I admit it was good to let it all out.

I was watching Star Wars just a few minutes ago and almost started crying. I can't seem to control my feelings as well as I used to after the trip. It started last Friday when I went out with Katie. I felt like I was competing for her attention (which I shouldn't have felt). I was done trying so hard and left. That night I called mom and started crying telling her how worthless I felt and that I was so alone. My friends suck, no one here gives a shit about me. They never really "listen" to what I say and always have the dumbest advice. I have been staying in this apartment by myself for almost 2 months and I feel utterly alone.

I have been able to fill that gap with Katie, but it's just not the same as it is when I am with Kim. Sure I have fun with Katie, but I don't love her. I still love Kim and I wish I was with her again or that she was back here. Plus, Katie drinks all the time and while that is nice, it's just not me. I don't feel like I have to go out and get drunk to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to chill or go to the mall or watch a movie.

Maybe Steph and Mom were right. Maybe I should go back to church and start trying to get in touch with God. I'm even getting emotional right now typing this. I miss my family so much.

... I just cryed there for like 2 minutes.

I need a change. I need to get away. I hope... no I pray that I can gather enough motivation to study hard for my certifications and get out of this place. It's time to take control of my life!

I'm a loner.

At home about to go to sleep. Feeling kind of down as usual. Don't know what to do. I have to work in the morning. I'm taking Monday and Tuesday off and am just going to lay low. I like being alone. I was meant to be. I feel blah mostly all the time. I've been hanging out with friends and such, but I know they don't really give a shit. I like the movie I Am Legend. That's me, minus the loving dog. I had Starbucks, but he's gone now. So I guess you could say I lost my last true friend.

Wow, after that last sentence Kim called me to reaffirm my utter isolation.

Haha, I'm so depressing. I need to stop getting my hopes up about other things right now. The more hope you get, the more shitty it is when NOTHING happens. And nothing will. Remember that Eric.

You are on your own.

It's early morning.

Sitting at the apartment, chillin. Thinking about stuff, in no particular order, bills-Kim-health-Katie-work-career. I've been talking to Katie for a few months now. Don't know how I started developing feelings towards her. Only Matt and Alan know. I've got a gut feeling that things won't turn out good. Worked out tonight, feel good. It's late, Kim isn't here. I miss my baby-girl. Boston Celtics won tonight. It was fucking insane! I wish I saw the whole game. I saw Ray Allen's drive at the end. Fucking sweet. Well, I'm tired.

At least the thunder stopped. I get a little scared sometimes at the apartment by myself. I'm also pretty lonely right now. I'm fighting hard to stay above the water with the whole Kim situation. It's hard, but I'm fighting. Hopefully the storm will pass and I will see land. But all I can see are huge waves crashing over me and my tiny raft is all that's keeping me afloat.

Just chillin'.

Sitting here in the apartment just thinking right now. So much has happened over the past two months. I don't know where to begin. I don't want to talk much about anything. I've lost some weight which is nice. Heading closer to my goal. Kim is still with that asshole. She has come over a few times. I miss her still. The intensity of it is up and down though.

Going to a Sox game with Katie and some of her friends on Sunday. Dave might come with me, but I don't think he is. Jimmy and his girl are more than likely going to back out. Alan said he would go, but he probably will not pick up his phone Sunday. Reggie too. Wow, when stuff like this happens it really looks like I have shady friends.

Starbucks is going crazy right now. I don't think I'm going to the gym tonight. I MUST tomorrow morning though. At least for an hour and a half. Working out in the evening sucks. I like mornings better. Gets it out of the way. Starbucks is whining again. I don't know what he wants. Probably to play, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just sort of "blah" right now. I think I'll watch the rest of Pirates 3. Dead Man's Chest was so much better than At World's End.

Ok, time to go.

She went back to him again.

Well, Kim and I had a fucking huge fight last Thursday. She drove me to extremes I never thought I was capable of. No, I didn't hit her or anything, but I came pretty close. She told me to leave and I left. Now here I am again back home. But since then, she has called a couple times and finally said I could keep the apartment. Then today she is buddy punching me and calling me "Erica" her nickname for me, like nothing fucking happened. I'm a little weary of going back. To see an empty apartment and such. Knowing she'll never come back.

I've been talking to Katie lately, but I just know deep down that nothing is going to happen. I'm just humoring myself and tomorrow I probably won't even talk to her. She told me she would never date anyone else, so I think that says it all right there. Maybe I'm just looking for companionship right now. I may ask her to "hang out" sometime this week before the weekend. See where that goes. I think I'm setting myself up to fall hard again.

I went out with her and some of her friends over the weekend and it was fun. I met up with Brent too later that night. So all in all it was ok. I have so many friends that want to go out, it's good to keep them close. It will only help me forget about Kim faster. Well, I better get going and head to the gym, then back to the lonely apartment.

Something to talk about?

It's been a couple months. Nothing much has changed. I passed my EMT class and got my license, but didn't go back. I need to email my teacher and explain to him what happened. Kim and I have remained friends. So far nothing bad has happened between us. I started studying for my computer certs so I can make more money and get more experience.

I also started working out. I hit the gym hard and have been dieting and exercising almost every morning for an hour. I've already started losing some weight. I guess you could say I got a little motivation back. I think I'm becoming attracted to a girl at work. I don't want to name names right now... I might jinx it.

Brent wants me to come out to a club tonight, but I don't really feel like going. I'm just not in the mood to go out. I'll end up going and meet him there. I'm going to try and make an excuse and meet up with him afterwards. I'd like to see Iron Man. The reviews say that it's really good. Well, that's all for now.